


He Loves Me

by motteme



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Middle School, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Puppy Play, Timelines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:01:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 88,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21964672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/pseuds/motteme
Summary: [canon — timeline of sorts]A glimpse into Seunghyun's and Jiyong's relationship.Starting in Middle School until the present day.They have been through so many ups and downs during the past ten years since they started to date and during the nearly past twenty years since they first became friends.But true love always wins, right?
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Comments: 19
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This originally started with six scenes in total, but then (as always) it blew out of proportion and I kept on adding more scenes (with the help of _halohalo_ @ twitter), because let's be honest GTOP are just adorable and deserve lengthy stories! 
> 
> Plus, _halohalo_ then challanged me to push the word count up to 88k+ (for obvious reasons haha) words and who am I to say no to that? To be honest that is a new record for me to write during one month and it also helped me crack the 500k+ this year in total lol 
> 
> Really hope you guys like this one — I didn't really research a lot, just used some things I knew about and was really happy whenever _halohalo_ shared her headcanons and ideas about our men! (Again, thank you so much!!)
> 
> With that, I wish you all a (belated) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The thing with falling in love is that it most of the time happens when you least expect it, and with someone you least expect it. When Jiyong was still a small kid, running around at home in his mother‘s clothes and all that, he had always dreamed about marrying some pretty lady and having tons and tons of kids on his own — something he realized was not entirely what he wanted. He still wanted to kids, but the lady part was what had changed as soon as he hit puberty. It was weird — he had always admired strong women on TV, loved their clothes and the pretty makeup they wore, but when that girl from another class kissed him in 5th grade he didn’t feel a thing. Sure, her lips were soft and tasted like the strawberry lip gloss she wore, but it didn’t feel nice and didn’t make his tummy flutter like his sister had always told him what it would feel like and that made him feel terrible to the point that he had told his sister about it. Dami had just laughed and brushed it off, telling him that maybe he simply didn’t like  _ that  _ girl, or that he was still too young to feel these things and that he shouldn’t worry. 

But as he got a bit older he started to worry even more, because suddenly these butterfly feelings in his stomach appeared and he got all warm cheeks and funny feeling in his stomach and everything else his sister had told him about — but not when he was with a girl, but with a boy. — and that scared him. He didn’t tell anyone about it at first and he continuously beat himself up about it — Jiyong had never heard about such a thing happening before, what if he was a freak? What if he was some kind of abomination? What if there was something deeply wrong with him or if he was sick? 

It took him all his courage to ask his sister Dami about it one day — if there was a possibility that two people of the same gender could like each other. He tried to play it down, to pretend that this was something regarding a friend and not about him, but he knew that his sister knew that that was a lie; he still tried to remain calm and stop his hands from trembling. — In the end, she asked him a few questions, about why he thought that the person he knew like someone of the same gender and how they felt whenever they were around the person they seemingly liked. He tried to stay neutral and to not babble about how cute he thought Seunghyun was when he smiled, and how his dimples showed when he did or how he was just the best at cracking jokes and how he knew everything about hip hop and rap and the differences between west and east coast and everything else he loved so much. 

Dami just listened, no trace of judgement on her face at all — but then she simply smiled and said that while she didn’t know anyone personally who was like that, she didn’t see anything really wrong with it. There were people in the fashion industry from the US or Europe who openly liked people from the same gender, and singers, too so there had to be people in Korea, too — right? They talked for a while and Dami concluded that while it was not something you could openly admit in Korea, that it was something that was not abnormal. She told him that  _ his friend  _ should not beat himself up to much, because there was nothing wrong with who he was, but that he should be careful who he trusted with his secret. 

Jiyong had just nodded, cheeks red and heart beating fast.

That was at least something to work with, he thought. It could have been worse — so liking someone of the same gender was normal; well, as normal is it could be in Korea. Now that at least made him feel a little bit better, but it still didn’t change the fact that he finally liked someone, but could never tell the person, because he didn’t know what Seunghyun thought of all of this and if he would be one of those people who could also like someone of the same gender. It was hard — while everyone had to go through a heartbreak or two before finding someone they clicked with and who accepted and returned their feelings, it felt like Jiyong would have it a lot harder than other people. As time went by he and Seunghyun remained as close as they had always been — they scribbled down lyrics, eating meat together and making their hair stick up and giggling at it like crazy. They would also often link their arms together when watching a movie and Jiyong would rest his head on Seunghyun’s shoulder and Seunghyun would just smile warmly at him and sometimes he really thought that maybe, just maybe, Seunghyun loved him back. But then his older friend would go back to talking about girls, and about how amazing they were and that he couldn’t wait to get a girlfriend and then he would become this world star rapper.

He often said stuff like that when joking around — it still tugged at Jiyong‘s heart, a sinking feeling settling in and he would force a smile and just play along, saying that Seunghyun would definitely lose against him, because he would be the best rapper this world had ever seen and then they would move on to their next impromptu rap battle.

But even when Seunghyun always manages to put a smile on Jiyong’s face again, there are sometimes moments in his life where he gets sad that Seunghyun is not really his boyfriend. It is probably stupid to get this worked up, they are both in middle school and no one of his friends has ever dated someone, but still. Whenever he looks at Seunghyun he just wants to give him a kiss and hold his hand, but he can’t and that’s what makes him sad. 

— One day after school he is sitting outside. Head lost in the clouds again, thinking about Seunghyun and he can’t help but wonder about the what if‘s between them and if there is more. His eyes dart around; he is sitting near the Han River on a field of grass — daisies are growing around him and a small smile tugs at his lips. There is a simple game his sister has told him a long time ago that tells you if your crush likes you or not and looking down on the small flowers between his feet gives him the idea to simply try it. What could it hurt to try? Besides, maybe the universe would finally tell him if Seunghyun liked him or not. 

Jiyong carefully plucked one daisy off the ground — there were so many petals on it, there was no way he could just count them so it really would be a decision of fate. He smiled down at the flower for a moment, before he ripped off the first petal, creating a big gap between the other petals in one area alone. 

“He loves me.“ 

He slowly lets the plucked petal fall to the ground, watching it as it slowly lands on the green grass. Jiyong carefully lifts his hand again, ready to pluck the next one, when—

“What are you doing?“

Jiyong lets out a sudden scream, nearly dropping the whole flower as Seunghyun is suddenly sitting next to him with a big grin on his face — where the hell did he suddenly came from? His heart is beating a mile per hour — one part, because Seunghyun is sitting really close, the other, because Seunghyun just scared the shit out of him. 

“What the hell are  _ you  _ doing? Do you want to give me a heart attack?“ He is still clutching his chest with one hand and holding onto the flower with his other as Seunghyun just laughs at him. 

“Oh come on, it's not my fault. I saw you sitting here all on your own and decided to join you — besides, I called your name a couple of times, but you didn’t react; you only stared at this flower with that smile on your face so I had to jump in to get your attention!“ 

Jiyong wanted to cuss at him — his friend was so stupid sometimes.

“What is the deal with the flower anyways?“ 

His cheeks immediately got beet read. “Uhh, nothing!“

“Nothing? Then why did you pick the first petal off?“ 

The grin never left Seunghyun‘s face and Jiyong started to panic. Shit, there was no way Seunghyun did not know about the game with the flower and if he knew about it, then he also knew about the meaning, and that you only did that when you were in love and then he would relentlessly tease him for having a crush and then he would ask him who is crush was and Jiyong didn’t feel strong enough to not just confess on the spot if Seunghyun would ever directly ask him who he liked — so he needed to bullshit his way through this one. 

“Uh, I just like the way it looks like that?“

Seunghyun sent him a look that told him that he was totally not buying that shit excuse. “Oh, really?“

“Yes really!“

Silence stretched between them for a moment or two, during which Seunghyun looked between him and the flower, and back to him and then smiled brightly. “Alright, if you say so!“ He suddenly grabbed his backpack and pulled out one of his school books: literature. It was the one with the most pages and everyone complained about it being too heavy, but they still had to carry it around every day. Seunghyun quickly flipped it open and took the flower from Jiyong. 

“Hey, what are you—!“

“I‘m pressing it — see! This way it won’t wrinkle or something and my sister can like, put it between these plastic sheets or whatever they are called, so you can keep it with you all the time! She has done that before, I am sure she will do it again if I ask her so you won't always have to pluck new flowers to look at them.“

A warm feeling spread through his chest and he couldn’t help but smile dumbly.

“Alright, but don’t forget to give it back to me, okay?“ 

* * *

* * *

His legs hurt, his arms hurt, his neck and back — basically every single muscle in his body hurts; ever since he ended his training at SM and signed with YG his schedule has been even more packed than it already had been and he wouldn’t complain if he would actually do something productive during the schedules, but most of the time he helps with cleaning up the dance practice room, watches the dancers and helps everyone with small stuff, which ended with him complaining to YG himself, because he wanted to learn god damnit, and not sit around and do nothings so now YG made him write a new song each week as a starter  _ and  _ learn all the dances the background dancers had to learn and now he slightly regretted his decision, because the training was brutal. He was already used to it to some sort, because if there was something SM had been keen on then it was their dancing and making sure that everyone signed under SM knew how to dance, and if they didn’t yet, then they made sure that they would learn. 

Jiyong hadn't complained a lot during his SM training times, because it had been fun, but the new instructor at YG was scary and often barked at him if the got the steps wrong and Youngbae wasn’t much of a help most of the time either — so now everything hurt and he felt mopey about not nailing the dance as perfect as Youngbae had. What a traitor. Though, his friend had told him that they should meet up over the weekend and he would show him the steps again to make sure that everything would work perfectly well when they had dance practice again the following week and Jiyong all too gladly had said yes — but now enough of dancing and everything else, it was Friday and he promised Seunghyun he would come over and they would have a sleep over again. It had been a while and Jiyong had started to miss the other boy, but training was hard and taking up most of his time now and that sucked. He was really happy to meet up with the other boy again, tho. 

His heart nearly skipped a beat when he rang the doorbell and Seunghyun opened the door — his hair was slightly messy and he looked like he just woke up from a nap and he looked adorably sleepy, but that was not what made him feel like swooning. Seunghyun was wearing  _ glasses _ — how come he didn’t know that? He audibly gasped and couldn’t help but stare at his friend. He looked so  _ cute  _ and good like that! Who would have thought! 

“You’re wearing glasses!“ The amusement spread across his own face, but before he could say anything more Seunghyun’s hand darted up to where the glasses sat on his nose and he quickly put it away — there was a blush on his cheeks and he stared at the ground. 

“Just — come in, you can make fun of me later.“ He quickly ushered Jiyong inside who just shot him a confused look — making fun of him? Why would he do that? He stepped out of his shoes and hang up his coat and followed Seunghyun to his room. The other boy seemed tensed all of a sudden, and paced around the room — pretending to clean up a bit and put away a few CDs that lay scattered around on the ground, but Jiyong could easily see that he was only doing that because he felt uneasy and he really didn’t know why. Was it because of the glasses?

“Seunghyun — what’s wrong? Is it because I saw you with the glasses?“

The other boy didn’t react, just put away the rest of the CDs and slammed the door of the drawer shut and if there was one thing Jiyong hated then it was to be ignored. He quickly walked over to his friend and reached for his arm, making him look at him. 

“Hey, I am talking to you! Don’t ignore me — is it because of the glasses, yes or no?“

“Of course it is because of the glasses! Just get over with it and make fun of me like everyone always did back in school so we can move on from ridiculing me and actually do something funny!“

“But I didn’t want to make fun of you..“

Seunghyun scoffed loudly. 

“No, really! I think you look good in them, okay? Really good actually — not many people suit glasses I think and you don't see many people on the streets wearing them, but I think you look good with them.“

Some of the tension left Seunghyun’s body and he finally looked at Jiyong — he could still see the uncertainty in his features and how his eyes nervously flickered from the ground to Jiyong’s eyes and back to the ground. Had people really made fun of him for wearing glasses? 

“You think so?“ 

Instead of answering right away a warm smile spread across Jiyong’s face and he reached over to the nightstand where Seunghyun had placed his glasses. He carefully put them on the bridge of his friends nose, pushing it in place and beamed up at him as Seunghyun slightly adjusted them. 

“Yes!“

That finally made Seunghyun smile a little bit, too. “Okay, then I’ll wear them when I’m around you — but only at home.“

“That’s fine with me.“

They smiled at each other for a moment longer, before Seunghyun’s mom called them for dinner. Tonight was going to be a fun night for sure. 

* * *

* * *

He couldn’t believe that he was actually dumb enough to think that Seunghyun would actually show up on their final day of school — why should he? They would sent his final report card in the mail if he wasn’t there so there was no need for him to actually come; but then again he had promised Jiyong he would come. Especially because Jiyong would be holding a speech in front of all the students who graduate and he has been both; nervous and excited about it and he had practised his speech for weeks until perfection — but apparently that was not important enough for his friend to show up. 

How could he be so stupid to think that the thing that had been going on between them was more than just friendship? Or that he could actually trust his friend’s words and that he would not let him down when he needed him the most? Besides, Jiyong had wanted to spent as much time during their remaining Middle School days together as possible, because once he was in High School his schedules would take up basically all of his time and he would even have to skip school sometimes to catch up with the schedule and there would be no time to really meet up with Seunghyun on the regular — and if that didn’t suck enough already, then there was another factor that made Jiyong want to cry: Seunghyun would attend a different High School than he would. It had been simply a matter of what was closer to their homes, and ever since Jiyong had moved into another neighborhood with his family, his daily way to school was nearly five times as long as it had been before. 

As soon as they had moved he had pouted about it, because it meant that he and Seunghyun would not be able to walk home together anymore or randomly meet up when they were bored. 

So yeah, Jiyong had really been looking forward to spending their last day together in school, but apparently Seunghyun had had better things to do.

He kicked a stone away from the sidewalk, making it jump against the wooden fence he was walking along. This was stupid — Seunghyun was stupid. Why did he even like him? Just because they got along really well and because he made him laugh and he knew all his favourite dishes and favourite musicians and because he even knew about Jiyong’s love for period dramas? Definitely not. This was just ridiculous. Seunghyun was loud and obnoxious and annoying and totally not cute while being all that — Jiyong shook his head and sighed. Whenever he wanted to be mad at Seunghyun it would end with him swooning over the other one and that was just unfair. Seunghyun was not affected in the slightest, yet, here he was, ready to write yet another love sick teenage love song about unrequited love. 

His life sucked.

“Jiyong — wait!”

Or maybe not so much. 

He turned around as soon as he located where the voice was coming from — it was deep and nice and Jiyong would recognize it anytime; it was Seunghyun. Jiyong looked back and saw him, speeding towards him on a bike, only to come to an abrupt stop in front of him. He was breathing heavily and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and his cheeks were flushed and Jiyong hated himself a little bit for still thinking that there was no one who was more attractive than Seunghyun. 

He still sneered at the other boy. “What? You finally decided it was the right time to look for me?” Jiyong didn’t wait for an answer or for Seunghyun to explain himself. “You know what, Choi? Why don’t you come back to wherever you just came from and leave me alone—!”

Jiyong turned around, ready to continue his way home, but got stopped as Seunghyun tripped over his own bicycle just to hold onto his wrist. “No wait! Listen! —” he nearly fell on his face in the process. “—I was up all night to finish a present for you and I overslept the ceremony. I am so sorry okay? I didn’t mean to miss your speech, I even made sure that I had all my clothes laid out for today and all that, but then mom and Hyeyoun had to leave early and didn’t wake me and I just slept through my alarm.  _ You know _ how hard it is to get me to get up in the morning.”

He sighed — yes he knew all too well. They had had enough sleepovers by now for him to know how much it took to get Seunghyun to wake up and get up in the morning and he had heard the older one complain too many times about school starting way too early and that it was throwing off his own biological rhythm and that school just sucked all the life out of him and his creativity was basically dead thanks to it. While he did agree on some aspects, right now he was still pissed off and didn’t care about that. He didn’t care about it at all — all he did care about was that he had prepared this amazing speech, where he actually had also wanted to thank his close friends — which also obviously included Seunghyun — but ultimately decided against it when the older one didn't show up.

Jiyong crossed his arms in front of his chest, effectively ripping his hand out of the grasp Seunghyun had on it. “Oh please, spare me your excuses I don’t want to hear them! You knew how nervous I was about this — you knew, and you weren’t there when I needed you! You really are an amazing friend, thank you Seunghyun!” 

He already had his back to the other boy when there were suddenly strong arms wrapped around his frame, holding him in place and pinning his own arms against his chest. “Seunghyun what th—”

“I am not letting go, not before we make up. I am sorry I fucked up—”

“Yes you did!” He tried to get away, but that only made Seunghyun wrap his arms tighter around his frame. If they would have been in a different situation, Jiyong would have probably fainted on the spot, but his skin was still prickling with anger.

“—I am sorry, okay? I really wanted to be there Ji, okay? It was an accident and I feel horrible because I wasn’t there and I don’t want to fight with you. Can we just, I don’t know, make up, I buy you your favourite stupid fish stew and give you your present and we are good again?” 

Jiyong sulked. This was stupid — he had all right to be pissed at Seunghyun, but now he was being incredibly sweet to him and he could already feel his resolve crumbling. Why did he had to be so sweet all the damn time? He sighed angrily, exhaling loudly. 

“Alright,  _ fine _ , but only because you said you had a present for me.”

Seunghyun’s smile was so big it nearly blinded Jiyong. 

“Okay, okay — then come on! We have to get to my place and we will pick up some food on our way back. Just sit down on the back of my bike and we will be there in a minute!” 

* * *

The ride over to Seunghyun’s house was a bit wobbly and Jiyong screamed half of the time while Seunghyun laughed like a maniac as they sped down the streets of Seoul. Jiyong was honestly surprised no police officer stopped them or that no car drove them over and he was a bit shaky on his legs as he stepped down from the bike. If that was not enough already, his ass hurt, too from the metal bars digging into it when he had sat down on the back of the bicycle. Seunghyun’s present better be something amazing or he would make his life living hell. 

Seunghyun put the bike away, still smiling brightly and lead them inside his home. His mom and sister weren’t home yet — it was still early after all — and the house was awfully quiet. They quickly walked up to Seunghyun‘s room and he immediately put in one of their favorite Tupac CDs. “Just sit down on the bed for a second, will you? I will get your present for you!“

Jiyong just shrugged, nodding while sitting down on the comfortable bed, his eyes roaming the room he was all too familiar with by now. There were still the same posters on the wall as three years ago when they first started to hang out on a daily basis, there was also still the same mess that always was present in Seunghyun's room; something Jiyong had nagged him for way too many times to count by now, but that had not changed ever since they became friends. Would his older friend ever learn? Probably not — Jiyong chuckled at that. A small part of him had always fantasized about what it would have been like to date the other boy, and maybe even eventually move in with him; but that always involved a lot of nagging from his side — something that he already did. 

Seunghyun came back into the room with the same big, stupid smile on his face as he grinned down to Jiyong — almost bouncing on his feet in exquitment. He was holding something behind his back, but Jiyong couldn't see for the life of him what it was. “Alright, close your eyes for a moment!“

Jiyong scoffed and rolled his eyes — how cliché; though he secretly liked it that Seunghyun was making such a show out of all of this. He closed his eyes and waited patiently for whatever Seunghyun had planned — a few seconds passed and he felt how the other boy placed something in his hands. His eyes opened almost immediately and he looked down; it was a box. A shoe box?

It certainly looked like one, but there were doodles on the box and so many sticker and Jiyong could also see that there were a few CD covers glued to the surface, but the thing he liked best was what Seunghyun had written on top of the shoe box. 

‘ _ For my shell; the best friend I could ever ask for and someone who I am always proud of — Kwon Jiyong.‘ _

Jiyong had to bite his lips because he was already smiling so big, but he tried to suppress it. He knew that he was easy when it came to Seunghyun, but the other boy did not have to know that. Carefully he let his hand wander across the box — he looked at it from every angle; reading all the puns and short sentences Seunghyun had scribbled on it and it just made him smile bigger and bigger. After a while he finally felt enough courage to open the box — and nearly cried when he saw what Seunghyun had gotten him. It was no secret that while Jiyong‘s family never suffered from poverty that they did not had a lot of money and whenever Jiyong wanted to have something that was a little bit more expensive, then he would have to save his pocket money for months and months to get his hands on what he wanted. 

He had been saving for months now to get a pair of the Nike Air Force 1, but he still did not have enough and he had already given up on ever getting his hands on a pair of those sneakers — and now here he was, holding a shoe box of said sneakers in his hands. A present from his Hyung to him — a graduation present. 

As if that was not enough already Seunghyun seemingly had picked daisies — there were so many of them poking out between the shoes and now Jiyong really felt like crying. How could one person be this cute? He felt his eyes getting wet as the first tears formed in his eyes and within second he placed the box on Seunghyun’s bed and threw his arms around the other boy’s neck, hugging him close while saying  _ ‘thank you, thank you, thank you‘ _ over and over again.

The other boy just chuckled and returned the hug. 

“Told you I would always be proud of you.“ 

Jiyong just chuckled and buried his face in the other boy‘s neck — he didn’t care if Seunghyun thought he was being a softie or whatever; this was literally the best present he had ever gotten from anyone, period. He couldn’t remember the last time when he got this worked up over a present like that — probably because it had never happened before. He hugged Seunghyun closer to his own body one more time, before slowly letting go — Seunghyun’s hands still remained on his waist and Jiyong suddenly realized how close they were in that moment. He had been so lost in his own happiness about Seunghyun’s present that all his reservations had flown straight out of the window and within the matter of seconds his face got beet red — but Seunghyun just smiled at him, chuckled, and then messed up his hair with his hand; rubbing over the top of it. 

“I‘m glad you like your present. I knew you wouldn’t — am I not the best Hyung?“ 

“Ahh, so full of yourself!“ Jiyong took Seunghyun’s hand from his head and pushed it aside, the big smile back in place. He opened his mouth to say something, but then he could hear the front door downstairs getting opened and Seunghyun’s mother calling his name and whatever small moment that had been happening between them broke. Whatever — if Seunghyun’s mom was home that meant his sister would be here soon, too and he would rather not have any of those two see him cry like a baby.

* * *

* * *

It had all felt like a dream if Jiyong was being completely honest with himself — after spending the last summer after Middle School with Seunghyun, he really hadn’t had much time to meet up with the other boy; more like none at all. It had torn him apart and he had cried a lot, but over time it got easier. He had still missed his friend terribly, but most of the time he had been so busy that he hadn't had the time to cry about him or to fully miss him, which probably sounded cold, but that was how things had developed. 

Time passed in a blur and he found himself in some club he definitely was too young to be in with some of his friends — a rare moment of free-time. It had been too long. He really needed a time out like this, just getting stupid drunk with his best friends and maybe making out with a cute guy and see what the underground rap battle was like. He had heard a lot about that — how there were different gigs every weekend, different rappers that would battle each other and how some of them were really amazing at what they did and Jiyong really could use some inspiration.

Hyungsuk had made him produce one song per week during middle school, but now that he was older and had a better grasp on how to properly form raps and how to make puns work in his lyrics, he had stocked it up to one song per day and that was a pain in the ass to say the least. He knew that most of them were rubbish and that Hyunsuk didn’t like them much, but it was practice and he would never give less than one hundred percent — didn’t mean that he didn’t need inspiration for his lyrics every now and then. Normally he would just watch another drama and write love songs about the love the protagonists shared and add some of his personal experiences to it, but these days his brain didn’t seem to work right and he couldn’t concentrate much on lyrics. 

The music was loud, the bass heavy and then all the lights went off as the two contestants for the first round stepped on stage. He could only see the face of the first one properly — he was slim, but tall and had a nice face; the other guy Jiyong couldn't really say much about. The only thing he could see right away was that he was a bit on the chubbier side — Jiyong couldn't see much of that guy; he was wearing a big hoodie and a beanie, with the hood pulled over his head. The only thing he saw was the tip of the nose — and then the rap battle began.

The first guy wasn’t completely terrible, but his lyrics weren’t really original. He made fun of the other contestant, of his weight, saying stupid stuff about his appearance and all that and Jiyong just rolled his eyes. This was so cliché that it was almost boring — he took a sip from his beer and waited to see if the second guy was any better.

He took a full swing of his beer when the second guy suddenly pushed back the hood and revealed his face — it was Seunghyun; Jiyong spit out his beer and totally ignoring his friend who had spit on right now who was screaming something at him. The other boy definitely had grown up in the few years they hadn't seen each other and Jiyong couldn’t believe what was happening in front of his eyes. Seunghyun — his middle school crush — was on stage at a rap battle in front of so many people and spitting absolute  _ fire.  _ He nearly forgot how to breath as he watched him closely, listened to every word he said and could feel his own heart beating a mile per hour. Shit, he had always known that Seunghyun had been good — but  _ this _ ?

He was speechless.

Even more so when the battle ended and Seunghyun won — the whole crowd went nuts and Jiyong just stood there, still dumbstruck as he watched Seunghyun come down from the stage. There was that big, dimpled smile again he had known so well a few years ago and he just wanted to run up to him and say hi — but then he got shy; what if Seunghyun was mad at him for not keeping in touch? Would he still want to be friends with him? — Jiyong couldn't really think about that all too much, because suddenly Seunghyun’s eyes landed on him and it was as if the whole world narrowed down on them. All the noises around Jiyong suddenly seemed like they were far away and he could just stare at the other boy for a moment, before he realized that Seunghyun was smiling at him and walking up to him full speed and then he was being pulled into a big bear hug and all his fears melted away. 

They were still good and Jiyong returned the hug. 

* * *

Months had passed after their reunion and in the span of maybe six months their whole life had been turned upside down. Jiyong and Youngbae had been training for years now to debut as a hip-hop duo and Hyungsuk had promised that their debut would be soon — something Jiyong had been looking forward to ever since he started his training. But somewhere in the middle of all of the things that had been happening in his life now Seunghyun had auditioned at YG — two times — lost a shit ton of weight, and actually ended up signing a contract at the same label Jiyong was at and that was amazing! The only thing Jiyong hadn‘t really been happy about was the fact that Hyungsuk had seen the talent Seunghyun was and had simply overthrown his old plan of making Youngbae and Jiyong debut as a hip-hop duo, but decided that Seunghyun should join them, as well as two others and they would form an  _ idol  _ group. 

While Jiyong had been devastated when he first had heard the news and had been pissed off, he wasn’t too pissed off about it anymore, because a few months into their joined training and all of them moved into a dorm, which meant he could spent a lot of time with Seunghyun — and Seunghyun only, because they were the rappers of the group and therefore the ones who would end up writing most of their lyrics.

If Jiyong had thought that his little crush during Middle School times had been bad, then oh boy — that was nothing compared to the intense and huge, borderlining to ridiculous, crush he had on him now. He had always liked the way Seunghyun looked; his at first rough appearance that had admittingly scared Jiyong the very first time their met, his cute, cat like smile, his intense eyes — he had already liked all of that in Middle School. But now Seunghyun truly looked like someone who just stepped out of a photo shooting and Jiyong always went a little bit brain dead whenever he looked at the other boy for too long. 

He was just glad that all of the other members, and  _ especially  _ Seunghyun, were pretty dense when it came to noticing a crush even as obvious as Jiyong’s was. They just thought that it was some rapper thing that they always did stuff together or stayed up late, or that Jiyong would practically be glued to Seunghyun's side all the time and that was probably for the better. 

Another thing that Jiyong really liked was, that he was finally able to see Seunghyun naked — even if it had been a total accident. 

He had come home earlier from a schedule — headphones still on and blasting music loudly as he walked into the vacant dorm; all of the other members either were at home over the weekend, or spent time with their friends or had other schedules and Jiyong had already planned to take full advantage of the empty dorm. 

First, he would take a long, relaxing bath — jerk off a few times while he was at it — and then watch all of the episodes he had recorded during the past few weeks of his new favorite drama. It had been pretty hectic and he had missed most of them and he just  _ had to  _ know what happened next. 

He hadn't really thought about anything as he carelessly opened the door to the bathroom, already carrying a fresh set of clothes, while his headphones still played music and he hummed along — but then he suddenly felt like fainting. Right during the time he opened the door and stepped into the room, Seunghyun had stepped out of the shower and Jiyong had full view of his whole body. He could see his arms, his naked buff chest, his now flat stomach, his long legs and something he had never dared to dream of seeing — his dick. He couldn’t help but stare; there were still a few bubbles clinging onto the boys skin and Jiyong felt an intense wave of arousal hit him in full force and his mouth went dry. — and then he finally snapped out of it as Seunghyun dashed forward and grabbed one of the fresh towels. Jiyong also finally heard that Seunghyun was screaming at him to get out and the blush hit him — he turned around and practically ran to his own room, slamming the door shut behind him, while yelling  _ ‘I‘m sorry!‘ _ at the other boy. 

Though that was a lie — shit. He had seen Seunghyun naked. Completely naked. He groaned as he buried his face in his hands, almost whining when he felt how hard he was already just from seeing his friend bare like that. 

Maybe living together would be more of a challenge than he had originally anticipated.

* * *

* * *

Jiyong had known that the day would come that Seunghyun would find someone — he was smart, good looking, funny and incredibly sweet. It was only a matter of time before some stupid girl with a big smile and nice legs would come along and whisk him away from him; but deep down he had always hoped that this day would never come, but it had and he felt like utter shit. Scratch that, even on days were he felt like shit he still felt a thousand times better than he did  _ now. _ He knew that a heartbreak hurt, god, he knew — he had had other crushes before that just weren’t into him or had played him, but this? This was another level of heartbreak and it made him feel physically ill to the point where he couldn’t even get up in the morning. 

He was thankful for once that all the other members had training and that he managed to get his day off, because there was no way he could put on a happy face today. Maybe tomorrow he could force it again, but today he could not. Seunghyun hadn‘t told him personally that he had a girlfriend, but Seungho had seen him with said girl. They had been laughing and Seunghyun had been playing with her like he always did — all smiles and affectionate and he was carrying her bags and was teasing her and if that hadn’t been enough, Seungho saw them  _ kissing _ . If you knew Seunghyun you knew that he was not found of PDA, so him kissing a girl like that meant that it had to be something serious, something special and that was what hurt so bad. 

Over the past he and Seunghyun had been  _ close _ . Like, really close. To the point that there had been moments between them were Jiyong had felt the tension prickling between them, had seen they way Seunghyun had stared down on his lips and how he had seen  _ want _ . Or all the times where Seunghyun would throw his arm around him, pretending to tease him only to pull him close and keep him close to him for the rest of the night whenever they were at a club. — or all the times Seunghyun would tickle him mercilessly until Jiyong had tears in his eyes and then would get pinned down onto the ground, breathing heavily and smiling up at Seunghyun with flushed cheeks. 

Hell, he knew all of those small moments were more than just platonic friendship. More than just teasing — and all the small presents Seunghyun had given him over the past few months; it all had to mean something, right? 

Guess not, because Jiyong was not the person Seunghyun was dating now. 

How could he have been so stupid? 

He wiped away the tears, but new ones followed suit. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop crying and the pain just wouldn’t stop — he needed to get it out of his system, find distraction, anything to get through this. Jiyong scrambled up from his bed and dived to his backpack, taking out his sketchbook and started to write. That was the only way he had ever really been able to deal with pain and rejection. He would write songs about it, get it all down, write the lyrics down again and again until he finally felt better and if he was lucky it also got him a good song at the end of the day. 

So what if Seunghyun had started to ignore him from one day to another, so what if he only got glaring eyes and a cold shoulder, so what. It didn’t matter. What did matter was the band and their future and that meant Jiyong would have to continue to write songs, to produce them, to get them done, and this was the perfect way to do this. He would turn his own heartbreak into a success. To show Seunghyun that he wouldn’t be affected by his treatment, that he wouldn’t be affected by Seunghyun dating someone — instead he would be a good friend, someone he could rely on no matter what and he would be better than to be petty and hate that stupid girl he was seeing. 

Besides, teenagers fell in and out of love all the damn time. It was only a matter of time until they would break up and if they did, Jiyong would be the one who would still be here. He would still be Seunghyun’s friend, or at least the leader of their group and Seunghyun would come back to him for sure. One way or another. For now, he would just have to suffer in silence through the pain and hope that they would break up sometime soon. 

* * *

Just that they didn’t. It was over a year until they finally broke up and from the way Seunghyun had always been acting around his girlfriend he had expected the other man to be devastated when they broke it off, but if he was devastated he didn’t show it — at all. Sure there were a few days after the breakup where he moped around at home in front of the TV, but that wasn’t much different from when Seunghyun got into one of his moods where he was depressed or simply felt drained and Jiyong really wanted to know what this was all about. 

But at the same time he didn’t dare to ask. Ever since Seunghyun had started to date that girl they had grown distant — it had hurt, but Jiyong continuously told himself that eventually they would be good again. He was a realist, but he was also deeply romantic so he did believe in a happy ending. There had to be — even if it meant that he and Seunghyun were only platonic soulmates, but it still was something he clinged on to. So he gave Seunghyun the space he needed — he worked on new songs all the time, went out with some of his friends to get drunk and to party and slept around a bit. Just because he was still head over heels for Seunghyun didn’t mean he suddenly turned into a monk — he still loved sex and he had no troubles with separating what his heart wanted and what his body needed. Plus, it was a good way to unwind after a long stressful week and it was also a lot of fun. 

Something that felt weird tho was how after sometime Seunghyun would glare at him whenever he got ready — even during the time he still had had a girlfriend Seunghyun had sometimes given him one of those looks that Jiyong just couldn’t read. It wasn’t a positive look for sure, but he couldn’t really place it beyond that. Seunghyun would just glare at him and if he asked what was wrong with him, his friend would just glare even more and snap at him and that was the end of that. 

It seemingly got worse after they had broken up, though, because now Seunghyun not only glared at him — but openly commented on the things he was wearing. That his pants were too tight and looked stupid or that he should at least change the shirt , because half of his chest could be seen — Jiyong just shrugged. He liked the way his collar bones looked and he would make sure to show them off whenever he went out to have some fun — and that only made Seunghyun more angry.

A few weeks passed until Jiyong realized that Seunghyun’s shitty behavior was simply because the other man was jealous. He never said anything straight out like that, especially not when he was jealous — instead he would get pissed and retreat back into his room and shut everyone out and nearly bite their heads off if they dared to come closer to him — and once Jiyong had realized that, something inside of him started to bloom again. It was like a dried out flower that got taken good care of again; Seunghyun liked him. He liked him so much that he got insanely jealous whenever Jiyong would go out to get laid and that was enough for him to work with. If Seunghyun liked him just the tiniest bit, he would try his luck. 

Tho he was still being careful about all of this — they had been close once before and that ended with Jiyong suffering through his worst heartbreak to date and he was not keen on suffering like that a second time. So, being careful it was. He started slow; knocking at Seunghyun’s door and asking him if he could maybe help him with some lyrics he had trouble with — at the beginning he was mostly met with glares, but eventually Seunghyun started to soften up a bit and actually let Jiyong into his room. They would work on a few songs and as time passed it started to feel natural again — to work together to be close to each other again; but everything crashed and burned as soon as Jiyong went out to a party again. As soon as Jiyong was getting ready, the glare was back on and Seunghyun would not meet his eyes. 

As much as he liked Seunghyun, he also liked to get drunk and spent time with his friends at the club, but as soon as he would do that Seunghyun would probably think that he would spend the night with some stranger. Maybe connecting the both would work? Instead of storming off because Seunghyun was pissed again, Jiyong had decided to simply ask if the other one wanted to come along. Seunghyun reacted the same way he had reacted when he had asked him if he could help him with lyrics at first, but Jiyong wouldn’t stop whining and down right begging until Seunghyun would come along and once he did it was half as bad. It would take a few drinks to get Seunghyun to loosen up a bit, but once he was it was hilarious. He would crack jokes and dance in a funny way and make Jiyong laugh all the time and if that alone wasn’t amazing enough, the fact that he got super affectionate when drunk was another things Jiyong liked. 

He would stay close to Jiyong all evening long and sometimes even dance with him — well, it was more Jiyong grinding on him and Seunghyun just standing there with his arms around his waist than them dancing, but it was enough for Jiyong and if the broad smile on Seunghyun’s lips said anything, then that he didn’t mind Jiyong using him as a prop while dancing. 

Every once in a while Seunghyun would let his hands wander up and down his sides and that was nice, too. 

* * *

Patience seemed to be the theme of what was going on between him and Seunghyun and by now Jiyong was used to it. It had been more or less two years now since this thing had started to grow between them and nearly half a year since Seunghyun had broken off with that girl — and he was getting impatient. What in the world would it take for Seunghyun to finally jump over his shadow and just kiss him? Jiyong couldn't do it, because if he did it and Seunghyun didn’t feel ready yet to try this with a guy he would shy him away and that was the last thing he wanted to do, so the only thing he could do was to wait. 

Fate seemed to be against him, too. 

Hyungsuk had finally given the okay for Jiyong to have his solo debut — the song was already recorded and they were now busy with shooting the MV to ‘Heartbreaker‘, which meant Jiyong was busy all the time and could barely see Seunghyun. At the same time, Seunghyun was away because after he had been part of that one video clip where he had shaved of his hair and beat up people with a baseball bat, Hyungsuk had decided that he did look kinda good while acting so he had been signed up for acting classes and was now busy with filming a drama called ‘IRIS‘ so they never really saw each other at all and it had been two weeks since he had the last proper conversation with the other man and he was tired and hungry and if he had to shoot this damn scene one more time he would throw something. 

He had been up since 5 am — getting his makeup done, repeating scene after scene, singing his song over and over again to get all the recordings they needed, and all the scenes done. Normally, Jiyong loved to shoot MVs — but so far the other members had always been around him and now he was completely on his own. 

His head was pounding and he couldn’t help but sulk as he heard someone pick up the microphone again — wonderful, the director would probably scream at him or the staff again, because things didn’t work the way he wanted them to work or that they had to redo the choreography again, because you were able to see one of the microphones hanging into the view.

But none of it happened. Instead of the high pitched, annoyed voice of the director, a deep, baritone voice was heard and Jiyong‘s whole face lit up within the matter of a second — it was Seunghyun. What the hell was he doing here?

“Yah! Jiyong — give your best! I am watching you!“ He was laughing and Jiyong was too, because it had been so long since he last had heard his voice and suddenly he really had a reason to give his best. Seunghyun was here and was watching! He just had to give his best. 

The makeup artist added the last few things strokes of makeup on his face and he was finally done — the staff immediately guided him towards the spot in front of the camera, but Jiyong couldn't help but look back to where Seunghyun was sitting — smiling brightly at the other boy, who returned the smile just as big and sent a thousand butterflies off in his stomach. 

Maybe today wasn’t as bad as Jiyong had thought it would be. 

* * *

* * *

They were out in one of their favorite clubs again, celebrating — Hyungsuk confirmed just a few hours ago that they would get their subunit and could start working on their album everyday now and Jiyong was over the moon. This was just too amazing and something he had secretly always dreamed of ever since he and Seunghyun had started to doodle lyrics into their math books during class. They were going to make an album — just the two of them, and they would promote it together and it would be amazing, because Seunghyun was amazing and they got along so well and everything would work out for once!

The music was loud and the alcohol in his system made his head spin just the right amount of time — there were so many people here today, but Jiyong didn’t really care. He was in a good mood, he was there with Seunghyun and he just wanted to dance to the music and enjoy his time — his mind was a bit foggy, but he could feel eyes on his body, someone was staring at him and he had to grin. He finally opened his eyes, only to realize that it was Seunghyun who was staring hungrily at him and Jiyong finally reached his breaking point. 

For the past year they had tiptoed around whatever this was between them and he had had enough, he had waited long enough and he would finally take what was his — he let his arms fall down to his sides and marched up to where Seunghyun was standing, sipping on his beer. He took a strong hold of his wrist and dragged him out of the room and off the dancefloor — it was hard to find a place that wasn’t filled with people, but after taking a few turns left and right they finally reached the staircase at the back of the club and Jiyong threw the heavy door shut behind them. He didn’t hesitate for a second and instead, pushed Seunghyun against the now closed door and dived into a kiss. Their lips collided and Jiyong felt as if he was flying; his head was spinning but now for a completely different reason — Seunghyun's lips tasted amazing and were so soft and he never wanted to stop kissing the other man. 

Seunghyun had gotten completely stiff, not moving for a second and Jiyong‘s drunken brain slowly started to regret his decision, when there was finally a reaction. He could feel the strong hands that suddenly cradled his face and how lips pressed urgently against his with a hunger he had not been expecting and and then there was the hint of a tongue swiping over his lower lip and Jiyong let go. He moaned into the kiss, pressed his body against Seunghyun’s and let his hands roam the other‘s body — touching his sides, sliding over his stomach and groping his pecs, only to bury them in the short hair at the back of Seunghyun’s neck and then he was suddenly the one who got pinned against the door and Seunghyun pressed a thigh between his legs and moved deliciously against his straining dick. 

He was panting already and he had to break the kiss to get air back into his lungs — Seunghyun choose the moment to let his lips wander down from his lips to his neck; starting with gentle, soft kisses and licks that soon turned into rough nips and sucking and Jiyong felt light-headed. His own hands started to wander again and he let his hands slide down to Seunghyun’s crotch — he was hard, and moaned as soon as Jiyong‘s hand pressed down on his dick. He didn’t hold back — with clever fingers he undid the button of Seunghyun’s pants and pulled down the zipper; he was way too horny and drunk to think straight right now and he just needed to get his hands on Seunghyun  _ now _ . — Seunghyun seemingly had the same idea, because just a few seconds later Jiyong could feel how his own pants got undone and how Seunghyun carefully pulled him out and shoved his underwear down. 

The angle was tricky, but when Seunghyun grinned his hips down their hard dicks were pressed together and Jiyong couldn’t remember ever feeling  _ this  _ good. 

“Shit, Seunghyun — you feel amazing, you are amazing.“ — his own voice was suddenly rough and had a desperate twinge to it and the more he rambled the more desperate he got as he moaned out praises. He felt how Seunghyun shivered at every word and how an almost animalistic strength shot through him whenever his voice would get low and sweet and when his lips would dance over the tips of his ears. “—Jiyong, your voice I—“ another deep moan escaped Seunghyun's lips as Jiyong bit down on the lobe of his ear and sucked it between his lips. 

“ _ This— _ “ he was panting harshly as Seunghyun took both of their erections into his hands and pumped them quickly, twisting his wrist towards the end, before sliding down again and pressing them against one another. “— _ is seducing you, my voice is just like sweet Medusa.“ _

The tight feeling in his stomach and the prickling sensation of being about to come rolled through him and he desperately held onto Seunghyun; buried his face in the neck of the other man and breathed him in deeply — his head spinning and then, finally, he reached his peak. He bit down on Seunghyun’s neck trying to stifle the moans that spilled from his lips as he fucked into the tight fist around his dick. He could feel how is own cum spilled over them and a few seconds later Seunghyun was coming, too. It was insane to finally witness this and Jiyong forgot how to breathe for a moment as he watched Seunghyun fall apart — he was so fucking beautiful it hurt and there was not a single thing that could be hotter than Choi Seunghyun coming all over his shirt. 

They sagged back against the door — still breathing hard as they tried to hold themselves up. Jiyong could feel how his legs were getting weak after coming so hard and Seunghyun holding on to him didn’t help at all. Moments passed and they slowly regained some control over their breathing, but Seunghyun was still pressed against Jiyong — not moving away and simply nosing along his neck and making Jiyong smile brightly. Who would have known that Seunghyun would get this cuddly after orgasm — he was definitely not complaining. 

“The thing what you just said —“ Seunghyun still sounded breathless. “We should put that in a song, it sounded amazing coming from your lips.“ He finally looked up and down at Jiyong — amusement as well as something different dancing in his eyes. He couldn’t really say what it was, but Jiyong liked the way Seunghyun looked at him right now — it was like a puppy looking up to you with adoration and it made him feel all mushy inside. 

“You liked that? You not only saying that because your brain stops working after coming all over me like that?“ He had to chuckle when Seunghyun finally looked down on Jiyong’s shirt — his eyes widened in panic and he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. A blush already forming on his cheeks.

“Ah, I planned this to happen differently — I‘m sorry for messing this up, Ji.“

Jiyong finally reached down and pulled up their pants and tugged them back into their underwear. “Planned what differently?“

Seunghyun pulled up his own pants and tightened the belt. He was nervously playing with his belt, staring down. “Well, for a start kissing you and telling how much I actually like you — but I think we did things out of order.“

The high he had felt was back in full force. “You — you actually like me? This is not some  _ ‘I am drunk and horny and want to get off‘ _ thing to you?“ 

Seunghyun suddenly looked insecure. “—why, is it to you?“

Jiyong immediately shook his head and pulled Seunghyun closer again — clasping his hands over his belt and only stopping when they were basically nose to nose. “I have liked you for years now, Seunghyun — so no, this is not just me being drunk and horny. I really like you. A lot actually — it is probably embarrassing how much I like you.“ 

His cheeks were red, but it didn’t matter. Seunghyun was grinning down on him, the same besotted smile on his lips as there was on Jiyong’s. “Good, because I really, really like you, too.“ 

* * *

* * *

As long as it had taken them to finally take the step from  _ just friends  _ to  _ boyfriends  _ they didn’t spend much time to get close to each other. Ever since that night in the club they had been basically attached at the hip — even more than before. Wherever Jiyong went, Seunghyun would follow suit; be it shopping for clothes, meeting with their boss, dance practice, or having lunch with some of this sister — and the same thing for Seunghyun. Whenever the other boy went out to visit an art gallery, Jiyong would tag along, or when he would hit up the recording studio at 2 am in the morning — it didn’t matter. Jiyong would follow him. 

It had been another one of those scenarios — they had been busy all day with different schedules and once they had met up at Seunghyun’s place in the evening they both had felt restless and had wanted to do  _ something _ . So Jiyong asked if they should take a quick tour through Seoul in his car, just listening to music and Seunghyun obviously said yes. They drove around for sometime, with Seunghyun picking songs — it was a nice feeling to just be together like that and Jiyong enjoyed how his boyfriend would continue to look at him while they drove. This was probably the only reason why he was secretly happy that Seunghyun did not have a license. Their nightly car dates had become part of their routine these days. 

When they finally came back from the car ride they were still wide awake and Seunghyun just wouldn’t stop looking at Jiyong with coy smiles — it made Jiyong blush and feel hot around the collar, especially when Seunghyun wrapped his arms around his waist and started to leave kisses on the side of his neck. He hated how easily he started to giggle and how much he enjoyed it when Seunghyun picked him up and threw him playfully down on the couch, before crawling over him and silencing his giggles with deep kisses. Within seconds they were kissing frantically — the nervous energy that had been raging inside of them finally coming free and Jiyong tugged until Seunghyun’s whole body weight pressed him into the cushions underneath his back. 

He loved that, too. To feel his lovers weight on top of him like that, to get pressed down into the couch or bed, or wherever else they ended up at. It made him feel safe. It made him happy, and incredibly horny, too and the evidence of that was already digging into the waist of Seunghyun. — They had done a lot so far; handjobs, heated makeout sessions, even a few blowjobs, but they hadn’t had taken the step yet where they had sex. They had been busy with schedules and while they did spent a lot time together, they rarely had a moment just for themselves so this right here was luxury right now. They were both wide awake and finally alone — their hands roaming their bodies and hearts beating frantically against their chests. Jiyong carefully pulled back from the kiss, smiling as Seunghyun chased his lips with his own for another moment, kissing him one more time, before pulling back to look at his boyfriend with loving eyes. 

Jiyong suddenly felt like a nervous virgin all over again — his hands were trembling and the anxious fluttering in his stomach was making it hard to think straight and his painful erection didn’t help him at thinking straight right now. His hands were still wrapped around Seunghyun’s neck and his fingers were playing with his hair — his eyes darted between his boyfriend’s hungry eyes and his lips as he finally managed to gather all of his courage to ask what he had wanted to ask for a long time. 

“Do you — do you maybe want to continue this in the bedroom?” Jiyong hated how stupid he sounded in that moment; then again there could have been worse ways to ask Seunghyun if he wanted to have sex with him and from the way he was blushing and slowly nodding his head, Jiyong had done everything right. He let out a relieved sigh and smiled up at Seunghyun and that took out some of the nervous tension between them. Without saying anything Seunghyun pulled him up from the couch, his hands landing on his lips and kissing him again while Jiyong pushed him towards the bedroom. 

The urgency came back as they lost clothes the closer they came to the bed, trailing a line of clothes from the living room to Seunghyun’s bedroom and there was something incredibly hot about undressing your lover like that on your way to bed. Jiyong quickly reached over to the lamp standing on the nightstand and flicked it on — the room got flooded by warm light and Jiyong gasped as he finally saw Seunghyun properly. They were both down to his underwear and pants and Jiyong could see Seunghyun’s upper body — something he hadn’t seen in a very long time and it felt like seeing him like that for the very first time, because now he was  _ his  _ and Seunghyun was the one who showed him his body and Jiyong felt his mouth water. He had felt Seunghyun’s body underneath thin shirts before, had touched his naked skin underneath of them, but they had never been completely naked in front of each other before — but they would be soon.

His heart was in his throat as he reached for his boyfriend’s chest, his hands trembling even more. “—I can’t believe you let me touch you.”

Seunghyun let out a nervous chuckle. “Well, it’s you — you are one of a kind.” He pushed a few strands that had fallen onto Jiyong’s face aside. “I trust you.” His hand cradling his cheek, “I cherish you—” scooting closer until their lips were millimeters apart “—and I love you.” Seunghyun closed the gap between them and Jiyong could feel fireworks going off inside of him. — Seunghyun  _ loved  _ him. It was more than a simply crush, more than fooling around — it was love and Jiyong was crying happy tears as he threw his arms around Seunghyun’s neck, pulling him close and kissing him deeply. He put all of his emotions into this kiss, wanting to make Seunghyun understand how happy he was making him and how much he loved him, too. How long he had wanted him and how much this meant to him.

He gasped loudly as they pulled apart for a second. “I love you, too—” Now Jiyong was the one who was cradling Seunghyun’s face — holding it like a precious treasure, too scared to let go in case it could break. “I love you so much, Seunghyun.” 

Seunghyun was crying now, too and the smile bigger than any Jiyong had ever seen before. Bigger than the smile he had on his lips when his mother had bought him ice cream when they were little, bigger than the smile he had on his lips when he won all those rap battles, bigger than the smile he had on his lips when he got accepted into YG — and bigger than any smile he had ever given to anyone else on this planet. It made him breathless and more tears were falling now — he couldn't think straight and felt how his head was spinning and then they were kissing again.

They kissed until their lips were swollen and red, until their skin was sticky and their breath uneven and then they kissed some more. Finger getting frantic as they got rid of their pants and underwear and then they were finally naked in front of each other — the nervous fluttering back inside Jiyong’s chest as Seunghyun’s hungry eyes took in his whole body. They lingered on his collar bones, on his nipples and on his thighs and when Jiyong laid down on the bed and spread his legs he could see how his boyfriend’s brain short circuited as he stared at his erected dick and everything he was offering right now. 

His hands darted out and Jiyong dug his fingers into the comforter as Seunghyun touched the inside of his naked thighs and let them wander over the soft skin, over his stomach and down to his dick — slowly jerking him off as he continued to stare. 

“How do you want to do this?” Jiyong smiled as he heard the light tremble in Seunghyun’s voice. It was cute to see that Seunghyun was nervous as well. 

“Have you ever slept with another man before?”

Seunghyun shook his head. “No.”

“Then maybe I should bottom the first time around, to show you how everything is done and if you ever feel comfortable enough we can switch?” He slowly sat up and caressed Seunghyun’s body again — his hands sliding up between his legs until he cupped his balls and he massaged the tip of his dick with his fingers, making him jerk his hips. His blush was now reaching his ears and god, Jiyong just wanted to eat him up. 

“To be honest, I am comfortable with you no matter what. You can top, or bottom — I don’t really care — I just need you.” 

Jiyong stopped his movements and looked up — how did he get this lucky? He gave Seunghyun a quick but lingering kiss, before he let go of his dick and crawled up the mattress to grab the condoms and lube from the nightstand. “—then I will show you how everything is done properly this time around and we can do it the other way around next time. I want you to know how everything is done properly and maybe show you a trick or two. Okay?” 

Finally, Seunghyun relaxed and he even chuckled. “Yeah, okay.” 

Jiyong dropped the condoms and lube onto the bed and pulled Seunghyun between his spread legs again until he was kneeling comfortably — he made sure to spread his legs far enough so Seunghyun would have enough room to work with. “Come here.” his voice was soft and mellow as he pulled Seunghyun closer and put some lube on his fingers and spread them evenly. “You start with one finger — and work yourself up. Don’t be shy — I know it’s a bit weird doing this the first time, but I promise it will be good.” 

Seunghyun nodded; his free hand lay flat over Jiyong’s stomach, drawing small circles into his hot skin with his thumb as he slowly circled his rim with his index finger and pushed inside. Jiyong on the other hand, simply leaned back and enjoyed being touched like that — Seunghyun was so tender and careful with him in a way no one had ever been; then again Seunghyun was his first in a lot of things. — The finger pushed inside of him and out again, testing out how well he could use one digit, before he pushed in the second. Over time, Seunghyun added more lube to make the movements easier, to make his fingers slide better inside of him and Jiyong felt how goosebumps spread across his skin and how Seunghyun fingering him like this was affecting him. 

“Curl your fingers upwards—” he was already breathless “—there should be small little nob. Press against it when you find it.” His thighs were already trembling from holding them open like that so he reached under his own knees and pulled them up. That way, he was opened up even more and he could relax his thighs a little bit. Meanwhile, Seunghyun did as he was told and probed around — curling his fingers carefully again and again, trying different angles and with Jiyong’s soft voice encouraging him he finally found the spot he was looking for — making Jiyong keen out in pleasure and his toes curl. 

Seunghyun was always a little shit about a lot of things, annoying everyone and playing pranks — he should have known that having sex with him would be like that too; him being a little shit and tormenting Jiyong in the best way possible like he did now. As soon as he located his prostate he massaged it again and again — the hand on Jiyong’s stomach pressing him down into the mattress and stopping him from squirming too much. Jiyong breathed heavily, drawing in gulps of air through his nose as he tried to pull himself up from the bed to get away from Seunghyun and his fingers, but the older man didn’t let him go just like that. “—no, Seunghyun stop or I’ll come!”

“Isn’t that the point?” He sounded so smug and full of himself, Jiyong wanted to smother him with a pillow. He knew he had just created a sex driven monster and he wasn’t regretting it one bit. Instead of answering he yanked Seunghyun down, smashing their lips together while Seunghyun continued to finger him — adding another finger. Lips against lips, tongues against tongues — it was hard to kiss his boyfriend properly, because the pleasure inside of him was building and he could only hold back so much. He wrapped his arms around Seunghyun’s back, ranking his nails down as he tried to hold on to  _ something  _ — he even bit into his boyfriend’s lower lip as he desperately tried to hold back and Seunghyun suddenly jerked and moaned into his mouth without holding back. Instead, he finally pulled his fingers out and reached for the condom — ripping it open with his teeth and quickly rolled it down over his aching dick and the nervousness was back. This was it — they were about to have sex. Jiyong looked at Seunghyun and Seunghyun looked back — and suddenly they were both cackling like maniacs. Jiyong let his hands wander across Seunghyun’s chest, feeling how hard his heart was pounding and he guided Seunghyun’s own hand over his own beating heart. 

“We are both nervous, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but that only means we really like each other.”

Seunghyun smiled at him fondly, leaning forward until their noses touched. “True, I really like you.” He kissed his nose. “—and now I am going to show you how much I love you.” 

Jiyong giggled again, but those quickly died down as soon as Seunghyun nudged with the head of his dick against his rim and slowly started to push inside — now he held his breath until Seunghyun was all the way inside of him and bottomed out. The breath that had been stuck inside his throat rushed out and he was smiling again; they were really doing this — he opened his eyes again and saw how Seunghyun was looking at him, waiting for him to adjust. Jiyong gave him a small nod, still smiling and then Seunghyun finally started to move. 

At first, he was cautious — thrusting inside and pulling out again slowly until he was completely sure that Jiyong was in no pain and then he started to slowly build up a rhythm that was more to Jiyong’s taste. Their bodies were already covered in sweat and Jiyong dug his nails in Seunghyun’s back as he started to move his hips, too — working them in tune of Seunghyun’s thrusts. The difference was subtle, but amazing — Jiyong could hear how the bed was moving with them, how their skin slapped against each other when their thrust started to grow more rapid and how Seunghyun started to pant and groan out every now and then and with the new angle they had found Seunghyun hit all the good places inside of him. 

His legs were useless by now, falling to the sides as he couldn’t hold them up anymore and Seunghyun moved quickly to put them over his shoulders. The new position made it easier for him to move into Jiyong, even deeper and  _ now  _ Jiyong could really feel how his eyes were rolling back into his skull — Seunghyun felt so fucking good he couldn’t keep quiet. With every thrust he moaned out, pushing his hips frantically against Seunghyun’s and meeting him halfway as best as he could, but then Seunghyun suddenly leaned down. His knees were now pressing against his own chest, practically folding him in half and bullying his lips against Jiyong’s. 

He immediately reached up into Seunghyun’s sweat slicked hair, anchoring himself as their tongues moved together, sucking on their lips as Seunghyun picked up his pace. Their faces were only a few millimeters apart and Jiyong couldn't help but stare — Seunghyun looked so beautiful right now he couldn't tear his eyes away and neither did Seunghyun. It was the first time that he looked at someone this directly during sex — no, this was more than just sex. He was sure that what they were doing right now was  _ making love  _ — he suddenly felt how his toes curled and his knees shook against Seunghyun’s side and then orgasm hit him suddenly. Quick, intense waves rolled through him from deep inside and he moaned out loudly, but no sound escaped him for a moment — the air trapped in his throat and only as the first fave hit him he found his voice again and moaned loudly. Over and over until the orgasm was over and Seunghyun fucked into him a few more times. 

Jiyong’s whole body was trembling now, his legs feeling numb and his hips twitching from how overly sensitive he felt now; he almost wanted to tell Seunghyun to stop, but he also wanted Seunghyun to come inside so he squeezed his muscles around his shaft, moaning his name and then Seunghyun finally crumbled. He threw his head back as he fucked into Jiyong a few more times, his eyebrows drawn together and biting his lower lip as high pitched moans slipped past them and Jiyong fell in love all over again. — They collapsed back into bed, simply enjoying the afterglow of their love making. Seunghyun slowly pulled out, tied the condom up and threw it in the general direction of the trash and immediately curled up against Jiyong again. Their skin was still warm and damp with sweat, but Jiyong loved it — he even loved how cum was sticking to his stomach and how Seunghyun didn’t care about getting dirty like that and just pressed in closer instead and wrapped his arms around him. 

Seunghyun kissed his forehead.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” 

* * *

Jiyong woke up the next morning — his muscles deliciously sore as well as the rest of his body. Warm covers were still wrapped around him and he cuddled himself a little bit deeper into the pillows a warm body still next to him. It took him a few moments until he felt brave enough to finally open his eyes — the morning light always felt harsh when you stayed up for as long as they usually did — and his eyes fell on his boyfriend, who was already awake. Seunghyun was propped up on his elbows a pencil in his hand as he scribbled onto a small notebook, chewing on the back of the pencil every now and then.

A wave of affection hit him and he rolled closer, cuddling up against the side of Seunghyun’s arm and kissing his biceps. “Good morning, baby.” Seunghyun finally looked at him, a shy smile tugging at his lips as he leaned down and kissed him — their lips lingered for a moment, enjoying the quiet moment between them.

“Good morning to you, too. Slept well?”

“With you here next to me, obviously.” 

Seunghyun chuckled, rubbing his face against the side of Jiyong’s and his neck — inhaling his scent deeply and Jiyong simply relished in it. The butterflies back in his stomach. 

His eyes slowly opened and fell onto the notebook again. 

“What are you writing on?” 

“Oh, just — some lyrics, you wouldn't like them probably —!” 

Seunghyun tried to quickly push the notebook off the bed, away from Jiyong’s greedy finger, but Jiyong was faster and ripped it towards his chest, rolling away from Seunghyun as far as he could and flipped it open to the page Seunghyun had been doodling on and read the lyrics. They were so sweet and touching and Jiyong suddenly got aware how much he had wanted Seunghyun to write a song about him — to be the  _ muse _ of him. He had never felt anything like it — to be Seunghyun’s source of inspiration was unmatched to anything he ever felt before.

He really didn’t know what to say anymore — how was one person alone so cute? Jiyong dropped the notebook and looked over to his boyfriend, who was currently hiding under the blankets and Jiyong giggled. He crawled forward again and slowly pulled back the blanket, revealing his boyfriend’s face, which was buried in his hands but even now Jiyong could tell how madly Seunghyun was blushing. The tips of his ears were red.

“Hyung—”

“No.”

“Seunghyun — come on, look at me.”

“No!” 

“Please?” He scooted closer, his voice low and sweet as honey and he could see how Seunghyun gave up and slowly lowered his hands and Jiyong immediately kissed him full on the lips. “I love it — thank you so much.”

Seunghyun finally smiled again, laughing bashfully as Jiyong kissed him again. 

* * *

* * *

Things hadn’t been okay for a while — between them, with him; he didn’t know anymore, but things were getting hard. During the last three years they had skyrocketed from normal idols to some sort of A level celebrities and as amazing as that sounded, there were so many downsides no one ever told you about. He had been involved in scandals, had met so many fake people and had lost himself in the life of rich and famous. More than once had Seunghyun chided him for his behaviour, for acting like a brat, for acting like an asshole, and so had Jiyong. He was not the only one who had changed over the years, but Seunghyun had too, and sometimes he didn’t know if he liked the change. 

His boyfriend got distant and started to pull away from so many people; him included, and Jiyong didn’t know how to reel him back in. It got especially bad when he first started to notice that music slowly became something Seunghyun cared less and less about, and instead art and acting took more and more time up. Or how his mood swings got especially bad during and after Seunghyun shooting ‘Commitment’ — that damn movie had already caused so many problem between them. Not only had Seunghyun insane schedules, he pulled away more than usually. Saying something about  _ getting in the right headspace  _ for the movie, or some shit like that — Seunghyun didn’t seem to care about how it was hurting Jiyong. How much it killed him that Seunghyun was pushing him away like that. 

So he started to go out more and more — to find the attention he was desperately craving from other people. Strangers. He got drunk a lot and partied with foreign  _ friends  _ around the globe. Most of the time he woke up disoriented and didn’t recall anything that had happened the night before, but that was how he functioned these days. He had always thrived off attention and ever since Seunghyun didn’t give him what he needed anymore, he had turned to other people — to alcohol and other things that could make him happy if only for a moment. Besides, there was something intoxicating about stepping into a room and all eyes were on you, because you were  _ G Dragon _ . 

Today was one of those days again where he woke up and his head was pounding — at least he had managed it home in one piece and didn’t end up falling asleep at someone’s couch or bathroom or whatever. He slowly opened his eyes; he was at Seunghyun’s place. 

Jiyong had no memory of how he had ended up at his boyfriend’s place, but he didn’t dare to complain. If he was here that meant that Seunghyun was here, too and that he had let him  _ inside _ . Something that hadn’t happen in a while, because for one; Seunghyun didn’t want to see anyone these days and two; he was barely at home anyways, but spent most of his days on set, or with his new found art and actor friends. It was unfair and ridiculous. 

There was movement in the house and suddenly, Seunghyun emerged into the living room; a slight sour look on his face as he passed Jiyong and not really paying attention to him. 

Shit, that stung.

“Hyung, I—!” he tried to get his boyfriend’s attention and much to his surprise he actually got it, but not in the way he had hoped it would be. Seunghyun whirled around, his scowl now more than obvious as he glared down on Jiyong on the couch.

“See who's finally awake. Had a fun night out? Fucked someone else again?”

Jiyong was hungover as fuck, emotionally drained and touch starved in a way only Seunghyun could make him feel full again — he didn’t want to fight, especially not about something like  _ this _ . His mouth went dry; did Seunghyun really think he would cheat on him?

“Seunghyun, what—” 

“You know what, I don’t even care. Is that what you want to do? Fuck someone else every night and get piss drunk? If you really want that, be my fucking guest, but just so you know if that is really what you want then I am  _ gone _ .”

“Okay, what the fuck — are  _ you serious _ ? Do you really think I would cheat on you? Are you insane? You are the one who is never around, always too busy with your fucking acting friends and ignoring  _ me _ ! Who knows what the fuck you are up to all this time, maybe you are the one who is cheating! — Bet you are having fun with some of your  _ co-stars _ !” He hadn’t wanted to fight with Seunghyun, he really had not wanted to fight. All he really wanted to do was to go up to his boyfriend, hug and kiss him and make up with him — but here they were. 

Seunghyun grit his teeth, his body language suddenly turning ice cold. 

“Enough. Get your drunk ass off my couch. I’m gonna go take a shower now and when I am back, I want you out of my fucking house.” The door slammed shut behind Seunghyun so fast Jiyong couldn't even process what just had happened — but then Seunghyun was gone and Jiyong sat there in silence, looking like a picture of misery. 

This right there was the reason why he hated to be sober by now — he couldn’t do anything right when he was sober. He only fucked things up more and more and he knew they were so close to breaking that not being sober was the only way he could cope with things. 

He hated to be sober so much at this point.

He didn’t have the energy to talk things out right now, he just wanted to sleep and maybe get drunk again — he hated to be sober by now, it only made things worse these days. Jiyong sighed deeply as he gathered all of his things and picked himself up from the couch and fled the scene. His heart tugged painfully as he staggered out of Seunghyun’s house. How could this happen, he just wanted to have his boyfriend by his side, he wanted to hide away from the big scary world and bury his head in his boyfriend’s neck, but he had made everything worse — again. 

Seems like he was going to sleep alone in his bed once more. 

“I can’t fall asleep without you.” were the last thoughts that crossed his mind that night.

* * *

* * *

Jiyong had never been in so much pain before — not when he broke his leg as a kid, not when Hyunsuk called him the root of all evil, not even all the times knetz sent him death threads or when his great-grandmother died. It sounded ridiculous in a way, but he had never felt such emotional pain before. It was tugging at his chest, a heavy burden that just wouldn’t move, but pressed down on him and stopped him from moving altogether. Days had passed since  _ that day,  _ since they had broken up. Something Jiyong had feared for months to happen now, but had hoped would never actually happen — yet here they were. No, here he was. — Alone in his apartment, crying his heart out.

He couldn't remember the last time he had properly eaten something, couldn’t think of anything that was important — everything was clouded and overshadowed by the events that happened a few days prior. — Another fight; he had wanted to apologize for how he had acted the last time they had seen each other, how he had just showed up drunk and all that, but then Jiyong had just exploded right into Seunghyun’s face; it had been the same old things they had been fighting about for months. Jiyong being too needy, Seunghyun being to distant, the different schedules, insecurities that ate away at them, jealousy that tore at them, them accusing the other of cheating. Something Jiyong would never do, ever. He was loyal to the bone and would rather rip out his vocal cords and never be able to sing again than to break Seunghyun’s trust like that — but he had lost Seunghyun’s trust. 

He had lost his trust and everything else. Seunghyun was his whole world, the reason behind everything — his muse, the love of his life, his better half, his soulmate. And now, he had lost him forever. 

Jiyong hadn’t slept properly ever since the fight and his eyes burned. They were bloodshot and swollen and he could barely keep them open, but he couldn't sleep either. Instead, hot tears streamed down his cheeks and he stared down at the crumbled sheet of paper he was clinging to. He was writing — it was the only thing he could do right now. It felt like a cruel joke — he had been in the exact same situation before years and years ago. Back when he first started to write the lyrics for Heartbreaker, when Seunghyun first started to date  _ whatshername  _ again? Back then he had thought that that would be the worst pain he could ever feel in his life, but he had been wrong. So incredibly wrong — nothing compared to  _ this. _

Everything hurt — he just wanted to see Seunghyun. He wanted to see him one last time; he needed to see him one last time where they pretended that everything was alright, that they were fine that everything was going to be okay again. He just needed one last moment — he would do anything to have that. He would give away every single possession he had if that meant to have five minutes with Seunghyun when things had been okay.

His fingers felt numb as another wave of anxiety hit him — he was focusing too much on the paper in front of him, he knew, but he couldn't stop. Didn’t stop as his head started to spin, didn’t stop as he felt the anxiety attack starting, he just wrote down what he felt. What he needed. How much he loved Seunghyun, and how much he needed him. 

The only reason why he was not going insane right now, was the tiny piece of hope that he was clinging on to. That he and Seunghyun would work things out, that he and Seunghyun would be okay again and that they would get their happy ending. It was so incredibly hard to believe, but he  _ needed  _ to believe into this fantasy, otherwise he didn’t know how he would make it through the weeks that would follow. 

He really didn’t.

Jiyong pressed his eyes together as hard as he could — he wanted to sleep. Maybe he would dream of Seunghyun and of a better time. Of simply times, when things had been fine between them so he could forget about the cruel reality that was happening around him right now. He had fucked up so much over the past few months — had pushed too hard, had nagged to much, bitched too much, had tried to get some sort of reaction out of Seunghyun by entertaining some of the men that tried to flirt with them and that had broken their necks. Not a single one of those men had been a threat to Seunghyun — none of them. He had only wanted to get a reaction out of Seunghyun for once — and he had, but it had made everything so much worse.

At this point he was sure that dying was the easier thing to do than to be able to get Seunghyun to forgive him for what he had done.

He cried himself to sleep again that night, missing his better half more than anything else in the world. 

* * *

* * *

The rain was falling outside, the weather had been shit for days now — the sky grey and the atmosphere loomy, much like Jiyong’s mood during the past few days. He didn’t even really know how much time had passed, he was just glad that he didn’t really have any pressing matters to take care of during these days. He hadn’t left the bed in days — only cried into his pillows, watched shitty tv shows and ordered take out for days and days on. Dami had forced him to take a shower and air out the room every now and then, but that only helped so much. 

He knew that he should not let himself go like that, but he didn’t know how to function, if he was being completely honest. Seunghyun had always been his in a way, even when they had been only friends in Middle School there had always been a  _ connection  _ between them, but now? It was the first time in, what, more than ten years? Since he had first become friends with Seunghyun, that this bond was broken. That the connection had been served. It felt like someone had ripped out a piece of him, a part of him was missing. Like someone chopped off his left arm and ripped out his heart. Just a thousand times worse than that.

Jiyong couldn’t help but wonder about all the  _ ifs _ and the  _ maybes _ . 

He had no idea how Seunghyun was feeling; was he suffering, too like he was? Or was he actually happy that they had broken up? Just the thought of that made him cry. What if Seunghyun was happy that he finally was single again? No annoying Jiyong nagging him, no stupid Jiyong who didn’t appreciate his art enough or his acting, no childish and jealous Jiyong anymore who made his life living hell.

Iye was cuddling up against him a lot, even licking away his tears whenever he got hit by a sudden wave of utter desperation. Jiyong had never cried this hard and much before. It was ridiculous. Every little thing reminded him of Seunghyun — every little fucking detail. All the paintings in his room, obviously. They had all belonged to Seunghyun before, so obviously they would remind him of him, but it was more than that. Every damn painting came with a memory, too. Everytime when they had visited an art gallery, Seunghyun would ask Jiyong which ones he liked best — keeping it lowkey, though. Not being too obvious about it, but Jiyong known right away that Seunghyun would end up buying it for him. 

He was always incredibly sweet about it — sometimes he would randomly ask Jiyong to come over on a specific day (not that they didn’t already more or less live at Seunghyun’s place, but whenever Seunghyun had a present for him or dinner prepared, he would explicitly ask Jiyong to come over) and there would always be a bottle of wine waiting for him and a painting. Or a coat. Or shoes — whatever he had ogled. Seunghyun would get it for him. He was attentive like that.

But now all these sweet memories felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart with a rusty knife, twisting and turning until there was nothing left but an aching hole inside his chest. He didn’t even want to think about the ‘ _ what ifs _ ’. What if Seunghyun was not feeling bad about their breakup like he was? What if Seunghyun was actually happy that they broke up? What if Seunghyun would move on and find someone else? 

Jiyong had always known that Seunghyun was the only one who he could really love like this. The only man, person, fucking alien, who had this much power over him. Who could make him submit like he always did, who could make him cave in the blink of an eye — he was a sucker for him and it had only gotten worse over the years they had been dating.

A selfish part of him hoped that Seunghyun was suffering, too. That he was having a hard time, too. That Jiyong was not alone in this. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if Seunghyun would just be able to move on like that — it would disturb him completely. 

People always said that you should simply concentrate on something else after a breakup — on yourself for example, because you tended to forget about yourself in relationships, but with Seunghyun that had never been the case. Quite the contrary actually — Seunghyun had  _ always  _ encouraged him to push his own interests, to try out different things; he had always been waiting for him at the sidelines, cheering for him. So what should he do now that this support was gone — maybe forever? What if they could never go back to  _ just  _ being friends? Because Jiyong couldn’t ever see Seunghyun just as a friend. Never. Seunghyun was his world and if they were broken up right now, so was his little world. 

If someone else would dare to get too close to Seunghyun now, that would mean war. He would never be able to accept Seunghyun dating someone else — no man or woman could be good enough for him. 

Jiyong knew that he was far from perfect, but he would fight tooth and nail before someone else dared to touch him. So he hoped that Seunghyun was in pain, too, because that would mean that he still loved him and that meant that he still had a chance to win him back. 

* * *

* * *

He was running — how could he not in a situation like this? He needed to see him,  _ now _ . Jiyong had been out with friends, hanging out with them after hiding away in his own house for weeks and weeks ever since they had broken up. Chaerin and Seungho had finally managed to drag him out of his apartment and into his studio — it felt good to be back, back in the studio, to be creative in a way he hadn’t been in a long time and to actually talk to people, besides his parents and sister that was. 

It felt good to have them around; Chaerin talked about all the things she had been up to these days — the shows she had been invited to, the photoshootings, what the other girls where up to; everything and Seungho joined right in. They actually managed to make him smile every now and then, something he hadn’t done in a very long time. 

They had been dorking around in the studio, when Jiyong had found it. It was a notebook, doodles scribbled on it, dog-eared and everything and Jiyong would have recognized it everywhere — it was one of Seunghyun’s. 

He knew he really shouldn’t, but his body reacted faster than his brain worked and he flipped through it and he felt how his heart sank the more he read. The pages were filled with lyrics; some of he had known about, but most were new ones. They had to be, because Seunghyun had always shown him when he had come up with something new. Well, that was  _ before  _ they had started to fight, before Seunghyun had pulled away and before everything had turned to shit. It had been a few months now since it all had started and for the first time ever since then, Jiyong felt like finally seeing a little glimpse of what was going on in his mind. — it was probably cheating, but Jiyong just needed to know what was going on with Seunghyun these days, he needed answers, he needed to know how he could possibly reach him and how things could get better, so maybe reading what he had been writing would help him. 

Jiyong’s brain shut down. Did Seunghyun really think that about himself? Did her really think he was all of that? That he was a coward who was anything but strong and only pretended to be tough? That was was a loser, someone who was better off alone — someone who couldn’t even look at their face in the mirror because they were so ashamed of themselves? 

He read through some more of the lyrics, vaguely acknowledging that SooJoo and Seungho were talking to him, but not really. His mind was racing, he couldn't think straight — his mind was overflowing with worry and panic. He needed to see Seunghyun,  _ now.  _ It suddenly felt as if the walls were closing in and a second later he was already bolting out of the door — he moved on autopilot.

Chaerin was calling his name, but he didn’t listen. Instead, he ran to the elevators, pressing the buttons furiously — but he couldn't wait that long. His nerves were running high and he couldn't sit still — he felt how his legs were bouncing and how his body was practically beaming with nervous energy so he took the stairs. Taking two or three at a time until he finally reached the parking lot underground the label. He didn’t care that people were staring at him, he needed to get to Seunghyun as soon as possible. 

Eight minutes later and he was hammering against Seunghyun’s front door — shit, he should have called first, asking if he was home or something. He didn’t even know if Seunghyun was at home right now — he paced around, waiting to see if Seunghyun was home and would open the door, or if he wasn’t at home, or if he was at home and simply didn’t open the door. His hands were shaking, holding the crumbled notebook in them, and a cold sweat spread across his body — what if something had happened? What if Seunghyun had done someth— no. He didn’t even dare to think about something like that. Never. 

The door suddenly opened and pulled Jiyong out of his own head — Seunghyun was home and looked at him with a confused expression on his face. But all Jiyong was able to see in that moment was how tired Seunghyun looked, how his hair was a slight mess and how he was wearing one of his old hoodies; the one with the whole at the collar and the annoying stains at the side of the sleeve Jiyong never managed to get out. His eyes were red and he looked like hell — it was obvious that he was not doing well. 

Seunghyun’s expression softened. 

“Jiyong, what are you doing here?”

“Do you mean it?”

Now Seunghyun looked confused. “What?” — and then his eyes finally darted down from looking at Jiyong to the torn up notebook he was desperately holding on to and his shoulders slacked and that was all Jiyong needed to know. He pushed Seunghyun back until they were both inside his house, closed the door and pulled him into a hug; not saying anything, just holding him close and he could feel how Seunghyun’s breathing changed. How it suddenly picked up and then his shoulders started to shake and Jiyong could feel how a wet spot was forming on his shoulder — Seunghyun was crying. Seunghyun was actually crying and holding onto him and Jiyong crumbled. His face crumbled, his knees felt weak and the tears were flowing. 

He needed to make Seunghyun understand that he was nothing like that; he was not a loser, not a coward, not a jackass covered in scars. Jiyong slowly pulled away, but only to cradle Seunghyun’s face. It had been years by now, but Jiyong was well aware of all the insecurities Seunghyun had, but he had never thought that they would run  _ this  _ deep. Over the years he had tried to make Seunghyun understand just how amazing he was, but he had seemingly not done a very well job, if they resurved again and again and again. 

“Seunghyun—” his voice trembled, his own eyes growing misty “— please, look at me.”

His eyes were red and darted around; he needed a moment until he finally dared to look Jiyong in the eyes and he felt his heart contract painfully. Seunghyun looked downright  _ scared  _ right now. He looked like a little child that was just too tall for it’s age and not like a grown adult, who had millions of fans and was a world star. 

He pressed their foreheads together, never breaking eye contact. “You are  _ not _ a loser, okay?” — but Seunghyun shook his eyes, trying to say something, but the only thing he got out were hiccups. “No,  _ listen to me _ .” He gripped Seunghyun’s face just a tad harder, to make Seunghyun  _ really  _ look at him. “You are  _ not  _ a loser. You are amazing; don’t you know how many people look up to you and admire you for everything you have achieved in your life already? How much they love you? Do you have any idea how much  _ I _ look up to you?” His own voice was growing thick with emotions.

“But, how can you—” another hiccup “—how can you  _ still _ ...after— what I have done, to  _ you?  _ I am a piece of shi, all the fights we had, the problems I have caused —  _ everything.  _ I am good for nothing but to hurt people. _ ”  _ His voice shaking. “I fuck up everything I touch —”

Jiyong wiped away the tears spilling from Seunghyun’s face with his thumbs, trying to calm him down — shushing gently as he pulled Seunghyun closer by his neck. He shook his head. 

“No Seunghyun,  _ no _ . I know things have been shit between us, but you are not a  _ loser  _ or any of the things you have written in these lyrics. Just because we are too stupid to work on our problems, doesn’t mean that you are a bad person — shit. People fight, fuck, love, make up and fight again. It wouldn't be healthy if we didn’t fight and no matter what you do— I still .. I  _ love  _ you, okay? I have seen every single side of you,  _ every  _ side and even now I can say that I love you.” 

Seunghyun’s body suddenly got heavy and his knees buckled and Jiyong used all of his strength to keep them both up long enough for him to slowly guide them onto the ground — he could feel how Seunghyun’s whole body was rocking with every sob that ripped through him and the only thing Jiyong would do was cling onto him and hold him. He used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away the tears and snot; Seunghyun tried to hide his face behind his hands, but Jiyong wouldn't have any of that. If Seunghyun needed to cry his heart out — gut wrecking sobs, red face and completely lost, he still would be here to hold him. 

He didn’t know how long they sat there on the ground with Jiyong holding Seunghyun — his face pressed against his chest and Jiyong combing through his hair. Seunghyun was mumbing into his chest, saying ‘ _ I am sorry _ ’ all over again and Jiyong just held him. 

* * *

* * *

It had been almost two months since the break up and a few weeks since he had found the  _ Loser  _ lyrics. Between the break up and the day Jiyong practically bullied his way into Seunghyun’s house had been another few weeks and — there hadn’t been much of a progress since then. It wasn’t Seunghyun’s faul actually — quiet to contrary actually. It was as if something had switched inside of Seunghyun. Where there had been distance before, melancholy, there was openness and support. It had started slowly and at first Jiyong had brushed it off as Seunghyun just having a good day or something, but as the days passed and slowly crept into weeks, he started to see the change in the other man. 

It was small stuff mostly; how he would start with teasing and annoying Taehyun whenever she tried to get them all ready for a photoshooting for example; or the way he would whine loudly when someone had taken his favourite sweets out of the gift basket they had received or how he would start with his silly dances in the middle of a hectic schedule. 

Jiyong hadn’t realized how much he had missed seeing Seunghyun happy and laughing like that until the very moment it hit him with full force. It felt like a punch in the gut, that left a painful imprint of a fist on his stomach and only hurt more the more time passed, it felt as if said fist had an iron grip around his heart and squeezed tightly, making it hard to breathe. Because if Seunghyun was happy  _ now  _ it meant that he would be sad and distant again later. It meant that he would pull away again and hurt Jiyong again if he let him too close and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it through another break-up like that.

Jiyong had never thought he would be in this kind of situation, but the thought of being with Seunghyun scared him shitlessly. Part of why he had always loved to truly be with his boyfriend was that no matter what he knew that he could always trust Seunghyun with his heart, that even if the fought, they would eventually come back to each other to mend the broken pieces again and to move on from the pain they had caused each other. That they would never overstep certain lines and that they would always respect each other.

But then all of those things  _ had _ happened. It was not only Seunghyun, but Jiyong, too. He had said so many cruel things to him, tried to make him stay that way, or to push away — Jiyong wasn’t sure anymore. He had said things to purposely hurt Seunghyun and so had Seunghyun and that was far from what a mature relationship should be like. Obviously, a relationship was a lot of work, and Jiyong had always prided himself in thinking that he and Seunghyun had one of those relationships, where they actually talked to each other and talked openly about their problems and what was bothering them; something that had always been there between them and had bloomed since they were kids. Being friends before entering this relationship really had it’s perks — but during the past few months, things had went downhill and as much as Jiyong wanted to cling onto the believe that he and Seunghyun could just go back to how things had been  _ before _ , he wasn’t sure if he could just move on from the hurt just like that. 

So he kept his distance — for a while that was, because this was still  _ Seunghyun _ and god, he was a sucker for that man. He had been in love with him for years now and even after they had broken up, he  _ still  _ loved that man with all of his heart. Just, that he wasn’t sure if he could trust him with it again that easily — so he did try to keep his distance. He couldn’t just play with the flame again when he had nearly been burned alive just a few months ago. 

But Seunghyun was making it so incredibly hard to keep distance to him; it might have only been something small to someone else, but Jiyong had been seconds away from bursting into tears when one day Seunghyun had just walked up to him with a self made flower crown out of daisies. He hadn’t even made a big thing out of it — Seunghyun had simply said ‘ _ this is for you’ _ and planted it on his head carefully, patting it two, three times, brushing away a stray strand of hair and smiled at him. One of the smiles Jiyong knew was for him and  _ only  _ for him — it was a special look he had seen so many times over the years, but never grew tired of. And then Seunghyun had playfully booped his nose and skipped away to annoy Daesung again backstage. Jiyong had probably stood there starstruck for at least five minutes straight, slightly touching the flower crown on his head and trying to fight off tears.

Those finally started to roll down his cheeks when Taehyun walked up to him with a smile, nudged him with her elbow and told him how she had watched Seunghyun run around the small field a few blocks away from their hotel near the river, picking daisies all morning to make sure he had enough.

He kept it safe, hidden in his bag under his jacket until after the show — until he was in the safety of his own hotel room. Only then he dared to take it out again; with nimble fingers he carefully touched the flowers and petals, before he put it on his head again. He walked over to the vanity that was right across from his king sized bed and simply took a look — touching and nudging the flower crown again and again until it sat perfectly on his head and he quickly took out his phone, snapping a few pictures. 

He had already opened his chat with Seunghyun on Telegram and was about to hit sent, when his finger hovered over the button — should he really be sending Seunghyun that picture? It was obvious what Seunghyun’s intention had been, but now he felt anxiety gnawing at the back of his head again, telling him it was too soon to let Seunghyun in like that. He huffed and let himself fall back into his bed — why was love so hard sometimes?

He closed Telegram and opened the notes on his phone, typing out some lines that were flying around in his head.

That he was scared — because that’s what he was. He was scared of falling in love again after getting burned out like that. He was scared of letting Seunghyun close again, so maybe not letting him close for a while would be the best solution to all of this? He scribbled down some lyrics, only to cross them out again and rewrite the whole thing.

— I  love  like you.

He couldn’t fight against the images in his head — all the happy memories of them laughing together throughout the years. Of Seunghyun being happy, looking at him with  _ that look _ that told Jiyong that he was the only one for him, that made his heart flutter and have him thousands and thousands of butterflies every time — but then he would remember the hard edges of that beautiful face and how it looked like when it was looking at him with disgust and how much it would hurt when the smiling face had turned into a constant frown.

Jiyong got yanked out of his thoughts when he heard someone know on his door and he sighed — he really hoped it was not his manager, because if it was then it meant at least a thousand things he would still have to take care of or think of and the only thing Jiyong wanted to do right now was take a really long and hot bubble bath, jerk off to release some tension (while totally  _ not _ thinking about Seunghyun) and fall into bed and sleep for at least ten hours, because that’s what he deserved. 

He got up from his bed, cheeks puffing out as he exhaled soundly and moved over to the door — without thinking twice he opened it and was greeted by none other than Seunghyun who was smiling shyly at him and Jiyong forgot how to breath for a moment. 

“I got you this — well, actually I made my manager pick it up for me, because you know I can’t really run around Japan without people noticing me so he went, but I hope it will still make you feel better.” he handed him a plastic bag filled with various things — rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly and Jiyong could swear he saw the faintest of a blush on his cheeks. “I hope it helps a little bit with the pain and all that — ah, anyways — cute flower crown, good night!”

—and just as quickly as he had appeared he disappeared again; leaving behind a confused, madly blushing Jiyong. He had totally forgotten about him still wearing that damn crown and now Seunghyun had  _ seen  _ him wear it again and that would mean he totally knew that his moves were absolutely working on Jiyong and— 

He was thinking too much again. 

* * *

* * *

It’s how and there are too many people in the club — he can feel the low bass from the speakers inside his bones and the alcohol has been flowing for hours and hours now. He should know better than this, he really should, but he is drunk and finally happy — he hasn’t been truly happy in a very long time. Not since he and Seunghyun broke up, but tonight — just for a moment, he really is. The air is humid and clings to his overheated skin; he can feel how sweat is forming on his temples and how there are a few droplets that roll down at the back of his neck, down his own back. He is only wearing a loose tank top, but the leather pants hugging his thighs so tightly are heating up his whole body — damn him for being a fashionista and all that crap; then again Jiyong had wanted to look good. Really good — more than just good, actually. He wanted to look drop dead gorgeous tonight.

They are in Nagoya tonight — the atmosphere was good between all of them and for once they decided to go out together. Normally, Daesung was the one who always stayed behind and rarely went out for drinks with them and Jiyong understood; it wasn’t his scene and he knew better than to push his friend. Youngbae only rarely came with too and Seungri often had a thousand other plans already — and Seunghyun? 

Well, a lifetime ago they went out every chance they had. Getting piss drunk and having fun on the dance floor, or the vips section — you name it. They had more than once made out backstage, under tables, in the vip section or how their first kiss had happened; heavily making out in the staircase. — But nowadays things were different. Seunghyun had stopped going to the clubs a few years ago and it had always made Jiyong sulk and pout. He had enjoyed those times so much, so why was Seunghyun pulling away like that? 

He had almost not asked the other man if he wanted to come along, but when the other three members all agreed to come with him, it felt wrong not to ask Seunghyun, too and to his surprise he really did say  _ yes _ to coming out with them.

So here they were — getting piss drunk once more in some club of which the name they have already forgotten, throwing back shots and wine and smoking too many cigarettes. It was always fun to see what happened when Youngbae and Daesung actually came along and decided to drink, because as much as those two usually prided themselves in being good behaving church boys, the reality of them getting drunk was much different. — Youngbae had already lost his shirt and was hyping up the crowd; it was similar to how he was on stage, just more embarrassing — and Daesung? This guy was a madman let loose. He was introverted and quiet most of the time, with a very dry sense of humor and Jiyong loved that — but when he was drunk he was almost the complete opposite. He was loud and outgoing, laughing like a maniac and getting them more and more drinks. At one point of the night, Jiyong could hear him scream  _ motherfucker _ across the dance floor seconds before the beat dropped and he wasn’t sure if he should laugh and be proud, or hide under the table in embarrassment of being the leader of these mad people. He choose the first one, but only because he was pretty drunk as well. 

He was standing at the side of the bar sipping on his god knows how maniest glass of wine; watching as the members all had fun on the dance floor — he could see the back of Seungri’s head, could hear Daesung’s screams and could see how Youngbae was seconds away from breakdancing on the dancefloor. The only one who he couldn’t see was Seunghyun; he had seen him a few minutes ago, laughing with Youngbae, but there was no trace of him now. Where did he go? 

Jiyong staggered out of the room.

His mind was too fogged up with alcohol to tell him to stop thinking about Seunghyun and to stop worrying about him like that — they were not dating. They were  _ not _ . For some reason it felt a lot like how things had been in Middle School and later on in High School, or even predebut times. They were not dating, but Jiyong still felt like he belonged to the other man, and the way Seunghyun had been flirting with him and wooing him during the past few weeks, months even, he felt as if the other man also still belonged to him. It was like an unspoken rule between them these days; Jiyong was still too scared and hurt to let him in like that, but Seunghyun was not stopping with trying to get close to him — and tonight he felt his resolves crumble more than usually. 

He was drunk and just wanted to be close to the other man and snuggle up to him and make out with him and kiss his stupid face. He needed that more than anything right now. 

The air outside was a pleasant difference to how hot it was inside — the wind was just low enough to be a cool breeze and Jiyong sighed as he just stood there for a moment and enjoyed the cool weather. His mind was still wrapped up around Seunghyun, when he noticed movement at the other side of the small back alley. Near the corner there were rusty metal stairs and someone was sitting there, smoking a cigarette, already watching him with hungry eyes — it was Seunghyun. 

Without thinking twice he walked up to him, like a fisherman getting reeled in from a sirene. He didn’t think twice about it and only stopped as he stood centimetres away from him and then Seunghyun stomped out his cigarette on the ground, stood up and pushed Jiyong back at his shoulders, until they stumbled into another, barely lit back alley. The stone wall felt cool and hard when his back hit it, but that wasn’t important right now; the only important thing right now were Seunghyun’s hot lips on his, his warm breath and big hands and how they impatiently roamed his body. 

It was like finally getting a cold glass of water after being close to dying of dehydration — Jiyong didn’t hold back for one second. Instead; he dived into the kiss, lunged out and hugged Seunghyun so close to his own body, wedging them together as tight as possible, while they kissed. A desperate whine escaped his lips — god, how much he had missed Seunghyun, how much he had missed his kisses and his comfort, his love and affection. He had been deprived of it for so long, too scared to let him close again, but tonight he let loose. He didn’t care about tomorrow, he just needed to have him now. To have him closes. To kiss him, to have Seunghyun kiss him back with equal desperation — they could talk some other time. Not now. Probably not tomorrow — whatever. He just needed this. Needed him.

His mind was hazy and he felt as if he was flying — Seunghyun’s touch always made him a little bit brain dead and weak in the knees and it hadn’t lost its intensity after all these months. Jiyong could feel how all of his blood was rushing south and how his skin prickled in excitement as Seunghyun pushed one thigh between his own and pushed  _ up _ . He groaned loudly — his moans getting swallowed by Seunghyun’s eager kisses; and then he was kissing and licking up and down his neck and Jiyong caved. He let his head fall back against the cold stonewall, his blood rushing so fast in his ears it was all he could hear. His heart beating fast and then there were fingers on the fly of his pants, tugging them open with ease and Seunghyun pulled him out. 

At the back of his mind he knew they should be careful — but fuck it. Literally  _ fuck it _ . He needed this, he needed the affection, he  _ needed  _ this man more than air in his lungs, more than music, more than anything. — and then Seunghyun let go of his neck and went down on his knees instead, taking him between his lips and sucking him into his mouth and all the worries stopped, the voices at the back of his head were no longer relevant. Only Seunghyun’s tongue curling around his dick, his lips sucking eagerly and his fingers massaging tender skin. He panted harshly — sucking in big gulps of air as he bit down on his lips and buried his fingers in Seunghyun’s messy hair. 

Shit — he had almost forgotten how good the other man was at this, how easy it was for him to rile him up like that, to make him curl his toes in pleasure, to become weak in the knees and to make his head spin like that. They had been doing this for years now and Seunghyun had always been a fast learner if he dedicated to something and much to his own pleasure, literally, making him feel good had been one of Seunghyun’s top priorities during the past few years, so it was no surprise when he came rather quickly, spilling down Seunghyun’s throat and whimpering when the other man continued to suck on his dick until he was completely spent and his knees buckled.

Seunghyun carefully tugged him back into his pants and got back to his feet — Jiyong was still panting heavily, but that didn’t stop him from what he did next. He grabbed Seunghyun by the sides of his face and kissed him, tasting himself on his tongue as he eagerly sucked it between his lips and pushed him back until he was the one pinned to the wall. He stood on his tip-toes to get more control over what he was doing, but Seunghyun went willing anyways. He let himself get pressed back and kissed and Jiyong could move him around as he pleased — his own hands were roaming over the broad chest, massaging his pecs and moving down to the hem of his shirt and fly of his pants. Jiyong needed to touch him, too. His movements got desperate and hectic and not even three seconds later he was holding Seunghyun’s hard cock in his own hand, pumping him with both hands and massaging his tip between his fingers, while he continued to kiss him. Seunghyun’s hands were clinging onto his own forearms, the whimpers muffled from their kisses, but still audible enough to spur him on even more — he bit and sucked on Seunghyun’s lower lip one last time, before he moved down to his neck. 

Seunghyun always had that one spot on his neck that just made him submit. No matter how wild or rough there were getting, as soon as Jiyong would get his mouth on him there, Seunghyun would cave and melt into the bed and nothing had changed about that either. He sucked and kissed the side of his neck and could feel how Seunghyun’s thighs started to shake and how he held onto his forearms more desperately now x it was like a power trip to be able to do this to Seunghyun and it made him want to do more, to please more. He bit down hard on the spot and the reaction was immediate; Seunghyun buried his face in the crook of Jiyong’s shoulder, muffling some of the moans and Jiyong had to use his upper body to stabilize them both, because Seunghyun’s knees buckled and then he came between them into Jiyong’s hand. 

He pumped him through it, milking him until the very last second and when he finally stopped and did up Seunghyun’s pants again, the other man pulled him into another kiss. — This one lingered; it was still desperate, but there was also a softness and gentleness that had not been there before and it made Jiyong’s heart skip a beat.

Maybe letting Seunghyun back in wasn’t that bad after all. 

Just maybe. 

* * *

* * *

After their last drunk encounter they both hadn’t really acknowledged it much. Seunghyun had dragged him into his hotel room that night, pulling him into the room by his hips with their lips attached and had fucked him nine way’s into next sunday that night. He had been fully prepared; lube, condoms, massage oil and even painkillers and a fresh bottle of water for the next morning. It had been incredibly hot and the desperation inside Jiyong had made him reach out for Seunghyun again and again. Riding him, fucking him, letting Seunghyun bend his own body over and manhandle him how he wanted him; whatever he desired, Jiyong was down for it. He just had needed the touch, to feel that there still was some sort of connection between them, that Seunghyun  _ still  _ wanted him and no one else and Seunghyun made sure to get that point across as he kissed every millimetre of his skin, drove him mad with his tongue and lips and coaxed yet another orgasm out of him. 

When Jiyong woke up the next morning, his body was covered in bruises; neck blemished, handprints on his hips and nail tracks racked down his back. There were love bites on the insides of his thigh and marks on his wrists where Seunghyun had tied him down with a necktie. His body had felt like one sore muscle — his thighs felt weak and his lower back was killing him and it probably sounded like Jiyong would hate what they had done, would regret it — but he did none of that. He knew that he was weak for Seunghyun, that he craved the other man and after their shared night it only got worse again. It was as if he had finally been clean, sobered up from a drug that he had been hooked on for years and years; and now he was back on it after another fix. 

He didn’t have the energy to get up and leave before Seunghyun woke up and he really didn’t want to. There was a small part of him that still nagged at him, saying that this was a shit idea and that they shouldn’t have just jumped into bed liked that, but he just relished in the moment of having Seunghyun wrapped around him like that. He loved how he held onto him, clinging to him and how he buried his face in his stomach. He wasn’t even bothered by the fact that Seunghyun was snoring or partly drooling on him — he was just grateful for having the other man close. 

So that was how they broke down that wall and fell right into their infatuated and honeymoon phase again — they weren’t back together, not officially at least, but there was something building between them once more and Jiyong felt how his heart felt like bursting into a million pieces in the best way possible whenever Seunghyun looked at him; his chest so full with love and affection that it was sometimes hard to breath when looking at him or standing next to him. It was a little bit overwhelming at times, but shit it felt good.

It sometimes hit him during the most random times — when they were getting their makeup done, when they were out getting dinner at some fancy restaurant and Seunghyun would crack a joke Youngbae was judging him for and Jiyong would giggle like an idiot, when they were in the car and Seunghyun was making him laugh again by playfully ruffling his hair — or whenever he would simply watch Seunghyun doing small things. Digging through the bag of sweets that was waiting for them backstage, when he would dig into the grilled banana one of their managers had gotten for Youngbae, but he would throw a tantrum because that was  _ not _ what he ordered and Seunghyun would be the first one to sacrifice himself to eat it with great enthusiasm, when the was on stage, simply watching the fans and Jiyong would catch himself staring at the older one, or during the games they played when on stage. 

It should have scared him how deep his feelings were running, but then again they didn’t. Not really — he had always known how deep they ran for Seunghyun, how much he was intertwined within him, so it wasn’t really a surprise that one small touch had ignited them again. That one look, one kiss, one caress had been enough to make him feel like flying again.

Right now was another one of those moments; they had been back from touring — a small break before Jiyong flew to Paris Fashion Week a few days later. They were sitting in Jiyong’s office in the corner where he had placed the giant Murakami pillows and plushies, simply spending some time together. Jiyong had been lazing around there all day long, frustrated to no end when he couldn't come up with lyrics and his frustration was skyrocketing with nothing really coming to his mind as he stared down at the paper he was holding, trying to come up with some lyrics, when Seunghyun suddenly knocked on his door. It was a surprise, but a pleasant one. Especially when Seunghyun marched in with a bag filled with greasy burgers and fries and just made himself a home in the office. If it was anyone else, Jiyong would have had no qualms at kicking them out, but it was Seunghyun and Seunghyun was always welcome.  _ Especially  _ because Seunghyun also brought his absolute favourite burgers, too. Extra spicy  _ and  _ he also brought along Pepero. It might not be Pepero Day, but Jiyong was enough of a sap to totally fall for this, because it was the gesture that counted and the gesture Seunghyun meant with this was that he wanted him something sweet to have, something that was meant for a  _ couple _ , while he brought him dinner to make sure he ate at least one meal a day  _ and  _ spent time with him before he had to leave for Paris for a couple of days. 

It maybe was stupid, but it made his flutter and he couldn’t help but to look at the other man out of the corner of his eyes every now and then — Seunghyun was looking good, healthy. When things had ended between them neither of them had looked good — Seunghyun hadn’t been able to sleep during that time, because insomnia had hit him hard, and Jiyong had been so stressed out by their problems that he had rarely been able to eat something, because his stomach had hurt. Therefore, Seunghyun had had heavy bags under his eyes and truly looked like a ghost, and Jiyong had been slowly started to look like a skeleton. 

But now they were both better. Healthy and somewhat happy again. Seunghyun seemed more relaxed again these days, which was definitely thanks to him not shooting a movie while promoting with BigBang at the same time. From the way he looked Jiyong concluded that he must also have finally regained a somewhat normal sleeping schedule — as normal as their sleeping schedule was that is. Seunghyun and he had always stayed up late; most of the time until three or four, and then sleeping until past noon. They both worked like that and they were most productive during the night. Be it writing songs, coming up with concepts or design ideas for their next comeback or music video, or sex. There was something extremely thrilling about fucking all night long and then passing out during the early morning hours and they had done that a lot and Jiyong wouldn't mind if they would do that again. Someday — not today though. Not just yet. 

He looked back over to Seunghyun, who was scribbling down lines over lines. Jiyong couldn’t see what exactly he was writing — for one Seunghyun did not have the most beautiful writing (aka chicken scratch) and for another he was doodling in his notebook again, with the front of the notebook held up so he really couldn't read the lyrics and that made Jiyong pout. He wanted to know what the other one was working on. He missed coming up with lyrics with the other man together. Missed rhyming stupid stuff at the most random times; more often than not Seunghyun had sometimes jumped out of the shower butt naked with soap everywhere seconds before they were about to have dirty shower sex, just to scribble down some lines. Jiyong would be pissed off if he wouldn’t understand the other man when it came to sudden ideas. When the muse striked, you had to go with the flow. Otherwise it would be gone forever. It sounded ridiculous, but that was how it worked so he always waited patiently until the other man was back, which could be ten seconds later, or a whole five minutes. But no matter how long it took him, Seunghyun always made up for it afterwards and Jiyong did, too. One time, he had been teasing Seunghyun all day long and when they finally made it back home his boyfriend had been so riled up that he just pushed him face first into the closest flat surface and fucked him really good — his post orgasm thoughts more often than not made it into lyrics for BigBang and Seunghyun had always laughed about that. 

So yeah, he really missed their composing. He would even go so far to say that he would love to make another album with the other man, but he knew sadly all too well that no matter how amazing the songs would be they would create, their boss wouldn’t like it. Back when they had first gotten to okay for their album, they had only been friends, but that had changed soon after and while they had tried to keep it a secret for a long time, it had eventually reached Hyungsuk and damn, Jiyong had never seen that man that pissed off. 

He didn’t directly hate the fact that Jiyong was with a man, but the thing that bucked Hyungsuk was that it was Seunghyun of all people. That it would be too risky to have them in the same group, that people would be able to see what was going on between them and that they would get caught and  _ then  _ that would be the end of their career, of BigBang.

So far, he was wrong. While there had been a few occasions where they had to come up with damage control and whatnot to make sure the media would not leak anything, it had all turned out well in the end. The damage control, aka Jiyong’s fake girlfriends, had even been welcomed publicity and therefore Hyungsuk never denied any of those rumors; something about ‘ _ letting the people talk’ _ was the best free promotion someone could ask for — as long as it was nothing serious, and outing the  _ King of KPop _ as gay  _ was  _ something serious. 

Which meant no GD&T.O.P Volume 2.

At least they could still write songs together — they might not be  _ their  _ songs like the others had been, but they still belonged to BigBang and that was honestly the next best thing. He could work with his best friends, his brothers, and his boyfriend and it always felt amazing when they finished a song so Jiyong tried to not sulk too much about it. Instead, he looked at it as an opportunity to make many wonderful memories with this bunch of people that have been a part of his life for so long now. Besides, he and Seunghyun could still work on a song or two together and just tell Hyungsuk that it was a song for BigBang and then there wasn’t much he could say about that and so far he never had and—

Jiyong stopped in his tracks for a moment. He had been thinking about Seunghyun as his boyfriend again, even though they had not said anything about dating again. Yet, here he was calling Seunghyun his boyfriend again in his head. Maybe it really was time to really think about this — should he really just say  _ fuck it  _ and dive into this relationship again? His heart screamed yes, but he was still scared of all the things that could happen. He wasn’t so much scared of Seunghyun hurting him, but he was more scared of Seunghyun leaving him if that made sense at all. He looked down on the lyrics he had mindlessly scribbled down during the past twenty or so minutes and it seemed that his subconsciousness had been the one dictating what he would write down.

The words were melancholic in a way — but genuine. He had simply described how he always felt whenever he was close to Seunghyun; that even when he was in a crappy mood where he didn’t want to see anyone he would still want to see Seunghyun, because he was like a ray of sunshine in the dark world he lived in. Whenever Seunghyun would look at him with his eyes — this intense gaze of his that always made him feel weak in the knees, that made his lips go dry and made him feel like a teenager all over again. Those eyes was what always drew him in no matter what — there had been a moment of realization when he finally had Seunghyun for himself all those years ago. That all his previous encounters were nothing compared to how Seunghyun made him fell, how he started to tremble and how he just wanted to be close to him all the time.

The lyrics made it pretty obvious what he wanted. What he  _ really  _ wanted, but was he ready? He put his notes aside and let his head fall back into his neck and he closed his eyes for a moment. He tried not to think too hard about this, but to listen to his guts. His intuition had never failed him so far, but he had a thing for not listening to what it was telling him, but did the thing that was most rational and that often clashed with what he really wanted, but Seunghyun was too important to just do the rationally more logical thing. — and his guts were telling him that Seunghyun was it. He was the man Jiyong wanted to spent the rest of his life with, he was the man he wanted to wake up to every morning until they were old and gray, he wanted Seunghyun to be the one who would wait for him at the end of the aisle when they would finally be able to marry, he wanted him to be his everything again. 

He slowly opened his eyes and let his head roll to the side so he could watch Seunghyun again and he had to smile way too hard. Seunghyun was so cute without trying sometimes it was ridiculous. While he always looked manly with his high cheekbones, thick eyebrows and generally very masculine aura, he surely was innocent and cute deep down. Much like right now; he was scowling down at the paper, squinting his eyes every now and then whenever a rhyme wouldn’t work properly or the timing would be off and then he would jut out his lower lip like a kid and pout. God, how was a grown man this adorable? Jiyong didn’t know, but he was sure. Seunghyun would be his again and his only. No one else would be allowed to have him. No one was good enough for this man — not even he himself, but he would try so fucking hard over and over and over again to make him happy.

He couldn’t help, but smile like a fool.

“Seunghyun?”

“Hm?” The other man was still in deep thoughts; his eyebrows knitted into a scowl, but his head slowly turned towards Jiyong, while his eyes remained on the paper for a moment or two, before he finally looked up from the notebook to fully look at Jiyong. His mouth slightly parted as he took in the way Jiyong was looking at him and Jiyong just smiled broader.

“I love you.” His voice was soft and sweet. He took another breath. “I love you so much.”

Seunghyun looked like a kid on christmas that saw the christmas tree for the very first time; the thrown melted away and got replaced by a smile that tugged at his lips and his eyes started to tear up — god, Seunghyun was such a softie, and now Jiyong’s eyes teared up, too.

“I love you, too Jiyong. You have no idea how much actually.” 

They were sitting close, but Jiyong wanted to be closer. He scooted over until his side was pressed against Seunghyun’s shoulder and he pressed a light kiss against it. “Oh really? Want to show me how much then?” He couldn’t help but tease at least a little bit. 

Seunghyun scoffed, smile still tugging at his lips as he threw the notebook aside and grabbed Jiyong’s face. “I will.”

— and then he kissed him and Jiyong forgot how to breath for a moment. He lunged forward and buried his hands in the silky strands of Seunghyun’s hair, tugging at them as Seunghyun deepened the kiss; sucking and biting at his lower lip and making Jiyong moan out. God, he had missed this. — He tugged again, making Seunghyun crash into him and then everything happened so fast; Seunghyun pushed him back until he was flat on his back and his wrists secured on each side of his head where Seunghyun held them down and Jiyong could already feel how all of his blood was rushing south. Shit, it had been too long since he had been held down like that, especially by Seunghyun. He breathed harshly and sucked in a breath as Seunghyun pushed his shirt up right to his armpits and licked a long stripe from his navel up to his chest, scattering kisses across his skin and making him groan out. Jiyong had troubles with holding his hips down whenever Seunghyun’s hot breath would ghost over his skin — the position didn’t help either. The other man was laying between his spread legs and Jiyong could feel how his lower body was pressing down on his lap and then he was already grinding up against his chest, trying to get some friction on his hardening cock. 

It didn’t take much for him to get hard, not when Seunghyun was licking over his nipples with his hands still secured and pinned down and with the delicious friction rubbing against him. He could feel the heat radiating off Seunghyun’s body and he whimpered when he took one of his nipples into his mouth and sucked. The sensation rippled through his body and made his dick jump — shit he loved it when Seunghyun scrapped his teeth  _ just so _ over them and when would suck them back into his mouth; it was pure madness and he couldn't stop himself from rutting up again. It was slowly getting painful to have his swelling cock tugged away in his pants and as much as he had enjoyed the sensation of Seunghyun’s body pressing it down, he needed  _ more  _ now. 

Jiyong didn’t even had to say a thing — Seunghyun sucked and licked at his nipples a few more times, making him almost lose his mind at that, and then he pulled away for a moment and Jiyong could feel how his mouth went dry as he watched Seunghyun strip out of his shirt and carelessly threw it aside. It was so effortlessly beautiful it made Jiyong want to jump Seunghyun, wanted to bury his face in his chest, lick over those delicious nipples and taste those pecs. Fuck, he wanted to do so much, but then Seunghyun slowly got up and stood above him, never breaking eye contact as he slowly undid his belt and pulled it out of the loops. Jiyong could hear the loud clutter as it got dropped to the ground but his eyes remained fixated on Seunghyun as he undid the button of his pants and pulled down the zipper — if there was anything more erotic than this, then Jiyong really didn’t know what that should be. 

His wrists were still pinned next to his head, but not because Seunghyun was physically holding him down, but because his stare was enough to tell Jiyong that he was not allowed to move a muscle and then; Seunghyun let his pants fall to the ground and stepped out of them and now Jiyong seriously felt as if he was about to pass out. Seunghyun was not wearing any underwear, but has been commando this whole time. 

It felt bizarre in a way, almost as if he was living out one of his wet dreams, but this was real and he could almost not believe his luck — and then Seunghyun reached over to the bag he had brought along, pulled out lube and condoms and  _ now  _ Jiyong really felt as if this was a wet dream. He couldn’t help but stare as Seunghyun quickly undid his pants and pulled out his aching cock — he was hard as a rock and his erection immediately sprung up against his stomach, but he still didn’t dare to move. He wanted to see what Seunghyun was up to and how he would show him how much he loved him so he leaned back and enjoyed the show as it was happening. 

Seunghyun had only pulled down his pants so much that they were down the swell of his ass and tugged down far enough that Jiyong’s cock was out in the open and he could spread his legs a bit — that was enough to work with, he knew from experience and it felt irritatingly hot to have his hard cock out in the open like that while he was still mostly clothed, with his wrists pinned to the ground. It made his cock jump — and then Seunghyun reached for the lube, spreading it over his fingers evenly and then he kneeled down over Jiyong’s stomach. Their faces were so close again — noses almost touching and breathing the same air; it made Jiyong’s head spin and he chased after Seunghyun’s lips and sighing happily into his boyfriend’s mouth as he finally was allowed to taste those lips again.

He was so lost in the kiss and how tender it was given the situation they were in that he almost didn’t hear the wet sounds — Seunghyun had reached behind him and was fingering himself open. The unevenness in his kisses also gave him away; one second he was demanding, pulling and nipping at Jiyong’s lips, the next it was only a mere press of lips against lips with Seunghyun concentrating on getting his fingers inside; while they kissed, Seunghyun’s other hand slid along Jiyong’s biceps, his forearm and eventually he intertwined their hands and Jiyong felt his heart swell at the gesture. 

Seunghyun squeezed his hand, and Jiyong squeezed back — and then they broke the kiss and Jiyong watched as his boyfriend reached for the condoms and quickly ripped open one package and took the condom out. Within seconds there were hands on his dick — rolling down the condom all the way down and lubing him up, before the bottle of lube got tossed aside and Seunghyun pressed another bruising kiss on his lips and slowly sank down on his cock. It was always such an intense feeling whenever they kissed and Seunghyun would ride him and Jiyong would slide up into him for the first time — almost like coming home after a long time, but a thousand times better and shit it felt so good. 

Seunghyun now grabbed his other hand as well and intertwined their fingers while Jiyong bottomed out and once he was all the way inside of him they took a moment to just appreciate what was happening right now — he opened his eyes and looked up to his boyfriend. He still had his eyes closed and a faint blush dusted over his cheeks; his lashes long on beautiful and he was already breathing heavily. He looked like an angel. 

He waited until Seunghyun opened his eyes as well to make sure that he was comfortable before they started to move — Seunghyun sat up, rolling his hips a few times and then he took Jiyong’s hands and placed them on his hips, grinning down on him and Jiyong squeezed tightly. For all the hurry and desperation they had just a minute ago they surely took their time now — Seunghyun started to move and it was always a little bit overwhelming to see him like this. They were versatile enough that they had tried every position before — also when it came to topping and bottoming, but still. Jiyong would never be able to get enough of seeing Seunghyun ride him; the way his strong thighs wrapped around his waist, his slender hips and how well he was able to move them, his full chest and strong shoulders and how Jiyong could watch his muscles under his skin. There were a thousand things that Jiyong loved to watch closely whenever they were in this position and he always made sure to take in as much as possible. 

Seunghyun was bigger than him and while Jiyong had been insecure about them switching their positions in bed Seunghyun had actually been the one who coaxed him into trying it the other way around. Before they had done it with Jiyong on top the very first time he had always used his fingers and mouth and showed Seunghyun how amazing an orgasm could feel with the help of your prostate and that had been enough; but only for so long. When they had tried it they had been in the exact same position as they were in now. Seunghyun on top of Jiyong and Jiyong had been incredibly nervous back then — he still was right now, but back then it had had another reason, but then Seunghyun had slid down on him, moved his hips a bit and found his prostate with ease and after that they hadn’t looked back and tried different things all the time. Jiyong not only found out that his dick worked magic for Seunghyun when he was riding him or whatever else position they ended up in — he also learned how much he loved to see Seunghyun come undone on his dick. 

Years later and it still was intoxicating to watch; Seunghyun had his hands on his chest, balancing himself as his movements picked up in pace and he started to bounce on his cock. Jiyong’s hands helped him along with his movements, varying between lifting him up and slamming him back down on his dick and letting them roam over his lover’s body. Touching his stomach, his sides, his chest and pecs, his cock and balls, his thighs, his ass. God, he loved that ass so much. He loved to touch it and massage it between his greedy fingers, to grab him hard on his butt and push him down on his dick and make him moan out loudly when he would hit all the right places inside of him. He loved to watch the way Seunghyun’s dick would bounce with every move he made, how precum would start to leak from the tip and roll down his length and how his thighs would start to shiver whenever he got close to coming. He loved to see it how he would fuck into his boyfriend, to directly see him fucking into him; Jiyong let his hands wander — one hand grabbed Seunghyun’s bouncing cock and he jerked him off with ease, pressing his thumb over the slit and messaging that one sensitive spot right underneath the head and making him keen out, the other slid up his chest and with it he sat up, moving close into Seunghyun’s space and licking over his chest. He could hear Seunghyun curse out loudly at how the angle now changed and Jiyong had to smirk. Seunghyun always cursed like a sailor, but it was so fucking hot when he did it when they were having sex.

He took one of Seunghyun’s nipples into his mouth and licked and sucked at them; loving the feeling of something in his mouth while Seunghyun rode him and even more the reaction it caused. Not many men were this sensitive on their nipples, but Seunghyun was and Jiyong always made sure to make good use of his tongue and lips and cause his lover pleasure. 

There were suddenly hands in his hair, tearing his head back far enough that he was looking up at Seunghyun. His chest was glistening with sweat and saliva in the dim light coming from the neon lights on the walls; he was breathing heavy and his hair a mess. His eyes were half lidded and burning and his mouth half open from panting and moaning and Jiyong could feel how his thighs were shaking and the precum spilling down his cock and hand. 

“Jiyong..” He shuddered as he heard Seunghyun’s voice. It was low and heavy, and he suddenly had the urge to have him so much closer. He wanted to crawl under his skin and never come out again, wanted to be close to this man until the end of time and just get lost on his deep gaze that he could feel inside his bones and that made his heart pound and knees feel weak. The muscles around Jiyong’s cock were twitching and it felt like he was seconds away from coming himself, but he wanted to see Seunghyun break. He wanted to see this beautiful man come undone completely, wanted to see him ruined so he forced himself to hold on a little bit longer. 

“I got you, baby.” He took Seunghyun’s cock back in his hand and twisting his wrist just the way he knew Seunghyun liked it, the way it made him come the fastest while he leaned back down again. Seunghyun followed suit; their chests pressing together as their faces were touching close. They breathed the same air and it was getting hot around them, so incredibly hot and Jiyong could feel the sweat break out on all of his skin and how Seunghyun had struggles with holding himself up, let alone bounce on his cock so he let go of Seunghyun’s dick for the moment and grabbed his hips again instead. He spread his own thighs a little bit more apart and planted his feet flat on the ground — iron grip on Seunghyun’s hips and he fucked up into the other man, which made him fall forward; his head now the crook of Jiyong’s neck and their upper bodies touching everywhere. Jiyong could feel how Seunghyun's hard, hot cock was trapped between them, smearing precum everywhere and he was close to  _ whimpering _ . 

“Shit—” Jiyong wasn’t sure who had said it, but then he could feel Seunghyun tighten up completely. The muscles clenched around his own dick and Seunghyun mewled out loudly as Jiyong fucked him through his orgasm and Jiyong could finally let go as well. The air was trapped in his lungs when he fucked up into Seunghyun a few more times and came inside. It was intense and he groaned out loudly and then they both collapsed onto the ground, completely spent. Jiyong could barely breathe with Seunghyun spread out over him like that, but if he was going to die post coital with an equally happily spent Seunghyun on top of him then so be it. He was covered in sweat, saliva and cum and he fucking loved it. 

He was still panting, trying to get some air back into his lungs as he felt lips nip and suck on his neck and he let his head roll to the side. Everyone always teased Jiyong for being the possessive and jealous one out of the two of them, but Seunghyun could be just as bad — even worse sometimes, but Jiyong really didn’t mind. Especially not if it meant that his neck and throat would be covered in hickeys, as well as the inside of his thighs, the area around his nipples or literally any other area on his body.

The lips disappeared again and instead, Jiyong could hear Seunghyun’s rough voice.

“—so people will know you are taken, and a reminder that you are mine again.”

He grinned stupidly, turning his head back and smiling at Seunghyun.

“Idiot, I have always been yours and will forever be.” 

* * *

* * *

They were still laying on the ground of the studio on top of the Murakami pillows, limbs spread out and skin still damp from another round of sex. After Seunghyun had been on top of him they had simply laid there for a while, gazing into each other’s eyes for god knows how long, their cheeks pink and giggling like idiots and kissing again and again. It hadn’t taken long until Seunghyun had flipped them over and had pressed Jiyong into the ground again, but this time it was Seunghyun who was on top and god, Jiyong loved it. He loved how Seunghyun would touch him, like he  _ belonged _ to him. How he would not hold back and mold and turn his body just the way he needed it and how he would manage to make him cum so easily. 

Right now, everything Seunghyun was doing was beautiful. He was almost blinded by love. 

Jiyong stopped stroking Seunghyun’s check for a moment. Blinded by love — that would sound amazing in a song. He quickly rolled around, effectively smearing the cum on his chest and stomach and thighs on the cushions underneath of them, as he fished out his notebook and pen. He could hear Seunghyun’s laughter from behind and then he could feel how the older man was rolling onto his back and leaving kisses on his shoulder blades.

“Idea for a song?”

Jiyong just made a sound of approval as he started to write. 

“ _ I am blind with love  _ —” he gasped as he felt Seunghyun’s fingers ghost over his skin, distracting him from writing down the lyrics that were bubbling up in his head like there was no tomorrow — sometimes Jiyong didn’t know whether Seunghyun was human, like everyone else, or an angel — his muse.

The kisses continued upwards until Seunghyun was looming over him and sucking on his neck again, making his head spin. 

He could feel how he was getting hard again, just from the way Seunghyun was kissing his neck and how how his hand roamed over his naked skin. 

Seunghyun buried his hands in Jiyong’s hair and that was enough for Jiyong to drop the pen and roll around — now Seunghyun was the one who was oh so gently brushing his cheek and looking at him with so much love it made Jiyong forget everything else. He wanted to kiss him again, but Seunghyun held his face in place — just out of reach, but still close enough that it was driving Jiyong insane.

“Your eyes are pretty like a deer. When you laugh at me it’s so chic,” his eyes boring into his “— you are a natural beauty — my perfect dear, be my muse.” Their noses touched and Jiyong had to bite his lips; Seunghyun was spilling out lyrics just like that and it fit perfectly to what he had been writing. It made him smile so big and his heart felt so full he wanted to scream it out to the world and then Seunghyun rolled them around once more so Jiyong was sitting on his lap and his arms automatically wrapped around Seunghyun’s neck as a giggle broke through his lips as he heard the next few lines of the lyrics. — “We are so comfortable together—” 

Seunghyun grinned up at him, pinching him in the side and making Jiyong laugh out even more and then he put his arms around his waist and pulled him close — so close that their foreheads were touching and that Jiyong could finally kiss him. 

Seunghyun’s kisses were his favourite — he had kissed quite a few people during his life, especially when Seunghyun had been dating someone other than him, because really, how else would he have been able to cope with it? He  _ had _ experience and still; Seunghyun was definitely the best kisser out of all of them. He was so good with his tongue, his lips soft and he just knew how to kiss Jiyong to make him hard and desperate within seconds; much like right now. Jiyong could already feeling the blood rushing to that one place and he gingerly started to move his hips, dragging his erection against Seunghyun’s stomach and moaning out sweetly when it rubbed oh so deliciously against him. — but then, before he could do anything, there was a hand in his hair, holding him in place and he stopped to move immediately. Seunghyun was looking up at him with so much  _ hunger _ Jiyong forgot how to do anything in that moment — even breath — and then Seunghyun moved, rolling them over so Jiyong was on his back again. He started to breath hard again; the way Seunghyun pinned him down always excited him and then he got moved around again — there were hands on his hips and he got flipped over; ass up in the air and then he could feel Seunghyun groping his ass and spreading his cheeks. 

His breath caught in his throat as Seunghyun dived in with his lips and tongue, sucking and kissing at his puckered hole, making his legs shake and him keen out. “Fuck,  _ eat me  _ — eat me good!” — he received a hard slap on the ass for that command, but that only made him moan out loud. Shit, he needed more. 

“Please —” Seunghyun’s tongue finally slipped inside and Jiyong’s eyes rolled back into his skull as another harsh slap came down on his ass. This time it hurt, but fuck it felt so incredible, he needed more. “—more,  _ please _ .”

—and then he felt Seunghyun pull away, which was definitely the  _ least _ thing he wanted right now. Why was Seunghyun pulling away? His vision was a bit blurry, but he managed to look up, but he more felt than saw what Seunghyun was up to. There suddenly were fingers at his entrance, lubed up and gently pressing against his rim and massaging it before the first digit slipped inside and Jiyong clawed at the pillows underneath of him. He couldn't wait for what was about to come. Impatiently he rocked his hips back, silently begging the other man to go faster — but again, he got hit hard, making his thighs shake. 

“—if you don’t stop wiggling around like this, I will tie you down and show you some discipline.” 

Seunghyun’s voice was like smoke — filling up the space between them and Jiyong’s lungs and it infected his brain. He could see and  _ feel _ it happening. Seunghyun holding him down and fucking him senseless while he was all tied up and at his mercy — him on his knees with bound wrists behind his back and a blindfold on so he wouldn’t see what was going to happen to him; Seunghyun still dressed save for his erected cock — fucking his mouth. 

He panted hard. “—what if I want you to?”

Seunghyun stopped in his movements, looking at Jiyong now who could feel it all over his body. “If you want what?”

His tongue darted out over his dry lips, wetting them, as he swallowed nervously. “What if I want you to discipline me? What if I want you to fuck me hard and push me around? What if I want you to smack my ass real hard, making me scream out in pain — would you do it?”

His whole body trembled as he saw how Seunghyun’s nose flared, how his eyes slightly widened and how his pupils dilated. — He couldn’t believe it, Seunghyun wanted this, too. 

With the barest roll of his hips, he had Seunghyun’s full attention again — eyes zooming in on his ass and his spread cheeks and then Seunghyun was prepping him again, pushing in two fingers at once now making Jiyong weak in the knees. — A few moments passed and then he was ready; Seunghyun grabbed a fist full of his hair, tugging at them harshly and causing him to snap his head back; a ragged breathy moan escaping him and then Seunghyun pushed into him in the next moment. — Jiyong was too blissed out to really know what was going on, but then Seunghyun moved his body around again. He pushed his face down into the pillows, pinning his wrists against his own lower back and fucked into him. 

It was a tight stretch to feel — his shoulders were twisted back and with the fierce grip Seunghyun had on his wrists it was borderlining to painful, but that was what he wanted right now. He was still sensitive from coming just a few minutes ago; he didn’t know how Seunghyun wasn’t whimpering from the feeling of fucking him even though he himself only came a few mere moments ago, but fuck it. They way Seunghyun was drilling into him right now was enough to make him more than a little bit brain dead and then Seunghyun was smacking his ass again and again — each blow hitting him right were he needed it.

Seunghyun had an amazing muscle memory, which meant he had no problems with hitting his prostate again and again — normally, Jiyong loved that, but right now he was so sensitive that the pleasure he felt was nearly painful. Everything was a mixture of pain and pleasure right now; they way his knees protested where he was kneeling on the hard tiles, the way his hips were tilted at an almost impossible angle, the way he got fucked so hard and good by his boyfriend — the way his shoulders strained with every thrust and the harsh slaps on the ass and the hair pulling. 

It all hurt, but fuck it was so incredible, too. He was so desperate to come, even if it would probably hurt from how overly sensitive he was right now, but his cock was achingly hard; he could already feel the precum dripping down his length, smearing all over the Murakami pillow and he knew he would not be able to hold on much longer. 

Seunghyun moved him like a ragdoll; pushing him on his side — one hand still pressing his wrists to the ground, while the other one hiked his leg over his shoulder. The new position opened him up just  _ that _ much more — but the angle pulled at his skin, the burning sensation taking over. It made Jiyong want to slam his thighs shut and pull away from Seunghyun and the intense pleasure he felt, it made him want to hide underneath the pillows for how loud he was getting, but he couldn't help it; the moans and cries were spilling from his lips. He was making noises he couldn’t remember making ever before. 

The room got filled by his cries, by the sound of wet skin smacking skin, of the sound of Seunghyun slapping his ass and Jiyong’s curses and Seunghyun’s harsh growls, saying the filthiest things Jiyong had ever heard from his mouth. — it only added to his embarrassment of already being so loud, but there was something about the way Seunghyun was glaring down on him, telling him what a  _ slut _ he was being, that inflamed a fire within Jiyong. His cheeks were burning in embarrassment, but his dick was twitching. His asscheeks were a deep red by now, too — much like the ones on his face and tears were forming in his eyes. He just needed a little bit more, just a little bit — he could feel the orgasm approaching, how feeling started to build up with every thrust, every slap and every insult. It was coming slowly, but evenly and Jiyong already knew that he would fall hard. 

“—you little  _ bitch. _ Look at you, leaking all over yourself, because I push you around like the little slut you are.” —and suddenly it was hard to breath. Seunghyun had let go of his wrists and leg and had pushed him back onto his back again; each leg was now resting on one shoulder each, and one of Seunghyun’s hand had darted out — closing around his throat and Jiyong’s eyes went wide. He didn’t dare to move and a wave of panic rolled through him as he saw how Seunghyun was looming over him and it  _ excited him _ . Too much, because as Seunghyun squeezed the sides of his throat and fucked into him, hitting his prostate perfectly, he came all over himself — hard. His hands darted forward and curled around Seunghyun’s arm and wrist; needing to hold onto  _ something _ as the orgams washed through him and he came so hard that his cum splattered against his stomach, chest and jaw—

And then he felt as if he was flying — far away. 

Seunghyun was with him, calling his name and everything felt light and amazing. 

Jiyong hadn’t known that it could feel this good. 

* * *

* * *

It was not that they hadn’t had a lot of sex before — they had had a lively sex life, they  _ really  _ had, but these days it felt like it was all they were doing. Not that Jiyong was complaining, because he really was not. Especially not if it also involved Seunghyun finally opening up to some of the more kinky shit that he had wanted to try for years and years now, but had been too shy to ask the other man, simply because he wasn’t sure if it was something Seunghyun would be interested in or if he prefered things to be, well, more vanilla. 

Though they  _ had  _ done a thing or two that definitely was  _ not _ on the vanilla spectrum, but those things weren’t things that were  _ super _ kinky either and Jiyong wanted more than some light ass slaps or to be held down a little bit during sex. He wanted  _ more _ , but he wasn't sure if those things wouldn’t be too much for Seunghyun. It was one thing to ask his boyfriend to be a little bit more rough with him when they did it, but it was a completely different thing if he would ask him to maybe, eventually, theoretically participate in a roleplay or two that involved dom and sub tendencies as well as one participant switching from their mind as human, to a different mindspace — of a dog or something. 

Jiyong was too embarrassed to voice those things out — hell he was even embarrassed that he  _ liked _ those sorts of things. It had been like a revelation when he had first stumbled across videos like that. It was years ago when he had been on Fashion Week and he had been lonely and horny and Seunghyun had not been available for phone sex or an erotic video call so relieving some stress and watching porn was the way to deal with this. At first he hadn’t really been look for anything specific to watch, but the clips he found were not really what he had needed in that moment. He had been lonely and needed something with more depth than superficial, hard fucking so most of the gay porn clips he found were a no — and then he had found one that had peaked his interest. It was a couple and they had installed several cameras in their spacious bedroom; one was fully dressed — tight fitting shirt and black pants and Jiyong had no problem at all with imagining Seunghyun in that role; and the other one was on all fours, completely naked. His face had not been visible since the start, but Jiyong had been able to see that he had some sort of butt plug inside of him that also had a — he wasn’t sure at first, maybe a tail? — and then he noticed how the person on the floor was wearing a collar and  _ then  _ you could finally see his face. Or not; he was wearing a dog mask and the clothed man had a fist wrapped around the leash that was attached to the collar and he gave him all sorts of orders and Jiyong was hard in the matter of seconds. 

It had freaked him out — yet he couldn’t stop watching and that night he came embarrassingly fast. He pretended that nothing had happened, but he found himself browsing the web for more of these videos and what his whole  _ kink  _ was about the next night. 

Until now, he had been too scared to tell Seunghyun about it and whenever he ended up watching a few of these videos on his phone or wherever he  _ always _ made sure to delete the history and close all the tabs, because he definitely did  _ not  _ want Seunghyun to find out about it.

But then he somehow did and Jiyong nearly had an heart attack when he came back home from Paris Fashion Week, ready to ride his boyfriend until the early morning hours, to find Seunghyun waiting for him in the bedroom with a collar and leash in his hand and a mask sitting on the bed next to him. He was so shocked that he didn’t move a muscle and just stared at his boyfriend and then his brain short-circuited and he just pointed at the mask and leash. “What the fuck is that?”

The big smug smile slowly disappeared from Seunghyun’s face. “Was this not something you wanted to try? I—” he looked down at his lap, suddenly embarrassed himself and Jiyong wanted to laugh.  _ Seunghyun  _ suddenly was the one who was embarrassed about this? Shit, Jiyong was the one with the Puppy Play kink not the other way around. “It’s just, I saw that you watched a few clips of this — years ago — and you were watching those videos again and again over the last few years, but you never said anything and at first I wasn’t sure if I would like it, but I got curious and— nevermind, if this is not something you want to try then I’ll get rid of this all and—”

“No, wait!” Jiyong was in front of Seunghyun, holding onto the leash and mask before Seunghyun could throw them away. His body had worked faster than his brain could register though and now he was holding onto those things and he gaped at Seunghyun like a fish, because  _ fuck _ what should he say now? He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't say a single word; instead, his cheeks flushed red and he let go of the mask and leash and stared at his feet instead.

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see that Seunghyun put the things aside, placed them somewhere on the bed, and then took his hands into his own and pulled him closed. 

“Hey, Jiyong — look at me, please?” Jiyong really did  _ not _ want to look at his boyfriend right now. But the gentleness in Seunghyun’s voice and how carefully he caressed his hands and fingers with his own made him melt and he blinked away the embarrassed tears and finally looked at Seunghyun. 

“If this is something you are  _ curious _ about — then just nod once so I know what’s up, but if you don’t like this at all then shake your head and I will put these things away forever. Okay?” 

Jiyong waited for a moment and nodded — then he let another moment pass, long enough for Seunghyun to know that these were not connected — and nodded again, while motioning in a quick short movement with his head towards the things he was still holding. 

“Alright — do you want to talk about it?” 

“What is there to talk about? Fuck, this is embarrassing — I mean, do you know what these things are for? Shit, I tried so hard to always make sure that I would delete everything and that you would not find out about this and—?”

“But why?”

“Because it’s embarrassing and fucked up!” Jiyong didn’t mean to raise his voice but he felt so ashamed of himself in this moment that he just didn’t know how else to react to this. “I mean, what kind of sicko would want to pretend to be a fucking  _ dog _ while getting pushed around and ordered around and crawl on the floor I—” the tears were back and Jiyong just wanted to pull his hands away from Seunghyun and run and hide in the bathroom or  _ anywhere else _ but Seunghyun didn’t let go of his hands at all. He held onto them a bit stronger and made Jiyong look at him again. 

“If you think this is fucked up then I might be a little bit fucked up to be honest.”

That made Jiyong finally stop wanting to run away — his cheeks were still hot from embarrassment, but the logically thinking part of his brain slowly started to kick in again. Seunghyun had found out about this a long time ago and hadn’t said anything to Jiyong and had not treated him differently, even if he had been reluctant about this whole thing at first. He had seen that it was something Jiyong was curious about and had apparently started to look up a thing or two about these things Jiyong wanted to do — and now that Jiyong had been gone for a couple of days Seunghyun had gone out of his way to even buy  _ toys _ for them to try, saying that he was even curious about it.

Seunghyun brushed away the last tear and Jiyong gulped. 

Maybe he didn’t had to be embarrassed about all of this after all. 

* * *

A few weeks had passed now since that incident and they had tried a thing or two and Jiyong almost wasn’t surprised at all to find out that he was totally into everything they did. What really surprised him though was how easily it came for Seunghyun to slip into the role as his Master (they didn’t really like the term ‘handler’ which was usually used in these scenarios so they picked their own labels) and how much really seemed to like it. When Jiyong had put on the mask for the first time, as well as the kneepads he had felt weird. How could you not when doing this for the very first time? But then Seunghyun was there in front of him and put a collar around his neck with a leash attached and carefully lubed him up and the butt plug with the tail and all embarrassment washed away.  _ Especially  _ when the plug oh so deliciously brushed against his sweet spot and Jiyong just wanted to crawl up to Seunghyun and hump his goddamn leg like a, well, dog in heat.

They had come a long way since then and Jiyong was enjoying himself very much and he knew Seunghyun was, too, because it was always him who would start the play. He would get up from the couch or simply walk out of the room, which was not something out of the ordinary since they basically were living together these days. But he would eventually come back to Jiyong with the leash and collar in his hand and all the other essentials in the bag they always used and then he would always ask Jiyong if he was up for a play and so far Jiyong never has said no. There was something extremely therapeutic about just switching his brain off for an hour or so when they played where he could leave G Dragon and even Kwon Jiyong behind and just be a dog for an hour or two where he didn't had to worry about anything and just please his master. 

Today was another one of those days — they hadn’t had anything to do for the rest of the day and after a quick shower Seunghyun had pulled out the bag and made Jiyong kneel in front of him like a good boy. Even getting the collar put around his neck already made Jiyong hard and ready and while he was feeling uneasy the first time around, now he didn’t feel uneasy anymore at all. The pads on the knees were also a must, because crawling on your knees, even if it was only for ten minutes or so, did hurt and with them having concerts and all that they could not have G Dragon limping or laying on the floor because his kneecaps hurt. Plus Seunghyun wanted him to be comfortable while they did this so he took extra care of that — he even made him wear special gloves; they stopped Jiyong from using his thumbs — or hands in general, and they were also cushioned on the side where the palms hit the floor to make sure his wrists or hands wouldn’t hurt after being on the floor for too long. Something they not always made use of was the mask tho; sometimes it felt right to have it on, sometimes it did not — a quick shake of his head or nod and Seunghyun would know what he wanted. 

Tonight he felt fine without the mask. Instead, he wore the collar, the gloves and pads and the tail and it felt like it was enough for what he wanted or needed. Seunghyun had left him down on his knees and had made good use of his wonderful mouth; fucking into it until he came down his throat, making Jiyong cry out and moan. It was always a turn on for him when he sucked Seunghyun off or when Seunghyun used his mouth like that; if the collar around his neck hadn’t made him hard already, he was already leaking by the time Seunghyun was done with his mouth and he almost begged Seunghyun to get him off — but that was another thing; no talking. At least Jiyong was not allowed to talk, not when he was down on his knees and when Seunghyun was his master. It complicated things, but they also added a delicious note of frustration to the whole scene and when Seunghyun had simply swiped away the cum from the corner of Jiyong’s mouth and made him lick it up instead of taking care of his aching erection he nearly lost it. He had crawled after Seunghyun, whining, wanting to get attention and Seunghyun had stopped and patted his head, while saying  _ good boy _ . — It had made Jiyong stop in his tracks, because so far he had never really experienced someone calling him a good boy in a sexual setting, but now that Seunghyun had said it he suddenly realized how much he  _ craved  _ for it. 

And that was how they ended up in the situation they were in now; Seunghyun had taken a seat on the couch, remote in hand as he zapped through the channels and finally found something worth of watching — and Jiyong crawling after him with an achingly hard erection between his legs. Fuck, this was so unfair. 

He watched Seunghyun for a moment, still breathing heavily as he tried to think of a way to get Seunghyun’s attention without misbehaving, but fuck it was hard to think if you were so hard you were seconds away from bursting, but the plug was not enough to get him off, and his master had not told him that he was allowed to come just yet so he  _ had  _ to hold back. Jiyong grit his teeth — he was getting desperate, especially when Seunghyun showed no interest in getting him off anytime soon. Jiyong was so close to just jumping his master, but then he would not be a good boy, and Jiyong wanted to be called a good boy again. He really wanted to be good so he had to be good. He crawled over to where his master was sitting and pressed his face against the hand hanging down from the couch. 

He brushed against it with his nose, whining lightly as he nudged against it again and again to get his master’s attention, and he could hear the chuckle coming from him, but all he got in return was a pat on the head and a few scratches at the back of his head. Jiyong leaned his head back as he enjoyed how his master’s short nails dragged over the back of his skull, but it wasn’t enough. His master was still not looking at him. 

He whined again and this time he got a reaction from Seunghyun, but not the one he was hoping for. — “Shh, be a good boy and behave. I want to watch this show.”

He grit his teeth and huffed, but stayed put. The erection still throbbing hard between his legs, especially when his master had put the possibility of him being a good boy out there — but it was so out of reach and he  _ needed _ to be taken care of right now. He wanted attention, he wanted to feel his master’s eyes on him and him to be proud of him, but his patience was running thinn and his dick was slowly starting to hurt from the lack of pressure or relief.

He whined again and pushed his face against Seunghyun’s hand again, this time licking over the inside of his palm — and finally, a reaction. His master grabbed him at the ring attached at the front of his collar and pulled his face up so he was looking at him and — he was met with the scowling face of his master. 

“I am only going to say this once more,  _ behave _ or you will get punished. Do you understand?” 

But he was having none of that — he had tried to be good and to be patient. He had taken his master’s cock so well, had swallowed every last drop of him and he had gotten nothing in return? That was simply unfair and Jiyong wanted to get something in return. He knew he should listen but he just couldn’t and instead he jumped up onto Seunghyun and right in his lap. His dick was still as hard as a rock and he couldn't help himself but rub himself against the soft material of the pants his master was wearing. He moved quickly and went to town and oh  _ god _ it felt good to get some kind or pressure — he frantically moved his hips and his pants quickly evolved into moans and he could feel how the butt plug was pressing right into his sweet spot and he was so close he could already feel the first prickling sensations of his orgasm hitting and—

Suddenly he got pushed off the ground and onto the floor — he rolled over and tried to locate his master, but then he could feel the leash getting locked into his collar and he felt a harsh tug. Jiyong stumbled forward on all fours as Seunghyun marched over to the bathroom, leash in hand and pulling him after him.

“I told you to behave—!” Jiyong gulped as he saw that Seunghyun was reaching for his own belt, undoing it with one hand and pulling it out of the loops and then his master grabbed him at the scruff of his neck and he found himself getting pushed face first into the bed, ass up. He tried to move, tried to sit up straight to see what his master was doing, but the strong hold on his collar stopped him from moving his body at all. “—but you didn’t and you  _ know  _ what happens if you misbehave, don’t you? You get  _ punished _ .” 

The first hit came as a surprise — belt folded in half and wrapped tightly around his master’s fist once. It stung and Jiyong knew that this was his punishment, but  _ god _ , he was finally getting the attention he had craved so much. He whined loudly, biting at the comforter to muffle his voice, because he  _ still _ was not allowed to talk and he needed to stop himself before he would accidentally spew some nonsense. His master hit him again, and again. Each hit intensifying in strength and fuck it hurt, but as the burning sensation slowly faded out, Jiyong could feel it ripple deeper and straight to his cock and a wave of arousal hit him and made him moan out loudly. 

The next hit landed right on the spot where his thighs met his ass; it hit a part of the plug, pushing it deeper inside and as well his scrotum and Jiyong felt like blacking out for a second. He could feel how tears started to form in his eyes and got soaked up in the comforter, he could even hear his own sobs, but he needed  _ more _ . He pushed his ass back, silently asking for more and another hit came — again, and again. 

They all hit him in all the right places, always brushing against the plug and his most sensitive areas and before he could stop himself he came — cum splattered against his stomach and chest as he howled out and bit down on the comforter. His whole body shaking as the aftershocks of his orgasm finally stopped — he had fucked up. 

He could hear the heavy thud of his master dropping the leather belt on the ground and he was shaking again; this time, it was the anticipation running through him for what his master was going to do with him. He didn’t dare to look up, or to move — his master was already angry with him so he simply stayed put with his ass in the air and cum dripping down his chest and dick and then he could feel how the plug was slowly getting pulled out and tossed aside and there were hands spreading his red and swollen cheeks apart and then his master was pushing into him and this time Jiyong screamed. Not because it hurt, but because he was sensitive from coming just about half a minute ago and his ass cheeks were bruised and tender to touch — and then Seunghyun was fucking into him and Jiyong couldn’t keep quiet. 

He clawed at the sheets; or more like, tried to. The gloves he was wearing stopped him from sinking his nails and fingers into the soft fabric and all he could do was desperately paw at the comforter. His thighs were shaking uncontrollably and while his face was already pushed down on into the bed, he couldn’t really hold himself up and just let his boy be used like a good boy.

The ongoing pressure against his sweet spot and the feeling of getting fucked made him hard again and his head spin. He could hear the low grunts and moans coming from his master and even though he already felt exhausted, he tried his best to be a good boy again — he squeezed around his shaft, trying to bring his master pleasure and he got rewarded with another swat on the ass and then he got grabbed by the collar and tugged back against his masters chest. His legs were useless and Seunghyun had to hold him up, cradle him against his chest as he fucked up into him and whispered hotly into his ear. 

“My sweet boy—” Jiyong could feel the breath at the tip of his ear as Seunghyun spoke. “—you are being so good to me. You feel so good wrapped around me like that.” and then Seunghyun reached down to his dick and started to stroke him with each thrust. It was harder for his master to fuck up into him like that, because he had only one hand to stabilize his body, so Jiyong tried with the remaining strength he had to hold himself up; effort that not went by unnoticed. “—so good, I want you to come, can you do that? Can you be a good boy and come for me?”

Jiyong literally whimpered at that — tears falling from his eyes as he nodded with his head and frantically moved his hips and with a final swipe of his master’s hand over his dick, he came. 

Everything went white after that and Jiyong could only register a thing or two — when he finally regained enough consciousness he saw Seunghyun. He was next to him, holding him close to his chest and his own head still more felt like cotton than anything else and he burst into a fit of giggles as he buried his head in the other man’s chest. He couldn’t really think about what was so hilarious, he just knew it was and that Seunghyun smelled so good and that Seunghyun also tasted really good — he just loved to be close to Seunghyun and to laugh at everything Seunghyun was doing and right now there were so many funny things in his head. 

“Tonight—” he was mumbling against Seunghyun’s chest, still giggling “—we are getting freaky—” another burst of giggle “—freaky.” Drawing out the  _ y _ as he was speaking. 

It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep after that. 

* * *

Jiyong woke up the next morning with an aching butt and actually no, his whole body felt like one big sore muscle, but it was no different to what he felt like after a show — only now his head felt pleasantly empty. Like it had been emptied from all the bad stuff that had been plaguing him and made room for new ideas and melodies. He could hear the clattering coming from the kitchen, signaling that Seunghyun was busy with preparing breakfast and Jiyong stretched his tired limbs, already smiling at the thought of breakfast in bed. His mind wandered back to the night before and what it had been like to be on his knees again like that, to be a dog— 

He couldn’t help but reach for pen and paper and write down some of the nonsense he had babbled after Seunghyun had fucked him that good, maybe they could even turn it into a song, who knew. He couldn’t help but giggle at his own puns — god, dog; it would be interesting to see if anyone would ever get behind where all of this was coming from. Jiyong snickered to himself — getting those lyrics published would be such a shock to the public.

His hand stopped moving over the sheet of paper as he finally noticed the ring on his right ring finger — what? He had not been wearing any jewelry when they had played, he never did it was too dangerous and the gloves also would make it uncomfortable to wear rings and he certainly had not put it on before falling asleep and the ring also didn’t look like one he could remember ever buying. It was a relatively thick band of silver — simple and easy, but the design was beautiful and— 

The penny finally dropped. 

Seunghyun had put that ring on his finger, which meant that Seunghyun had explicitly bought this ring for him and the only logical explanation he could come up with as to why Seunghyun would do such a thing, was something they had never really talked about before. Jiyong had always talked about it, how much he wanted it, but Seunghyun and he had never actually had the conversation about the whole  _ marriage _ thing. He had always assumed Seunghyun didn’t want to marry — he had more than once voiced his disapproval of marriage as a construct and while that had hurt, Jiyong had tried to brush it off. Besides, it was not like it was legal in South Korea anyways for two men to marry — but now there was a goddamn ring on his  _ ring finger _ and Jiyong had been staring at it for the past two minutes and he still didn’t know how to process this whole thing. 

The door opened and Seunghyun stepped inside with a tray of food in hand and Jiyong could see him cringe as he quickly stepped into the room and set the tray aside. “Ah — you were not supposed to wake up just yet! It ruined the whole thing I had planned for this—!”

“Seunghyun—” he tried so hard to not jump to conclusions right now, but he couldn’t stress enough about the fact that there was a  _ ring _ on his  _ ring finger.  _ “—what  _ is this _ ?”

Seunghyun sighed and sat down next to Jiyong in bed, taking his hand in his own— rolling the ring between his fingers. “It’s just —” another sigh “I know, South Korea doesn’t really acknowledge marriage between two men yet, but I want — I want this to be a reminder. A reminder that until then, until I can put a real ring on your finger that you are mine. As a promise? God — I had this whole speech planned out and I wanted to do it properly, but now I am butchering it completely and—” Seunghyun didn’t get further than that, because Jiyong was already throwing himself around his neck, kissing him, while smiling so stupidly big, with tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Yeah, Seunghyun was totally butchering it, but it was perfect. 

* * *

* * *

It was late — way too late, or early it didn’t matter, but they were outside somewhere in LA and it was  _ amazing _ . It was in the middle of summer and it was  _ hot _ . Not only the weather but the people he was with, the whole atmosphere was just intense and it was just  _ so much fun. _

Just a few hours ago he had been alone and sad in his own hotel room — he had agreed to come to LA mostly so he could see SooJoo again; it had been way too long since he had seen her and a bunch of others as well and he really wanted to fly to the US again, but that meant without Seunghyun. The other man was busy filming his new movie and Jiyong couldn't help but sulk about that. They were back together again and he was off to filming some stupid movie again with pretty female actresses and handsome men and Jiyong really didn’t like that — so he had needed some distraction from all of that so maybe, just maybe that had been the biggest motivation for him to come to LA. He knew that if he would have stayed at home he would check his phone every second and he would be so fixated on the schedule Seunghyun had sent him when he was free and all that, that he would totally get lost in it and then he would get jealous and then he would get pissy and  _ then _ they would fight — and Jiyong did not want that. At all. 

He should learn to finally trust Seunghyun a little bit more — and it was not that he didn’t trust  _ Seunghyun _ , it was everyone else he was having issues with. 

So flying off to LA was what he did to meet his friends again after months of not seeing them and having some fun so he would  _ not _ end up looking at his own phone every second — but then he did anyways; well, okay. Not  _ every  _ second — just every third. The seventeen hours time difference between Seoul and LA made it a bit hard to keep track of the time, but then Jiyong simply set his watch to Korean Time and he was exactly where he had not wanted to be. Sitting in his hotel room, staring at the clock and waiting for Seunghyun to finish his schedule so they could talk — or facetime. That would be so much better. He just wanted to see his boyfriend’s face again. 

— but then SooJoo had called and half an hour later he had been whisked off to some club with a bunch of people he only vaguely remembered. Once he was at the club tho, he was pleasantly surprised to see that Chaerin was there as well and everything had gone down hill then. They all had drank too much — danced to much; body sweaty and spirits high as they drank more and dance and danced and drank. It was so different from korean clubs, but then again everything was different here in LA. His eyes danced as he watched the crowd of people on the dance floor — grinding bodies and needy hands; all of that. The music was loud and Jiyong could feel the vibrations inside his  _ bones _ from the bass. 

His mood had improved so much since a few hours ago — he was genuinely happy; or maybe it was the alcohol he couldn’t really tell anymore. But Chaerin was there, SooJoo was there too and he had also seen Soohyuk of all people somewhere here in the club, probably out to collect his next play date for the night. 

He knocked back the rest of his drink — he  _ really  _ needed to pee. His legs were already a bit too wobbly for his taste, but honestly, what did it matter. The more drunk he got the longer he would be out with his friends and the longer he would sleep the next day, which meant the likeliness of waking up to text messages from Seunghyun was a lot higher than if he would go to bed early and wake up early, too. 

He walked back out of the restroom — the pressure on his bladder finally gone, when he suddenly noticed that his phone was vibrating. Jiyong rolled his eyes — who the fuck would call him at 4am in the morning? He pulled out his phone, only half heartedly checking it, when he read the display. — It was Seunghyun; he was actually facetiming him. 

Jiyong ran outside so fast he probably looked like a mad men and pressed the  _ accept _ button. Immediately he could see the tired face of his boyfriend who was smiling at him. He was curled up in bed and Jiyong wanted nothing more than to just jump through the screen and lay down next to him. “Hold on, just one second—!” He dived through people, passed the bouncer and he was finally outside, through the backdoor. It was illuminated just enough so Seunghyun could see his face. The hot summer air now felt cooler as he had stepped out of the overheated club. 

“Having fun in LA?” — Seunghyun’s voice sounded tired and playful at first, but Jiyong could easily tell that what this was. A soft smile spread over his lips as he sat down on the sidewalk under a streetlamp. His boyfriend rarely showed his possessiveness openly, or his jealousy. But Jiyong could always tell when Seunghyun was feeling needy, when he was possessive or when he got jealous of someone getting  _ too close, too friendly _ with Jiyong. Which sometimes happened a lot, because Jiyong always had been someone who loved to approach people so they would give him their undivided attention. He never did it to make Seunghyun jealous tho — he would never play him like that. 

Seunghyun was someone who needed loyalty in a relationship; when they had first started to date, Seunghyun had made it clear that if Jiyong was just looking for a casual fling, for someone to get off with, then Seunghyun was the wrong person — because once he fell in love, he got  _ invested _ . There truly wasn’t something Seunghyun wouldn’t do for the person he loved and all he asked for in return was their loyalty. 

“Not as much as if you were here with me.” — and it was true. The moment Seunghyun had called, he had forgotten about everything around him, about anything else. There was no club, no alcohol, no friends he was hanging out with; just Seunghyun. 

“I miss you so much, Hyung. I wish you were here with me.” 

Seunghyun’s tired eyes finally started to shine a little bit — he was smiling now; a genuine smile. One that was warm and soft and was specially reserved for him. One that made his heart ache in the best way possible and that sent butterflies through his stomach. 

“I miss you too, when will you come back home?”

“Well,” Jiyong tried to think properly, but he was still drunk as shit and it was hard to concentrate, let alone think. “ —hold on.” He typed away on his phone for a moment, never closing the face time with Seunghyun and instead opened up the reservations he had saved on his phone for his flight back. 

“—well, since you are still busy with filming I planned to stay until friday, which are four more days.” 

Seunghyun didn’t look happy with that, but he didn't really comment on it. He just smiled and nodded — he looked so tired and Jiyong almost felt bad for keeping him up, but he just was so  _ happy  _ to finally hear from him again. Normally they talked everyday, even when they had different schedules — they would sent each other dumb texts or pictures with them pulling faces or they would meet up later at home and not plan anything for the rest of the night, but to drink wine together, watch movies and make out. But when Seunghyun was filming there often was only a very short  _ good morning love _ and another very short  _ good night my love _ message and that would be it — and that over the stretch of a few  _ weeks _ and Jiyong  _ hated that.  _ He was still incredibly proud of Seunghyun for making another movie — as much as he hated them being apart like that, the more he loved it to see his man on the big screen. 

It always made his chest puff out and he would gush about it to his friends; how handsome Seunghyun was, what an amazing actor he was and so much more. They all often rolled his eyes at Jiyong then, but he would still not be able to shut up about it. He never could shut up, not when the topic was  _ Choi Seunghyun _ . 

“About my schedule—” Jiyong bit his lower lip. Oh no — he didn't want to hear what was about to come now. He already knew — there probably had been complications, something had went wrong and they would have to film all the shots all over again and Seunghyun would have to stay another five weeks until they would be done filming. Jiyong immediately felt how his heart sank and his mood dropped. Life was so unfair sometimes.

“—tomorrow is the last day. We only need to shoot one more scene and then we will be done.”

Wait — what? Jiyong sat up straight in the pavement. Did he hear that right. 

“What do you mean, you will be done. Don’t you have another two weeks ahead of you?”

Jiyong heard the dry chuckle coming from Seunghyun. “—and I thought you would be happy to hear that I would be done sooner. Guess I was wrong about that—” 

“No! No — you are not wrong, oh my god — are you serious?” 

The tired smile that spread across Seunghyun’s face was all telling.

“I’m gonna book my flight back immediately—!”

“Jiyong, you don’t have to—”

“Of course I  _ have to _ . You are finally done with your schedule, do you really think I will be able to concentrate on my time here in LA when I know that my husband is at home waiting for me — are you insane?”

“Husband?” — Seunghyun’s smile was so big now it was almost blinding. 

Jiyong blushed. “Shut up —” he quickly opened opened the app he always used when he booked his flights, his hands suddenly shaking with anticipation. Seunghyun was done with filming and he would be home soon and that would mean he would finally have him back for himself and there was  _ no way _ he would let him out of his sight for the next four plus days. He had time off anyways, but now he would not have to stare at his watch anymore while he sat in LA, but he could stare Seunghyun into his beautiful eyes, while he sat on his dick. 

Thousand times better than the LA alternative. 

“—alright, the next flight is at 10:50 today in LA, which means I will land in Seoul at 17:40 the next day.” He always hated how time shifted when he flew between the US and Korea, but right now all that mattered was that he would be with Seunghyun soon.

“So, does that mean I won’t have to fall asleep alone tomorrow night?”

His heart ached. “Exactly that.”

* * *

* * *

Waking up next to Seunghyun was simply the best feeling in the world  — even if that meant a dead arm, because Seunghyun had decided to use it as a pillow and an elbow nailing him in the him whenever he moved around or having Seunghyun’s hair tickle his nose. It was all part of what made this so mundane and so beautiful to him.

While they both weren’t really morning people, Jiyong always woke up before Seunghyun, but would need more time to get up. A big part of that was that he always wanted to cuddle a bit before having to go out into the cold harsh world — Seunghyun was his boyfriend, his haven, his home. He made him feel safe like no one else was able to do so. 

Whenever he woke up these days with Seunghyun in his arms, butterflies would go crazy in his stomach — it was weird; in a way he had so many more butterflies in his stomach now than when they had first started to date and back then he had already been so over the moon that people had just rolled his eyes at him. He was probably a little bit obsessed with the other man if he was being completely honest, but as long as Seunghyun didn’t voice his disapproval he would continue to unconditionally love him.

* * *

* * *

Something that he would never get used to was having to pretend that he was dating someone else — someone who was a woman. It was sadly a necessity. The media, knetz, the whole damn public wanted to see him with someone, wanted to know that he was not alone — but at the same time they would hate him for having someone by his side. They always hated his pretended girlfriends and he could only imagine how much hate Seunghyun would get if they were to ever find out about them dating. It would probably ruin their careers — they would probably become the most hated people in Korea. He and Seunghyun knew what could happen if they would get outed one day and it was scary to think about that people would find out — but at the same time he sometimes couldn't help himself to hint that he and Seunghyun were an item.

He wanted to be proud of Seunghyun and support him openly all the time, but he only so rarely got to do that and everytime he did it he had to be extremely careful about it and that was exhausting. There had been a time, back when they were finally getting closer and also during the first year they dated, where the media had started to write about them — as a couple. Hyungsuk had been beyond pissed and had decided the only logical conclusion (to him); Jiyong would get a girlfriend. 

Even if it was only a fake girlfriend that he got, it still stung. It wasn’t that Kiko was not nice and all that — they had all met ages ago for the first time and they  _ did _ get along well, but pretending to be her boyfriend? That was hard — and it had gotten so much harder when he had to actually spent christmas of all holidays with her to make sure that the media would see them together and draw the conclusion that they were an item. 

More and more things were asked of him regarding Kiko — that he would have to be seen with her outside at some bar as well, with his hand caressing her cheek and all that, or that she would have to be seen entering his apartment through the private garage, which, in his humble opinion, was more than just ridiculous. How the hell would a damn  _ reporter _ of all people be able to get into the apartment complex without getting noticed by the staff, be able to pass the security to get inside the garage and  _ then _ be able to wait around long enough without getting caught until Kiko showed up? How the hell would that all be possible? But apparently his opinion hadn’t mattered — a few days later an it was all over the news.

He knew it bothered Seunghyun and he hated that; he didn’t want the other man to feel bad because of all of this shit and it  _ did _ bother him. To the point that they actually had fights about all of this nonsense. Trivial shit that wasn’t even worth discussing, because Jiyong was  _ gay _ and while he did admire women and had lots of female artists he looked up to, he was not attracted to them in the slightest in  _ that way _ . But he sometimes underestimated how possessive Seunghyun could be.

And that was mostly what made him want to end this. He loved to see the possessive side of Seunghyun, but he couldn’t bear the burden of him pretending to date these girls and it  _ hurting  _ Seunghyun so one day, he finally decided that it was enough. 

He had talked everything through with Kiko and she understood. She had even been surprised with how long Jiyong had managed to put up with this whole charade and she was really sweet about this whole thing. She knew more than most how much Jiyong had suffered because of this, too. Being away from the person you loved on christmas was probably the worst thing and she had asked him so many questions about him and Seunghyun during those few days, to finally get him to smile at least a little bit. 

Jiyong had been grateful for that; and he was grateful for their friendship, but at this point he had to draw the line. Seunghyun was more important. More important than his image, his career, anything — he was done with pretending to date someone who was not Seunghyun. He and Kiko had everything planned and it would mostly happen through Instagram. Since Jiyong had never really publicly admitted to dating Kiko it was relatively easy to spread the news that they had broken up — he would simply unfollowed her on Instagram with his private account, and she would do the same with hers. 

His finger hovered over the  _ unfollow _ button, his heart racing. Something as small as this and he would finally be free from all the pretending — from the lies, from the photoshootings, from everything. Jiyong had already talked to the PR team — while Hyungsuk was anything but happy about his decision, Jiyong had finally put his food down. Enough was enough. It was already hard enough as things were with all of them resigning their contract and the plans they had for before they would enlist. The least Hyungsuk could do was to show some humanity and let him live at least a little bit for once. 

The news would be  _ leaked _ the following morning by Dispatch — how much he hated that damned so called  _ news agency _ so much, but at least this time it made him feel better.

He physically felt how the weight lifted off his shoulders as he clicked the  _ unfollow _ button. How could something this small, have such a big impact?

It felt abstract. 

But then it was done. A small click and everything was done — he would never have to pretend to be dating someone else ever again and he tossed his phone aside, walking up to Seunghyun who was lounging on the couch in the hotel room they were staying at in Chongqing. He could feel the big, goofy smile spreading across his own face as he sat down on the couch, cuddling up next to Seunghyun.

“What are you smiling at?” — Seunghyun pulled him closer, his eyes were tired; he was exhausted from the show earlier, but Jiyong knew that they were not going to bed anytime soon. As exhausted as they felt after the show, they never went to bed early. Well, early in the morning and Jiyong felt too giddy right now to think of going to bed anyways. He had just ended a big chapter in his life — in their life. A chapter that had made them both feel insecure, burdened — something that had put a strain on their relationship for the past few years and now it was finally over. He cuddled up closer to Seunghyun, the smile suddenly so big and goofy. 

“I unfollowed Kiko and she unfollowed me.” 

“So everything is finally settled and done?” 

Jiyong could practically feel how Seunghyun’s whole body language suddenly changed from exhausted and a little bit tired to hopeful and happy within the blink of an eye. He looked up at his boyfriend, the big goofy smile still edged onto his face. 

“Yes, everything is done. They will report it to Dispatch and we all know how fast they spread stupid stuff so from now on, I am  _ officially _ a single man.” 

“—that better not give you any weird ideas; I will have to fend off all those girls trying to get a shot with G Dragon again, oh god.” Seunghyun groaned dramatically and Jiyong started to laugh at his Hyung. “How will I be able to bear that? — all those women trying to chase my man, I will be so busy with trying to get them away from you. It will be hell!”

Jiyong was now cackling — gummy smile showing as his boyfriend continued to over dramatically complain, while in reality he was just as thrilled as he was.

“—oh please!” he was huffing, trying to stop laughing. “Now you will know how I always feel as soon as the big, bad T.O.P walks into the club and all eyes are on him! That is just bad — no, actually so much worse!” 

Seunghyun gasped, clutching his pearls. “Me? — but I am pure and innocent! I don’t like women!” — Jiyong smacked his chest, trying to stop laughing, but he couldn't. He was so happy; he had dreamed about this moment many times and he had never thought that it would be like this; him and Seunghyun sitting in their pyjamas in a hotel room in China, after another successful show. They had just eaten dinner together, a bottle of wine at the side when Jiyong had gotten the final message from his manager and PR team leader that it was okay to unfollow Kiko now. 

His cheeks were feeling tingly and he could tell he was blushing — Jiyong didn’t really know why, but he was laughing so hard — happy tears in his eyes — and Seunghyun was being so  _ sweet _ and he just savoured the moment. How often could something like this happen?

Seunghyun’s smile turned sweet again — and then he pulled Jiyong in close. “Come here—” and kissed the tip of his nose and his red cheeks and side of his neck. “I’m happy.” 

Jiyong leaned back just far enough so he could see at his boyfriend’s face — and he truly looked happy in that moment. His eyes were dancing and the amused smile never faltered. 

“Come on — let’s take some pictures!”

He didn’t wait for Seunghyun’s response and simply grabbed his boyfriend’s phone, typed in the passcode and opened the camera. Seunghyun was in the frame next to him within a second, pulling him close and kissing him. Jiyong closed his eyes only for a moment and he could feel how Seunghyun was taking the phone from him and when he opened his eyes again and slowly pulled away from the kiss he could see that Seunghyun was taking pictures of them; it made him blush even more. 

“Hyung no— I am shy!”

“You? Shy? Please!” — he scooted forward, taking closeups of Jiyong’s face and gummy smile. 

“Yes, now stop!” 

“I don’t think I will — I think I should celebrate the fact that my man is now a  _ single _ man again, don’t you think so? Come on — let’s take some pictures now!” Seunghyun helped used the front camera of his phone again — he was grinning at the camera like a kid on christmas and it made Jiyong’s heart ache. Seunghyun was always good at hiding things in public, but in reality this whole thing hurt him more than it hurt Jiyong. Seeing him this happy about the fact that he no longer had to play pretend with a girlfriend was bittersweet. 

Jiyong leaned against his shoulder and finally joined in on taking pictures with his boyfriend — pulling funny faces and grinning at the camera like the kids they still were deep inside. 

Jiyong almost cried happy tears when he checked Instagram the next morning — Seunghyun had seriously posted one of their selfies from the day before. The caption read: _ #lastnight _ !

Sometimes the smallest things had the biggest impact. 

* * *

* * *

Visiting Las Vegas always brought him back to when they had shot their  _ Tonight _ music video — they had all gotten so incredibly plastered during the week they had stayed in Vegas it was insane. Looking back Jiyong was really surprised how they had managed to get anything done during that week since most of the time they had been a little bit tipsy when shooting their music video, too. 

This time around there wasn’t much of a difference to last time, just that this time around it was not february so they weren’t completely freezing their asses off as they roamed through the city at night, haunting down a few clubs and, once again, getting plastered. Much like last time, Seunghyun had come with him — Jiyong couldn't help but stay glued to his side. Going to clubs with Seunghyun always turned him into this even touchier, needier version of himself. He loved that people would see him and Seunghyun together; what he didn’t love was how women of every age tried to get close to his man, to flirt with him, to steal him away. It was not that he didn’t trust Seunghyun, but he just didn’t really enjoy it when other people got to close to what was  _ his _ .

Jiyong had long forgotten what he club they had been in was called or how they had actually ended up where they were — but it was hot, the atmosphere was amazing and they were having fun. Seunghyun was standing at the bar in the VIP section, throwing back another drink as his eyes continuously remained glued on Jiyong before he forced himself to look somewhere else so people wouldn’t pick up that he was practically eye fucking his oh so platonic band made. — Just that Jiyong could feel it whenever Seunghyun’s intense eyes were boring into him, when he was looking at him with hunger. He could even feel the presence of the other man in the room whenever he did  _ not _ look at him and that made him shudder. 

He was already tipsy — more than tipsy actually, and he was dancing on the dance floor. Random people tried to pull him in, to get his attention, but Jiyong just laughed, brushing them off and continued to dance. It was fun — to stand in a crowd and just dance while you were completely shit faced, and getting flirted with  _ was _ an ego boost, but he also knew that much like himself, Seunghyun didn’t like it when someone flirted with  _ him _ . His possessive streak always showed whenever a tall, handsome model tried to flirt with Jiyong, or a striking actor that was a bit older than he was tried to get closer to him so Jiyong only laughed and brushed them off. He never really indulged with stuff like that — the only times he  _ did _ flirt with people was when it was people Jiyong knew Seunghyun knew were no threat at all. It sounded pathetically shallow and superficial, but Jiyong getting hit on by a man in his fifties was not as much as a thread as some thirty something year old handsome dude. 

Tonight was no different — people hitting on him and him just smiling it off, maybe flirting a bit here and there but it all was harmless and as soon as he toed to close to the line Jiyong would step back and flee the scene and go back to where Seunghyun was standing at the bar, who was already looking at him with  _ that  _ look. It wasn’t the one where he was in danger, where he had crossed a line, but it was the look he got whenever he was in trouble, which meant that tonight would be on the wilder side and it already made Jiyong’s blood pump. 

He reached for the drink Seunghyun had gotten for him, standing next to him. “I thought I told you not to flirt with people.” — Seunghyun kept his voice as low as possible. No need for other people to hear what they were talking about even though the chances were slim of someone actually understanding them. Sometimes being a foreigner could have its perks. Jiyong leaned against the bar; his eyes scanning Seunghyun to see if there was any sign of him actually being bothered of the slight teasing, but he could detect none of that. 

“Well,” he tossed back the shot of tequila, immediately reaching for the second one — downing that one as well. He looked up at Seunghyun with the innocent look he always gave him when he knew he misbehaved and he knew that he would get bend over Seunghyun’s knee as soon as they were at home. Or at their hotel that was. “—I was merely talking to a few young gentleman, making polite conversation. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Seunghyun squinted his eyes at him before he looked around as if to make sure that no one was watching them — and then he leaned into his personal space so close Jiyong could almost feel his lips on his neck. “If I were you I would stop, you know  _ exactly _ what I am talking about. Stop playing and I might go easy on you tonight,  _ understood _ ?”

Oh, Jiyong understood all too well. The innocent look on his face still intact, eyes bit and lips slightly parted, and then he tossed one cute smile at Seunghyun, before skipping off with one goal in mind; finding someone to flirt with so Seunghyun would definitely  _ not _ go easy on him. He loved it when Seunghyun got a little bit rougher with him after all.

* * *

It was exactly two hours, a very fast drive back to their hotel, some hard spanking that involved Seunghyun’s belt and him getting bend over his knees, and some vigorous fucking later that he found himself curled up on the couch on his pyjama in his room. Seunghyun had basically dragged him there after he had been a little bit  _ too  _ friendly with one of the men in the club and he had very quickly seen and learned what it meant when Seunghyun got possessive. He had more love bites on his thighs, chest and neck than he could count and his ass was a deep red from the belt — it was worth every second of it. 

When Seunghyun had carried him into the bathroom and put him in the bath he had also put on some music in the background, shifting the atmosphere from sexual and highly tensed to calm and almost romantic. Seunghyun always got so soft and sweet after this; aftercare for him was a big thing and Jiyong was grateful for that, because he always felt extra needy. 

His legs still felt like jelly when Seunghyun and he had emerged back from the bathroom, freshly showered, hair dried, and slipped into the soft set of pyjamas Seunghyun had packed. He leaned back on the couch; the TV was on —  _ Good Evening, Ji Kwon _ was written on the screen as the music played softly in the background. 

“Everything okay?” — he looked up, body still a bit weak, but the smile was genuine and relaxed. His body felt tired from the partying earlier and from the sex — but he was still wide awake. He pulled his legs up to his knees and rested his head on Seunghyun’s shoulder as he sat down next to him. 

“Yeah, just a bit drained.”

“I was not too rough, was I? Do you want me to get some ointment?”

Jiyong chuckled. “No, I am good. Thank you though.”

“Anything else I can do? You seem a bit down, are you sure everything is okay?” 

Jiyong stopped toying with Seunghyun’s fingers for a moment — he seemed down? As if someone lifted a veil he finally realized that he did  _ indeed _ feel a little bit sad right now. It happened, sometimes. Not because of depression or anything, but because of the intense things they sometimes did in bed. Seunghyun always made sure that he was well taken care of afterwards, but sometimes, only sometimes, aftercare didn’t reach all the places inside Jiyong and he still dropped. It was not a strong down right now, but Jiyong still felt it in his whole body. He felt fatigued, his limbs heavy and all that, but he wasn’t tired. His mind was mostly empty right now of the things that usually plagued him. It always was like that after a session, which was also part of the reason why Jiyong loved this so much — it relieved a lot of tension and made him feel more relaxed than anything else could. 

It just sometimes happened that he felt emotionally vulnerable afterwards. 

He didn’t even needed to say something and Seunghyun was already on his feet. 

“I think I know something that always manages to cheer you up! It’s only something small, but I know you can’t resist it —” and then he was dancing. Or whatever else it was the he was doing — it was on old song that played in the background, maybe from the 1940s? God, Jiyong had no idea right now — his mind was still empty, but Seunghyun somehow still managed to dance to it. He did over dramatically ballet poses, twirling around like a prima ballerina — he even jumped around and bowed to Jiyong and — oh god, Jiyong couldn't stifle his giggles anymore. His hand shot up to his mouth as he tried to keep quiet, but the poses Seunghyun was striking, as well as the eyebrow wiggles and him pulling the most comical faces made it impossible. 

This was too good not to share. His mind still was a little bit sluggish, but he just  _ had  _ to share this — everyone deserved to see Seunghyun dance like this in his pyjamas in his hotel room at four in the night! It was his childish pride and antics that often showed after sessions where he had felt vulnerable, a side effect so to say, but it always helped him relax to sometimes play pretend and Seunghyun always indulged with it, making sure that he was alright and that he was taken care of. He quickly pulled out his phone and opened the camera, filming Seunghyun for a few seconds as he danced through the room — it was only barely lit in the room, but just enough to clearly see what the hell Seunghyun was doing and then the video was done. 

“I’m gonna post it!” — his mood increased. He could show the world how good of a boyfriend Seunghyun was being. How he was making him laugh with his weird dances, even if it was during the early morning hours. — Seunghyun looked at him, a warm smile on his face.

“Can I see the video before you post it?” Jiyong nodded and proudly showed him the video he had taken and Seunghyun ruffled his hair.

“Alright, you can post it.”

Jiyong beamed. 

“You are the best boyfriend!”

* * *

* * *

Things weren’t always a ray of sunshine, rainbows and so on — he knew that. But ever since two days ago, something had been off between them. It actually had been going on all week and Jiyong hated it, especially because he didn’t know what exactly it was. 

Okay, maybe he did know what it maybe could be — the thing was, the tour could be exhausting at times. While they often had a few days break between the concerts, they also often had them back to back with long flights in between and jetlag hitting them hard. Besides, sticking together like they did all the time with barely any room for privacy, safe for when they were in their own hotel rooms at night, was  _ tiring _ . Jiyong didn’t know how the hell they all had managed to live together in the dorms as they had without murdering each other — then again there had been various incidents where at least three of the members were screaming, one was banging pots and pans to get them to shut up and the last one tried to hide away in another room with pillows shoved over their face so  _ maybe _ it had always been like that. 

It didn’t really help that Jiyong would still always want to be with Seunghyun at night — he knew he was being needy, but after coming down from the stage where thousands and thousands of people had cheered for you all night long to your empty and silent hotel room often felt like a punch in the gut. It was like a scene with no aftercare; at least the aftermatch often felt quite like it so Jiyong often curled up in Seunghyun’s arms and vice versa with them simply talking quietly to each other. Encouraging words, loving words. Anything they wanted to say to each other so they would feel less alone, and it always had helped him  _ so much _ . But ever since a week ago Seunghyun had needed space — they had talked during the three day break they had the other week before they moved on to the next tour date and Jiyong had understood why Seunghyun needed some time for himself, because it  _ was _ tiring. Sometimes you just needed some time to collect yourself, to simply recharge alone in your room and let everything else settle in around you and Jiyong told him that he shouldn't worry. He understood and would simply wait for Seunghyun to come back to his hotel room in a day or two and Seunghyun had seemed relieved at that.

But now it was a week — and Seunghyun didn’t seem like he was going to come to his bed tonight either and it was clawing and tearing inside Jiyong, causing havoc. He didn’t want to push Seunghyun into coming back, he knew that the other one sometimes simply  _ needed _ a little bit of space and a handful days was not something to feel this worked up about. 

But then again it had been a week and Jiyong had started to get pissy and had snapped at the staff more than once since two days ago. He didn’t like it that he was being such a brat, he really didn’t like it, but he couldn’t help himself. Seunghyun was playfully bullying Daesung all the time, putting an arm around his neck and all that stuff like he  _ always _ did, but now it bothered Jiyong and he couldn't control his facial features, not even during their concerts. — The others tried to cheer him up, sensing that something was off, but it only worked for as long as they were on stage. As soon as the curtains came down again, Jiyong felt the punch in the gut again and he retreated back to his room. 

Normally, he loved to go to after show parties — to celebrate the night and drink a few glasses, but not when Seunghyun either was not with him, or was not waiting for him in bed to come back to. It didn’t feel right at all — and tonight it hit harder than usually. 

The second he stepped off the stage, he made a beeline for the makeup room. He just wanted to get all the glitter and eyeliner off his face and take a long shower so he could fall into bed and be dead to the world until the next morning came. He even ignored Youngbae who wanted to pull him along to a restaurant he had found and wanted to go to; he also ignored both Seunghyun’s. 

He just wanted to be left alone right now and feel miserable for himself. 

They makeup soon was gone and he quickly pulled off his clothes, changing back into his own. — By now he had no fear of changing clothes with so many staff members around. After being on tour for so long, you slowly lost all your hang-ups about your own body. Well, except for Seunghyun. His boyfriend still had a private room to change in and normally Jiyong loved to slip in — officially to have a talk from rapper to rapper about the show; but inofficially they more often than not ended up making out heavily behind the locked door, sucking each other off. But not today — he even brushed Seunghyun off when he popped out his head of the changing room, calling him over to talk to him. But even then, he just walked to the van waiting for them so they could drive back to the hotel. 

In the car, the youngest of the group was joking as always and Youngbae laughed loudly — Daesung was sitting next to him; normally that place was reserved for Seunghyun. He leaned his head against Daesung’s shoulder — he needed some kind of comfort, even if it was just a platonic hug; and it helped. Daesung patted his head affectionately and Jiyong smiled — Daesung was truly an angel in disguise sometimes. 

He closed his eyes and nodded off. The next time he opened his eyes they were back at the hotel and Daesung was carefully waking him up.

“Jiyong, wake up. We are back — just a bit more and you can fall into your bed and sleep for good, okay?” Once more, Daesung offered him a reassuring smile and Jiyong forced himself to return it. He yawed soundly as he climbed out of the car and stepped into the elevator — only now did he realize that Seunghyun was staring at him; he could tell the other man was worried about him and that he wanted to talk to him once more, but Jiyong just brushed him off again.

“I am fine, don’t worry. Just exhausted from the tour.” 

“—Ji, are you sure?” Seunghyun put his hands on Jiyong’s forearms, stroking them and Jiyong hated himself for how much it made his heart beat. It had only been a week and he already felt touch starved for the other man. He wanted him to come to his room and hold him, hug him and cling onto him all night long. Fuck — he really hoped Seunghyun would feel better soon, but until then he wouldn’t say anything.

“Yeah, just exhausted.” he pulled his arms away, the elevator stopped and the doors opened with a ding. “See you guys tomorrow—” he didn’t look back as he stepped out of the elevator. It wasn’t often that the members ended up on different levels, but this time around it had happened — Seunghyun was the only one who was on the same level as he was, which felt like a cruel joke to Jiyong, because at night he had stared at the wall, thinking about how Seunghyun was sound asleep like a baby by now probably and he was still wide awake. 

He walked up to his room and felt the looming presence of Seunghyun right behind him, but he didn’t look back. “Goodnight, Seunghyun.” —and before Seunghyun could say anything, Jiyong closed the door behind himself, cutting him off.

He sighed deeply.

He really needed a shower now.

* * *

The hot water had worked wonders on his stiff neck and aching muscles — this was one of the perks of touring. They always stayed in top notch hotels, with the best showers there was and that meant relaxing baths and super comfortable beds every night. The bathroom was steamed up from the hot water it was still hot in the room — Jiyong decided against clothes and simply threw on the fluffy bathroom robe he had taken into the bathroom with him. 

The door opened to his bedroom and he was ready to plant face first into the soft duvet of his bed, but stopped in his track when he saw that for one, the light wasn’t turned up completely anymore, but it was dimmed, and two, he was not alone anymore. 

Music was playing softly in the background, there were candles everywhere and it smelled amazing — his eyes roamed through the room and saw two bottles of wine sitting on the table, right where the food had been placed. A dinner for two. Something tugged inside his heart — there was only one person who would do this.

“Seunghyun?” — he walked further into the room and looked around, only to find Seunghyun barreling into his room with a key card in hand and a one of his bags in the other. 

He smiled warmly, before he carefully placed his bag on the ground suddenly looking a bit unsure of himself — he looked like a puppy that feared of getting shouted at. 

“Is it okay if I sleep here the night? I wasn’t sure and if you were even hungry, but they have amazing italian dishes here and thought you might like it — oh and wine! If you are in the mood for it that is and—”

Jiyong felt how his mood got lifted, the longer Seunghyun talked. He looked so adorable he could eat him up — but he hated how self conscious Seunghyun was being so he shut those insecurities down and simply kissed him. He sighed deeply into the kiss; god he had missed this. They hadn’t really been intimate all week long — not even kisses.There was rarely time for that backstage; besides, they couldn’t just kiss out in the open so the only time they  _ could _ kiss was when they were behind closed doors and since Seunghyun had been in need of space, that hadn’t really been possible. He pushed himself against Seunghyun; wanting to feel him as close as possible right now and Seunghyun laughed into the kiss, pulling him closer by his hips. 

It felt so good to be close to him like that again oh god. 

They seperated and Seunghyun chased his lips, pressing another kiss against them before he pulled Jiyong forward to the food. It was placed on the table close to the bed with candles all over them and wine waiting for them and it looked  _ amazing _ . Only now did Jiyong realize how hungry he actually was — he tended to forget that from time to time. To eat. Not because of some weird diet or whatever, but simply because he was so busy sometimes that he simply forgot about it and worked through his meals without noticing and he would often end up only eating when Seunghyun reminded him to do so. 

The food truly was amazing and Jiyong ended up wolfing it down more than actually enjoying it, but Seunghyun just laughed and smiled at him, telling him to eat up. He even gave him some of his own dish, which was something — if you truly knew — he very rarely did. 

When they were done with the food they relocated to the bed — taking the wine and some of the candles with them. There was a small table close to the bed where Seunghyun placed everything on and he simply pulled it a bit closer so they could relax in bed and enjoy the wine and the candle light. — Jiyong was still in his bathrobe, but he really was too lazy to go change into something else, especially if Seunghyun was next to him right now, looking amazing even after such a long day. 

They were kissing again — Jiyong could taste the wine on Seunghyun’s tongue and everything felt hazy and hot, but they weren’t rushing anything right now. This was not about getting off, it was about enjoying each other again, after not being able to touch at all for a week straight and Jiyong felt how things slowly got put into place again. The thing that had felt off between them especially during the past two days was this — the closeness. Jiyong needed some form of affection, even if it was just a quick good morning and a short goodnight kiss — but going cold turkey like they had during the past week was enough to make him feel like shit. 

They were both curled up under the blanket — it was cozy and toasty; just perfect and their legs tangled under the blankets, but Jiyong wanted to be  _ closer _ . He pushed the bathrobe off his shoulders and undid the belt and he was naked in no time. Seunghyun helped him toss the bathrobe aside — and then his hands slipped down to his own shirt and pants. It was more of them laughing than it being sexy, but then again, tonight it wasn’t about sexappeal or to get off quickly. Jiyong for once didn’t really feel like having sex tonight either, he just wanted to feel Seunghyun’s warm skin on his own and curl up in bed with his hands around him and his lips on his own. 

Seunghyun was finally naked and he could feel how his boyfriend was growing hard a bit — he was, too, but Seunghyun simply pulled them close, not pushing for something sexual, but just for them to be skin to skin. Jiyong looked up at him, brushing a strand behind his ear and out of his face — he loved this so much; not having to make a big declaration of what he needed or wanted, but Seunghyun would just know. 

“Feeling better a bit?”

Seunghyun took his hand in his own and kissed the back of his hand, and his knuckles. 

“Yeah — thank you for tonight.” 

Instead of answering, he pulled Jiyong against his chest and reached back to the nightstand where his phone was — of course Seunghyun would take pictures of them; he curled up closer against his chest, leaving a few kisses on his pecs while Seunghyun took a few pictures — he also took a picture of their curled up legs clearly visible and the wine and the candles. It was sweet how proud Seunghyun was of this and how openly he beamed at Jiyong tonight. 

“The next time when I tell you I need a little bit of distance and you feel needy, please tell me okay?” — Jiyong felt his cheeks get red in embarrassment. “I don’t want you to suffer, just because my social battery is low, alright? Besides,  _ talk to me _ . Stop being stubborn, if there is something that is bothering you please tell me. I am pretty good at reading you by now, but I don’t always pick up things fast you know.” 

Jiyong buried his face in Seunghyun’s neck again, groaning in embarrassment. “Alright, alright!” — he wanted to just crawl under the sheets to be honest. His cheek was still pressed against Seunghyun’s warm chest and he could feel the rumble and the vibrations when he started to laugh wholeheartedly. 

“Good — I hope you didn’t plan anything tomorrow on our day off by the way.”

Jiyong perked up at that. “Oh? — and why is that?”

“Because for one thing, I want us to sleep in like we always do and I want you to relax, which is why I looked up current exhibitions, because this is one of our things we do  _ and _ we will go shopping tomorrow afternoon as well.”

Jiyong shook his head. “Alright — if that is what you planned then we shall do it.” There was another smile that tugged at his lips. “—but only if we end up like this tomorrow night, too.”

“We definitely will — oh! Which reminds me—” Seunghyun reached for his phone again and Jiyong craned his neck to see what his boyfriend was up to. He wanted to roll his eyes when he saw he had opened Instagram; sometimes he wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse that he had talked him into creating his own account; but when he saw what Seunghyun was doing he decided it was a blessing. 

The picture he had just taken of their legs under the blankets and with the wine and the candles in the background; he posted it on Instagram. No caption needed. Now Jiyong was grinning — smiling one of his stupid smiles. Again, it was the small things that mattered the most, and Seunghyun posting about them on SNS was definitely one of the bigger things.

Seunghyun put away the phone, blew out the last two candles and shut off the light. Jiyong was still smiling like an idiot when his boyfriend pulled him up against his chest again, and he was still smiling when he fell asleep after another ten minutes of slow kisses.

* * *

* * *

With the tour coming to an end (at least before the final leg started), something else was approaching — something Jiyong didn’t even want to think about for longer than 0.3 seconds, because he just knew that he was about to burst into tears then. Seunghyun was honestly not doing much better — the older man was worrying so much these days about enlistment, about Bigbang, the hiatus they would go through, how his own depression had been acting up in the past few weeks and about their relationship. 

To Jiyong, these fears seemed irrational — at least that was what he continually told himself; that there was nothing to worry about, that they would be fine — that the group would be fine and that they as a couple would get through the separation. Loads of couples were able to get through it — but then again Jiyong didn’t know many same sex couples who had to go through the military service together like they had to.

Originally, they had planned to enlist together, but Hyungsuk had foiled their plans. There were negotiations, a new contract, that was hanging over their heads and more than once Jiyong had cried out of frustration during those meetings with their boss. They had wanted to enlist together, but Hyungsuk wanted Jiyong to make another album, another tour, before he enlisted — because, who knew what it would be like after they came back from the military? What if their careers would be over?

It had made Jiyong so angry — Hyungsuk knew how easy it sometimes was to make Seunghyun feel bad about something, especially if that something was Jiyong. He had to use everything in him, not to jump at Hyungsuk in that moment and to pull Seunghyun out of the meeting when he had told them that the reason why their careers could end sooner was because of Seunghyun being selfish and wanting to enlist with  _ the  _ G Dragon, who could easily do another album and tour, before he went on hiatus for 20+ months. 

So that was how they ended up with their new contracts.

Another five years at the label, another album, and another world tour, before he could enlist. Which meant roughly a gap of 12 months between Seunghyun’s and Jiyong’s enlistment. 

12 more months of them not being able to meet up regularly. 

Jiyong had already hated it when he had been on tour with his solo  _ One of a Kind _ for a couple of months through Asia and they had only been able to meet up so many times and to actually spent time together, but — thirty plus months in total? Jiyong felt sick just thinking about it, and Seunghyun did too. 

When they came home that they, they both broke into tears. It fucking hurt — and it didn’t make it better that there still were so many months left before Seunghyun would enlist, because that meant more time for both of them to think way too much about Seunghyun enlisting and everything that was connected to it.

They eventually stopped crying, but Jiyong knew they still felt like complete shit so he did something that always helped in these kinds of situation. Music — and being close to each other. He walked over to his speakers and put on a slow song — one that was melancholic enough to fit the moment, but one that would not pull them down again.

Seunghyun looked at him with big fragile eyes as if asking what he was planning, but instead of answering Jiyong simply took him by his hands and pulled him up from the couch, into the middle of the room. He wrapped his arms around Seunghyun’s middle and pressed his nose against his throat and collar bone and just breathed him in.

He could feel how Seunghyun was slowly relaxing — how his tensed muscles slowly loosened up and how he put his arms real tight around Jiyong, pulling him in as well and burying his own face in Jiyong’s hair.

The music around them was still slow and mellow and Jiyong started to move with it, to sway them from side to side until they were somewhat slow dancing to the music. 

It made the world seem okay, if only for a moment.

* * *

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

It was another one of those nights where it was bad again; the fear, the insecurities, everything was resurfacing again and Jiyong didn’t know how to help Seunghyun. He had not been doing well for a while now and Jiyong had done his best to support him and to cheer him up and be there for him — and it did help; but only on the surface and Jiyong didn’t know how to touch the insecurities and fears that crept deeper than that. It was hard; he wanted to help him, god he wanted to, but how could he if Jiyong himself had the same fears? How could he put on a smile and pretend everything would be okay if those fears were tearing at him as well and Seunghyun knew him all too well for him not to look right through him. 

Sometimes that was a blessing, sometimes a curse and Jiyong was running out of ideas how he could possibly help him with those fears — how he should take them away, but these fears ran so deep it seemed impossible. It was so much at once; the fear of the group disbanding, the fear of him getting forgotten, the fear of the military and one of them getting exposed because they weren’t careful enough, the fear of what could happen during the long stretches of them not being able to see each other — the list went on and on. 

Some of them came from Seunghyun‘s father — he was a man of the military and ever since he left when Seunghyun was a kid he had sparked his hatred towards the military. Which made it so much harder for Seunghyun to enlist, Jiyong knew, even though he didn’t really talk about it much. 

He was starting to lose weight, couldn’t sleep properly and more than once did Jiyong wake up at night, because the place next to him in bed was empty and he found Seunghyun crying in the living room with a cigarette between bony fingers. He couldn’t put in words how much that hurt. 

So he talked to Youngbae. The other man had been his best friends since the cradle and he always offered another point of view on things — besides, he would be away from Hyorin for so long, too — he must have fears, too — right?

Talking to Youngbae about this made everything seem a little bit less hard and depressing, and he also got some good advice that could maybe help them overcome some of the fears that were eating away at them. 

_ Make a song together,  _ he had said,  _ just the two of you. Something that means so much to you two that will work as a reminder that you guys are stronger than those months apart. I know you two are and deep inside you two know, too. — and plan something big after both of you are back that you two will be able to look forward too.  _

So Jiyong started to plan things — he knew that when he came back there would be negotiations about new contracts, or whatever they would decide, to make and that if they signed with YG again they would probably have to work on another album as soon as possible. There would also be the collaboration with NIKE, but that would most likely be one big event for him, since all the legal stuff would have been taken care of by Dami and her team at peaceminusone. 

Since he didn’t know the exact date when he would enlist, he also didn’t know when exactly he would be back, which made it a bit tricky to plan a secret getaway for the two of them, but he made it work, somehow. 

A secret getaway was already something special, especially if it would be somewhere they had never been before, but Jiyong  _ really  _ wanted this to be something out of the ordinary. Something that would make Seunghyun gap and blush and the happiest person ever — and he had to think back to the day he gifted him the promise ring. He still had it, obviously, and he couldn't help but think of one thing: a wedding. 

Technically it would not bind them legally in Korea, but actually being able to experience it what it would be like to get married, even if it was far from home, he would do it — the question was, would Seunghyun, too? 

Jiyong was sitting on their bad, laptop in his lap as he pulled out the promise ring and rolled it between his fingers. Seunghyun had given it to him almost two years ago and he still smiled like crazy whenever Jiyong would wear it out on red carpet events or show it off on social media — that made it pretty obvious that Seunghyun  _ liked  _ to see a ring on his finger that said that he belonged to him. He put the ring on again. Maybe them eloping on a beach in the middle of nowhere was something they needed; it definitely would be something he would look forward too and Seunghyun  _ had  _ said that even if they couldn’t get married in Korea  _ yet _ , he wanted to ring to be a reminder that they would be together forever. That he would not go anywhere — Jiyong wanted to make a gesture like that, too and he also had an idea for how to put all of this into a song. 

* * *

It wasn’t even two weeks later when he finally had everything settled — even though he did not know the exact date of when he would enlist or when he would be back, he figured that he definitely would be back for their 10th anniversary (—and even if he wasn’t he would fight tooth and nail to be there for that milestone, not even the Korean military would be able to stop him from going). It had taken him a bit to find a place secure enough for them to spent a whole week at, that would also offer wedding ceremonies for same sex couples. But he got lucky; Bora Bora. 

The website he had stumbled upon even offered a special package for gay couples, assuring safety and discretion and Jiyong was already swooning when just looking at the pictures of the locations and the resorts — private beach, private bungalows and the water was crystal clear and, my god, Jiyong wanted to have sex there. It was only a small part of the whole, obviously, but looking at that beautiful place had made him wonder what it would be like for them to go there and just be themselves for a week and actually ending up getting married! 

It was almost too perfect, but Jiyong booked it anyways — he also got a matching set of rings, because if he was going to propose to Seunghyun he was going to do it with style and that meant the right atmosphere, the perfect setting and them feeling good. He knew that if he didn’t do this right, that if he would time it wrong, Seunghyun would maybe think that he was only doing all of this so he could get married; not for their sake, but that Jiyong could call himself a married man. It was hard to explain, but by now Jiyong knew how Seunghyun’s brain worked and where his hangups of getting married had really originated from. 

So everything had to be perfect, which meant that he would first write that song with Seunghyun he had wanted to write ever since he had talked to Youngbae about it — and he already had an idea what the theme could be. 

The other day he had binged another drama — Seunghyun had been in japan for two days, meeting up with the Nawa‘s again, before he would have to enlist in a few months, which left Jiyong alone at home. He hadn't been able to come with, because he had responsibilities to take care of which meant one long, painfully boring meeting at the YG headquarters after another. He just hoped Seunghyun was having a better time than he was having at that time and when he came home, tired and needy of love, he had decided to steal one of Seunghyun’s old hoodies and watch some dramas and then was when he got the idea — the girl was talking about her love for the man or something, Jiyong was only paying attention to it halfway, but then she said something that struck a cord inside of him.

— _ let’s walk on this flower road together, until we meet again.  _

He knew that it was in relation to an old saying, but it seemed so perfect in that moment that he got up from the couch so quick he nearly fell on his face and made a beeline for pen and paper and he started to write. Jiyong always had a thing for flowers, especially daisies which partly was because of Seunghyun, so picking the theme  _ Flower Road _ for this was utterly perfect. 

Jiyong started to write — about their old times, when it was just him and Seunghyun sitting on the hardwood floor of his room, writing their first raps and lyrics, just the two of them having fun. It was where it all had started to bloom between them — when the seeds of their friendship had been planted so deep in the ground that it was the perfect fundament for something big, something long lasting. 

Because even if it was just the two of them things were good and it wouldn’t be the last of them — they had planted the flowers back then and the best was yet to come, those flowers hadn't bloomed yet. They had not reached the end of their Flower Road yet — and if one day they would reach it, they would be surrounded by flowers and trees and they would sit in a house on the countryside with Jiyong peeling peaches for Seunghyun, and Seunghyun singing this song to him, he just knew it.

Jiyong wanted to make Seunghyun see the separation in a different light. What were two years apart if they would have the rest of their life to make up for it? This would be probably the only time they would be apart for this long and maybe it had its perks — while separation hurt like a bitch, they could use it to center themselves maybe, to try to in a way enjoy the time they would be in the military. It would be the first time in years that they would be treated like normal people anyways. 

Besides, if they missed each other too much they would be able to make it work somehow. They always had — hell, they had even managed to get it on when they had been living in the dorms with no one noticing, if anyone was sneaky, then it was them. 

— he put it all into this song.

Something like a little piece of hope started to bloom in his chest. 

* * *

When Seunghyun came back from Japan, he seemed a little bit more relaxed and Jiyong just knew that Kohei and his wife had lectured him about worrying too much and had definitely given him advice on all the things that he was freaking out about. If there was something Kohei was good at, then it was giving advice on what the fuck to do when things were threatening to fall apart. He knew that because he knew that Seunghyun had called him a lot whenever things were tough between them — they hadn’t been in real danger of breaking up or anything, but after 2014 both of them had gotten extremely cautious of what  _ could  _ happen and he had talked him a lot whenever Jiyong had he were fighting. 

Jiyong did the same, but with Jaesang. He and his wife had been married since the time BigBang had debuted and he and Seunghyun hadn’t even thought about starting to date yet and after working with him and looking up to him since he was a kid it only made sense. — He still remembered the time before he and Seunghyun got together and how much Jaesang had teased him for his little crush. It had been noth embarrassing as it had been supportive. Sure, there were many queer people in the music industry — entertainment industry generally — but not all of them obviously and not all of them were supportive. But Jaesang was and had often got him ice cream or whatever whenever he had felt down, because Seunghyun had dated someone that was not him. 

He had also talked with Jaesang about the worries Seunghyun had now and what was bearing down on them and even though he had been joking when he had told him, Jiyong knew that if it came to it, Jaesang wouldn’t let them down. 

Jaesang wanted to leave the label and open up his own, he even already had a name for it — P Nation. While Jiyong was sad about not having his friend at the same label anymore, it also gave him hope. Jaesang joked about signing both him and Seunghyun and the rest of the boys under his label if YG ever lost his mind and would fire them or  _ whatever  _ else could happen, but it gave him home. Jiyong knew that technically they didn’t need a label anymore to sustain them, but it still felt nice to know that there were possibilities. He stored that information away at the back of his head. 

The music was on again — it always was when they were at home, there was always music around them. Something that was so deeply ingrained in their lives after all — and Seunghyun seemed in a good mood tonight. It was the perfect moment to start what Jiyong had planned. 

“Hyung can you come here for a moment?“ — he was sitting curled up on their bed. They were at Seunghyun’s place and it was already dark outside — Jiyong could see the streetlights and the cars outside, driving on the street next to the Han River. 

Jiyong could hear the faint footsteps approaching him and then Seunghyun rounded the corner with a glass of wine in his hand and a warm smile on his lips. “You called?“ 

He patted the empty spot next to himself on their bed; Seunghyun put the wineglass on the nightstand and joined him — a curious look already on his face. 

“I have been working on something actually and I want us to do this one together!“

“Don’t we always?“ Seunghyun looked amused.

“Yes we do, but this one is  _ special,  _ because of many reasons and because I already talked to the label  _ and  _ this is going to be a surprise song for the fans while we are enlisted and — I also want this to be something you will look forward to happen when you are enlisted.“ — Seunghyun perked up at that, trying to lean over to look at the lyrics Jiyong had already scribbled down to see where he could help with the lyrics. 

“—but that is not all.“ Seunghyun stopped and his eyes snapped up to Jiyong again, away from the paper and he leaned back.

“It‘s not?“

“Nope — but for that you will first have to read the lyrics. I already fiddled around with some beats and the boys from Flipstones helped me a bit, too, but it‘s not done yet! I want you to listen to all of this and  _ then  _ we will finish it!“

Jiyong felt a little bit proud of himself for coming up with the things he had and the look Seunghyun was giving him was all telling too — he felt proud, too and excited.

He reached over and Jiyong gave him the lyrics to read through and he knew that Seunghyun was definitely understanding what he was trying to say. What he was trying to tell him — because Seunghyun suddenly seemed relieved. Relieved and happy and his eyes were getting glassy and the smile was so sincere. 

Jiyong had totally nailed this one. 

When Seunghyun looked up he took the lyrics sheet from him again and then pulled out his phone — “Alright, and now listen to the beats and everything! You will definitely love it, because I wanted it to sound like something that would be released in spring, or early summer months. Something light and happy — but a bit of an melancholic undertone, but not too much. I want this to be a song that transports comfort, you know?“ 

He typed away on his phone until the demo popped up and pressed play and he started to sing the parts he had already come up with — the acoustic guitar riffs making it easy to find the perfect timing for the song. Jiyong could tell that Seunghyun was staring at him and he couldn’t help but look up from the sheet of paper — he had sang it so many times by now he remember the lyrics by heart and he was hit with so many emotions at once now.

Singing this song to Seunghyun while looking at him made his heart beat fast and the insides of his hands were getting sweaty. He felt like the day he had muttered his first  _ I love you  _ to Seunghyun years ago, he felt like the first time they held hands while they were walking down a street in the middle of winter with thick scarves wrapped around their necks and big fluffy beanies so no one would know who they are. He felt like they first time they made love, too — and he knew that Seunghyun was feeling it, too. 

Jiyong had felt a bit anxious about telling Seunghyun about this, but now he felt light and happy — the song really was able to make him feel like that. 

The music stopped and faded out and Jiyong’s cheeks were red and hurting from starting to smile so much — he could feel his heart beating fast as silence started to settle between them. They just looked at each other, smiling from ear to ear — until Seunghyun reached for the pen and paper and started to write down a few lines, making sure that Jiyong would not be able to see anything just yet. Obviously Jiyong tried to look over his shoulder, but Seunghyun stretched out his leg and held him back— 

“Come on, let me see! I wanna see! Please—“

Seunghyun cackled. “Definitely not! You sit there and let me write—“

“No way!“ Jiyong pushed away Seunghyun's leg, more like tried to, because Seunghyun moved again and pressed his foot against Jiyong‘s chest and pushed him back — no matter where he went, he had enough distance between them so Jiyong wouldn’t  _ see a thing _ , and it drove him nuts! He tried to move back and to leap forward, but then Seunghyun just rolled aside and onto the other side of the bed and Jiyong slowly was getting breathless from all the jumping around — Seunghyun was still laughing at him and his childish attempt at getting a glimpse of what he was writing on. 

But Jiyong had enough — he huffed one last time, before he jumped up high and right onto the other man‘s lap and stomach, pressing his whole body forward until he lay across Seunghyun and he immediately wrapped his arms and around him. 

There was no way Seunghyun could escape him now. 

* * *

In the end, they stayed up all night — rolling around in bed, laughing and finishing the song. It had been relatively easy, almost too easy, but it left such a light and warm atmosphere between them that Jiyong knew that this was it. This was the perfect moment to ask Seunghyun. 

The sun was slowly creeping up on the horizon again — the night slowly fading as their bedroom got soaked up in red and orange light, so warm it felt like spring all over. — Seunghyun was reading through the lyrics one last time, still smiling big as he nodded his head along to the rap he had written. 

“Seunghyun?“

“Hm?“ — it was similar to the time they had been in his office on the day they had gotten back together. Seunghyun was reading the lyrics, his head slowly turning towards Jiyong but eyes still on the lyrics — until he was finally done reading and they snapped up to Jiyong. It was like a déjà-vu and Jiyong had to laugh; they had made an important step back then and they were (hopefully) going to make an important step now.

He started to fidget around on the bed where he was sitting, nervous suddenly getting the better of him — he could feel the heavy weight of the ring boy in the pocket of his hoodie and how he couldn’t stop grinning. 

“Why do you look like you just got an invitation to play the leading role in a period drama?“ 

Jiyong snorted. “Oh, shut up!“ he pressed the back of his hand against his burning cheeks, trying to calm down a little bit, but his heart still was going crazy. “I, uh, actually — I want to ask you something.“

He was wearing the promise ring Seunghyun had given him on his finger and he couldn’t help but twist and turn it around a bit. “You gave me this ring almost two years ago after we got back together— “ he held up his hand, shaky fingers and all “—and back then you said that, even if we couldn’t get married yet here at home you still wanted me to see this as a promise. That we would still be together when they would finally legalize it here and that’s how I see it — a promise of you to me that you are mine and that you won’t ever stop loving me no matter what. Whenever I feel sad or when we had a fight I look at this ring — sometimes I am not wearing it, but I always have it with me, or at least close to me you know, and it makes me feel better, encased I know no matter what that you are mine — and I want to make the same promise to you, too.“ 

His fingers were shaking so bad by now that he feared of dropping the damn box — he felt hot and cold all over his body and if he was honest he was so nervous he was kinda surprised that he hadn’t puked just yet, but he swallowed all the nerves down. He didn’t want to fuck this up. 

He held the box in both hands, fingers still wrapped around the top so Seunghyun couldn’t directly see what he was holding onto just yet. 

“For the past few weeks, months even, I have seen you beat yourself up of all the what ifs and while I can’t tell you about what the future holds, I want you to be able to have one thing that makes you feel safe. We don't know what the future brings, that is true, but there is one thing I know will never change. I have loved you since I was twelve, just that back then I didn’t know how to show it — I was too scared to tell you just yet, but ten years later and we became a couple. We were separated for a few years after I moved away, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about you, you know. I missed you and always wondered what you were up to, but I tried to make the best out of the situation. I trained hard and in the end it made me stronger and it gave me the opportunity to find you again — I was able to become the leader of our group and to get you to join the label and it made me realize something.“

„Maybe those months we have ahead of ourselves have a similar purpose — to make us stronger. When we met again after those years apart, our chemistry was even better than before, and I fell in love with you all over again — it was actually kind of embarrassing, but I was just so happy that you were back in my life and that you and I could work on music  _ together _ . I am absolutely positive that even if we won’t be able to see each other much during enlistment, that we will make it. Think of it as a flower road we are walking on — look around and enjoy your time and when you are done I will still be here, waiting for you.“

He slowly moved his fingers, opening the box. 

“— I‘ll make a beautiful flower road for you to walk on and when you are done, wait for me at the end of it and I will come home to you.“

He carefully held the box towards Seunghyun, the rings visible.

“Because I have something big planned for us and if you want, we will walk down this path together.“ 

There was a splint of a second where Seunghyun looked so incredibly shocked that Jiyong was a hundred percent sure he had fucked up, because Seunghyun’s eyebrows shot up and his mouth gaped open and he just  _ stared  _ at the rings, not moving a single muscle. — and then tears gathered in his eyes and he started to cry as he slowly reached out for the rings and touched them with shaking fingers. He was nodding his head, pressing his lips together as his eyes darted between the rings and Jiyong; and then the remained on Jiyong and he laughed, the smile so big his eyes started to sparkle and he held out his left hand and Jiyong nearly passed out as he took the ring out of the box and carefully slipped it on to Seunghyun’s finger. 

He barked out a nervous laugh as he nearly dropped the damn thing, but Seunghyun was laughing too, and he could hear the wet noises coming from him from crying, too and one look up was enough and they burst into a fit of giggles. — He was crying now, too. Especially when he saw that Seunghyun was reaching for his hand and took off the promise ring, and carefully slipped the engagement ring on instead and then he took his hand in his. Rings touching and then their lips. 

Kissing your fiancé for the first time surely was an experience Jiyong would write songs about for the next decade at least.

* * *

* * *

When Nike had contacted him and asked him for a collaboration, Jiyong had needed a moment to process everything. — while he was used to brands wanting to collab with him, or have him in one of their commercials or  _ whatever  _ this was something different. This was almost personal in a way he hadn’t expected, because ever since he had been a kid he had loved a special pair of Nike’s — the one Seunghyun had gotten him as a present after they graduated Middle School, and now Nike was offering him to customize exactly that pair of shoes and he was totally freaking out about it. (Especially when they also sent him a customized pair of Nike’s just for him — One of a kind and Jiyong totally loved them! So much, that he asked Nike if they could maybe, just  _ maybe  _ make another pair in a different shoe size. — He was thankful when they didn’t ask who the pair was for, because there was no way he could possibly describe how he wanted one for Seunghyun as a present when they had both finished their military duty and came back home from the Flower Road they had walked on until that moment. Because there was no way he could explain that without it sounding extremely homoromantic or homoerotic).

He wanted this to be something good — something artistic. Something that was different and that would inspire a lot of people, young people, to go their own way and to achieve big things and to cultivate their mind and dreams and he already had a wonderful concept for the shoe. Jiyong had spent so much time with doodling on shoes until he finally settled for the final design and he loved the idea of what was behind his design; how the black color would eventually wear off and would reveal the true potential of the shoe — but still, there was something missing and he couldn't really put his finger on it what it was. There would be three different versions of the shoe — the one with the white Nike swoosh, which would be sold worldwide; the one with the red Nike swoosh, which would be a korean exclusive; and the one with the yellow Nike swoosh, which would be for family and friends only. 

So that was already something special, next to the design of the shoe and it’s meaning, but  _ something _ was still missing and he couldn't for the life of him think of what it was that was missing. He spent hours and hours staring at the design of the shoe, looking at it from different angles, seeing if maybe that would help his brain come up with something, but nothing. 

After another unproductive day of throwing paint at a canvas at his studio, when Seunghyun finally showed up — they had been texting all day long. Seunghyun sending pictures from when he was at a photoshooting and silly videos he recorded of himself and the filters he used and Jiyong send sulky selfies of him whining about not being able to finish the design properly, because  _ something  _ was still missing and he just didn’t know what it was. When Seunghyun had told him that he had an idea Jiyong nearly jumped out of his seat in excitement, but then Seunghyun suddenly didn’t answer him anymore and Jiyong felt close to crying again. 

How dare he say something about having a wonderful idea for his design and then ignore him? That bastard, he better had a good explanation for his behaviour. 

When Seunghyun finally arrived he had one of his shit-eating grins on his face and Jiyong groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Whenever Seunghyun looked like that he would either be proposing something incredibly stupid; or something utterly amazing — but right now he felt as if it would be something from category one.

“Can we skip the part where you make a huge deal out of the idea you have and we move on to the part where you just tell me what it is?”

“Nope, because I am sure you will definitely love this!”

“Oh, will I?”

“Yes you will.”

Jiyong sighed, slowly getting annoyed at his fiancé. “Care to elaborate why you think I will be so taken with your idea? I must say right now I am not really impressed.” He rested his head on one hand while his elbow rested on one of his knees. 

“Oh, you will love it, because it is something from when we were still in Middle School and therefore also has a deep connection to the design of this shoe and the shoe in general and also kinda to  _ us _ .”

Jiyong perked up at that. “Come again?”

Seunghyun’s grin was back and Jiyong felt like strangling his adorably cute boyfriend any second now. “Can you close your eyes for a moment?”

Jiyong had a sense of dèjá-vu. Seunghyun had said the exact same thing when he had gifted him his first pair of Nike Air Force 1 — packed into this wonderful shoebox that was covered in pictures and doodles and everything. Maybe he should do something similar?

He quickly closed his eyes and waited for something to happen — he was about to open his eyes, annoyed when nothing happened for a few seconds, but then he felt a small thin  _ something  _ being placed in the palm of his hand. It almost felt like a piece of plastic? The shape was odd though and Jiyong had no idea what it could be.

“You can open your eyes now.” 

Jiyong immediately looked down to the strange object in his palm and his free hand immediately shot up to his face, covering his mouth in shock and ecstasy. There, in his palm, was the single daisy Jiyong had picked all those years ago. The one where he had ripped off the very first petal as he was playing a round of ‘he loves me’. It was pressed between two sheets of some type of plastic, perfectly conserving it until the end of time and then the tears were falling. 

He had completely forgotten about this little flower until now, but now he remembered how he had told Seunghyun to give it back to him. How embarrassed he had been when Seunghyun had caught him with the flower and how he had tried to come up with a bullshit excuse as to why he was plucking flowers and ripping of their petals.

He looked up at the Seunghyun that was now sitting in front of him — this memory of them at the river sitting between daisies felt like it had happened a lifetime ago and in a way it had. It had been over fifteen years now and Seunghyun still had the flower. 

“You still have this?” His voice was small and weak and god, he was really getting this emotional over a damn flower, was he? 

“Of course, I promised to give it back to you after all, or did I not?”

A tight-lipped laugh escaped him, before he laughed in earnest. This was what he had needed, something that would make the design perfect. Seunghyun had been right.

He pulled his boyfriend closer by the collar of his shirt, kissing him deeply as they both smiled into the kiss. His left hand never let go of the flower, while his right hand found its place on Seunghyun’s chest, right over his beating heart.

“Plus, if you look at it — in a way it is another sign for peaceminusone. Daisies are a sign of peace, are they not? And one petal is missing — representing the ‘minus one’.” Seunghyun grinned at him again and Jiyong couldn't contain his happiness. His boyfriend really had found the absolute perfect contribution; not only to this collaboration, but to his own label and the he just couldn't contain his pride and happiness he felt right now. “I totally nailed this one, didn’t I?” — all Jiyong could do was kiss his boyfriend senseless until their lips were red and swollen, until they felt dizzy and their cheeks were flushed red. 

And just because he could, Jiyong went down on his lover, just to show him how fucking  _ thankful  _ he really was to have him in his life. 

* * *

* * *

It was abstract and almost comical. When they first had gotten together this had been so far away, something that they would eventually have to go through, but neither of them had ever truly thought about it — and now this moment had arrived and Jiyong didn’t know how to handle it. None at all. He had been separated from Seunghyun before, sure — he had been on solo tours and all that stuff, but 21 months apart like that? Plus he would have to do his solo tour and everything and then he would have to enlist for twenty one months, too which meant they would be apart for such an incredibly long time and Jiyong was scared shitless. 

Fuck, he knew he had put everything into the whole Flower Road thing and he knew he had  _ so much  _ planned for them after enlistment, but now anxiety was creeping up inside of him again. — which was understandable, no one would be happy about not seeing their partner for that long.

He loved Seunghyun so much that it hurt — he was too dependant on the other man, he knew it, but he couldn't help it. He  _ needed _ Seunghyun in his life, he needed him around him and he couldn't properly function without him. He knew that it wasn’t healthy, but shit, he loved this man and he needed this man to love him back or he would wither like a flower. Seunghyun and he had long conversations about this more than once — enlistment, because Seunghyun was just as scared as he was — before Jiyong had proposed. The older man had had trouble sleeping and eating regularly during the months before his enlistment and Jiyong had worried so much about him — hell, he still did, and he would only stop when he was finally back home with him after they were both done with their military duty. 

Right now he just wanted to grab Seunghyun and shut them both off from the rest of the world, to get away with him to use every single second he had left with his boyfriend, but his thick-headed boyfriend had other plans. He had seriously planned a trip to god knows where during the last week before his enlistment to clear his mind and get away from everyone one last time — without Jiyong. Which meant there would be even less time for them to spent with each other and today was the last day before Seunghyun boarded the plane and Jiyong felt like crap. Shit, he felt worse than that, he felt like crying every single second now, but he had to pull himself together — they were at his goodbye party after all and so many people had come; friends, family, colleagues, you name it. Everyone had come to say goodbye to Seunghyun and wish him all his best for the time when he was serving and Jiyong had to pretend to be happy, that he was thrilled to be here tonight when he was anything but. 

It was so hard to see Seunghyun right now, surrounded by friends and family, when he knew their time was very limited and it hurt so fucking much that Seunghyun would board that stupid plane without him. They had also talked about that — and Jiyong understood, he truly did, but now he was panicking, because Seunghyun was leaving. He was leaving Jiyong, and he was scared shitless that maybe, just maybe Seunghyun would forget about him. That he would meet someone else while he was enlisted and decided that Jiyong was too much work; that he was too clingy, too much work, too annoying, too much everything. Because Jiyong knew that he was a piece of fucking work, but he was clinging onto the thought of what Seunghyun had said. — That, no matter what, he would always choose Jiyong. That even if they couldn’t meet up or talk regularly, that he would always love him and come back home to him.

But that didn’t change the fact that Seunghyun would be gone and Jiyong would be alone and he didn’t want to be without Seunghyun — he hated to be apart from him and he didn’t know how he would be able to work without having his better half around. 

He knocked back another drink — he couldn't remember how many he already had and he didn’t care he felt like crap and just wanted to drink his sorrow away. He wanted to forget the pain he was feeling right now just for a moment so he drank — and drank, and drank. 

Time passed, people came and went away again — people he knew, people he liked, people he hated, strangers; everything blurred together at some point and then the tears were falling. The tears were falling and he couldn't stop them — instead he threw his glass on the ground and sobbed; gut deep sobs that rocked through his whole body and then there was someone beside him. It wasn’t Seunghyun — his boyfriend could never really comfort him in any way when they were out in public like that, he always had to pretend to be just a friend and not a worried lover and right now that felt like someone was tearing into his chest, cutting it open and ripping his heart out. 

His vision was blurry as someone talked to him — was it Dara? He couldn't really see, he was crying too hard and his words were slurred. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying he just could feel how he was screaming and how Dara dragged him out of the club and towards a car — the door was already open and it was only a few more steps, but Jiyong didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to leave Seunghyun, he wanted to be at his boyfriend’s side and just hug and kiss him and hold onto him until the end of time — and then he tripped and he tried to hold onto something and then he heard Dara scream in pain. 

Shit, he had accidentally held onto her hair — he wanted to open his mouth, but someone else already grabbed him by his collar and pushed him into the car, throwing the door shut behind him. 

He was driven home and Jiyong felt like fainting. 

* * *

* * *

When Seunghyun had boarded that stupid plane, Jiyong had been sure that he wouldn’t see Seunghyun again — for years probably, but he still couldn’t help himself but basically beg on his knees for Seunghyun to meet him just one more time before he had to leave for good.  _ Just one more time, please, I need to see you _ . Those were his words. 

He knew that Seunghyun was back, because today he would get his haircut and he just had to see him. 

Seunghyun was posting on Instagram — some nonesenes about not being able to meet the members because it would hurt too much to say goodbye, and Jiyong was so pissed off because of that. What kind of nonsense was that? Was Seunghyun out of his mind? — Shit, was this really happening? Jiyong felt how panic was raising in his body once again, similar to what had happened at the party, but so much worse — his eyes teared up and he was crying again as he typed a comment under the post with his private account. He knew that Seunghyun would not be able to ignore  _ that _ . Because this was something public, and Jiyong knew that it was a dirty move, but he was  _ desperate  _ for fucks sake — he needed to see him just once more. 

Just once more. 

He was clinging onto his phone as he finally got a message from Seunghyun. It was short, but it sent Jiyong’s heart almost into cardiac arrest — Seunghyun had sent him the address of Taehyun’s private saloon, which meant that he was there and within seconds Jiyong sprang to his feet and ran out of the door, probably half crazed. He had snatched a jacket and a beanie and he was on his way. Jiyong was sure he probably broke a speed limit or two, but he didn’t care — Seunghyun was more important. Seunghyun was here and wanted to see him, too — one last time.

One moment he was still at home, the next he stumbled into the saloon — tear tracks still visible on his face and legs shaking and then Seunghyun was there, pulling him into a tight hug as tears started to stream down his face again, probably soaking into his fiancé’s shirt — but he didn't care. Nothing was important right now; not the tears on Seunghyun’s shirt, not the people in the room that were probably watching, not the military — nothing.

Just him and Seunghyun in that moment and how tight Seunghyun was holding him right now. 

“My love, always making a scene.” His words were so loving and full of adoration that Jiyong couldn’t help but laugh. He carefully looked up at Seunghyun and he teared up again. 

“I’m G Dragon, what did you expect?” 

Now it was Seunghyun’s turn to chuckle. “Come on, let’s start with the haircut and turn me into Spock.” 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later and the haircut was done and even now Jiyong couldn’t help but ogle his boyfriend. Even with hair cropped so short he looked so handsome and Seunghyun had cracked so many jokes, making Jiyong laugh and lightening up the atmosphere around them that Jiyong had almost forgotten what all of this was about. — Almost, but seeing Seunghyun like that helped him to get ready for what was about to come. This way he could take in every little detail of Seunghyun one more time, edging everything deep into his memory for all those months they were apart. 

“Hyung! One last picture — okay?” 

He didn’t wait for Seunghyun to answer and instead pushed his phone into the hands of their hairdresser for almost a decade now — she was smiling brightly, while rolling her eyes at Jiyong. Taehyun just chuckled and pushed Jiyong towards his boyfriend, who was already waiting for the picture to be taken. Jiyong curled up next to him — linked his arm with Seunghyun’s like he has done already a thousand times before and suddenly the tears were back. He was still smiling brightly, but he couldn't stop the tears forming in his eyes as he cuddled up against Seunghyun’s side, resting his head on his shoulder and Taehyun took the first picture of them — and now the tears were flowing and Jiyong had to look the other way as he buried his face even deeper in Seunghyun’s shoulder and Taehyun took a few more pictures. 

Moments passed and he could hear hushed voices in the background, and then they were alone. He took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to stop his tears, but it was so incredibly hard, but then he could feel fingers underneath his chin and Seunghyun tilted up his head and he gave in. He looked up at the love of his life and he didn’t have to say a single world — Jiyong knew what he wanted to say; they barely needed words anymore these days. They knew each other so well; knew each other’s opinion on nearly every topic, knew each other strengths and weaknesses — they simply knew each other inside and out, and now one look was enough to calm Jiyong down. He felt how his body was relaxing, how his rapid heartbeat slowly calmed down and how his tensed muscles relaxed. Seunghyun’s tender hands cupped his face and stroke over his cheeks. 

They would be okay, he knew it. 

Jiyong reached up as well — reached up to the now shortly cropped hair and let his nails run over his boyfriend’s head. He had always loved that; ever since the first time they had had sex Jiyong had known how much this little gesture could either rile him up, or relax him. His fingers ran through the short strands a few more times. 

They would be okay. 

* * *

* * *

Jiyong couldn’t believe it — he had really done it. He had finished the tour for good now and was on his way back home from Taipei. Just two more hours and he would be at home, in his own bed, cuddling his cat and shutting himself off from the rest of the world for at least two weeks straight. He was sick of people buzzing around him all the time — and no one really paying attention to him at the same time. Jiyong had had solo tours before, but none of them had quiet felt like this. He had shut himself off in his room on several occasions and rarely talked to his manager or bodyguards, which was something he was always doing. 

He was exhausted and he just wanted to get home to his cat — and to Seunghyun.

That was the only thing that had made him pull through this — the thought of finally coming back home to Seunghyun. 

His knee was bouncing during the two and a half hours it took him to get from Taipei to Seoul and every second passed slower than the one before. It was as if time had stopped and it felt like torture — to just sit there and do nothing, when he just wanted to get off this stupid plane and throw himself into the arms of his boyfriend. The airport was busy as always; people running around, paparazzi trying to get a few good pictures of him while he was wrapped up in big scarves, beanies and oversized clothes and then he was finally ushered into the car that would drive him home.

* * *

The first thing he noticed when he opened the door to his apartment was the music — it was one of his favourites, one of  _ their  _ favourites — Tupac — which could only mean one thing; Seunghyun was already waiting for him. He hastily slammed the door shut behind him and threw his keys in the general direction of the key bowl and made a beeline for the living room — and then someone ran into him from the behind and he got pulled into a tight hug. 

Warmth spread through his body and he immediately recognized the scent — it really was Seunghyun and he was holding onto him, holding him close, while leaving a thousand kisses all over Jiyong’s face; his cheeks, his nose his forehead, the side of his chin — everywhere. 

Not a millimeter of his skin was left out and Jiyong broke.

It had been too long since he had last felt the warm touch of his lover like this — too long since anyone had been this tender with him and he just crumbled. His legs buckled underneath of him and he would have hit the ground if Seunghyun hadn’t been there to catch him — to wrap his arm around him and picked him up bridal style. Jiyong was now the skinniest he had ever been, not that he liked that, so it probably was no struggle for his fiancé to pick him up like that. He was so exhausted that he couldn’t even properly cry — instead, broken sobs escaped his lips as he buried his face in the crook of Seunghyun’s neck.

He could hear how Seunghyun was talking to him — about random stuff and Jiyong was so glad he did this. He didn’t want to talk about the tour, or about how much weight he had lost, or about the album, about any of the scandals they had been put through the year, or how he had nearly lost Seunghyun a few months ago, he didn’t want to talk about any of that — and Seunghyun knew that. He knew how Jiyong’s brain worked and that there would be a time when they would have a quiet moment between them to really talk about everything, but right now Jiyong needed calmness. He needed a distraction from what his life was like right now, needed an escape from the real world and Seunghyun offered it to him — talking about art pieces he had seen, about a song he had been working and how he would show him later, about the show he watched the other day and would definitely force Jiyong to watch it with him again, because it was just that amazing. 

His sobs slowly died down and he relaxed — even more so when Seunghyun pulled the clothes off his body and lowered the both of them into the big bath tub that was filled with hot water and bubbles and Jiyong just leaned back against Seunghyun’s chest and sighed. There was a small voice at the very end of his head, telling him that he should cover his body, hide how much his rips were poking out, how damn skinny his arms and legs were, how much he looked like death — but he didn't even had the energy for that. He simply leaned back — completely content for just a moment. He was back home with Seunghyun, reunited with the love of his life who was taking care of him with so much tenderness he nearly cried in earnest. He could feel how Seunghyun carefully tipped his head back and poured water over it so he could massage the conditioner and shampoo into it and it felt like heaven — the knots in the back of his neck got less and less the longer Seunghyun massaged the back of his head and area where his neck met his head. Once that was done he moved on to soaping him up — he massaged his back, soaping up his arms and torso, armpits and stomach; everything he could reach in the position they were in now. 

His hands moved down over his stomach to his dick and normally Jiyong would be more than happy to have his fiancé‘s hands on him like this, but he was just so fucking  _ tired _ he couldn't even entertain the thought of getting it up right now — Seunghyun must have known that, because Jiyong quickly realized that this was not what this was about. This was not about his fiancé coaxing an orgasm out of him so he could hopefully sleep better — this was Seunghyun touching every part of his body with care, making him  _ feel  _ the loved and cherished; making up for all those months of them not being able to simply touch each other and Jiyong only now realized how much he had missed Seunghyun’s hands on his body. Simply caressing his skin of his stomach, his inner thighs, his sides, his biceps and arms and finally his hands. 

He was breathing hard when Seunghyun finally pulled them out of the tub and into their fluffy bathrobes — his legs felt even weaker now than before and Seunghyun carried him to his bed, their bed. A few minutes later and they were both dressed in their favourite set of pyjamas — it was a matching set Seunghyun’s sister had gotten them as a joke a few years ago, but they both had loved it and now it was one of their favourite couple items. 

Seunghyun finally pulled him into bed, pulling his head against his broad chest and wrapping his arms around him as if he wanted to guard him against the monsters underneath the bed. 

Jiyong had to smile at that idea. 

“Welcome Home, my love.” 

Another weak smile. Jiyong’s eyes were so heavy already and Seunghyun’s natural scent was already lulling him into sleep. 

“You are my home.” 

* * *

* * *

Things had been slow between them during the past few weeks since Jiyong had been back. Seunghyun had been walking around on eggshells around him, but so had Jiyong so he couldn't blame the other man for behaving weird, if he wasn’t doing any better on his own. They had talked — at lengths. About everything. About the scandals, about Seunghyun’s depression, about him being in coma and how he had felt when he had woken up again and so much more. They hadn’t had much time after he had woken up, because Jiyong’s tour had started so knowing that Seunghyun was awake and getting better had to be enough at that time. It was probably the worst feeling — wanting to be with the man you loved more than yourself in hard times like that, but not being able to, because you had to work on your solo album, tour, promotions. Everything. But he had managed — barely. Jiyong had spent more days locked away in his hotel room than he liked to admit. They also talked about that. About Jiyong’s own depression, about how hard things had been on him and Seunghyun had held him tight, not letting go of him for the entire night they talked. 

Seunghyun had watched his documentary, too. He had cried his eyes out. 

They talked all night and into the early morning hours that day and it hurt so bad, worse than any other conversation they had ever had before, but it had to be done. If there was something they had learned in the past, then it was how unresolved conflicts could poison a relationship. It was better to target what was wrong even if it hurt and to talk things out, to eliminate the things that were wrong, before they piled up and it got nearly impossible or overcome them. 

The only time Seunghyun got up from bed was when he walked into his walk-in closet and came back with a ring box and put their engagement rings back on their fingers. Jiyong had been too scared of losing it during the tour so he had put it back inside the box and had hid it in his nightstand, plus he had lost too much weight without it nearly slipping off.

He started with Jiyong — taking his skinny fingers between his and carefully put the ring on it. Jiyong hated how the ring was now too big for his finger — to him it felt as if this ring that no longer fitted was a metaphor for their whole relationship. Like two broken puzzle pieces that no longer fit. That he was too broken for Seunghyun to even want him, or that Seunghyun would not want to be with him after everything that had happened. That he would pull away. 

But then Seunghyun placed gentle kisses on each knuckle of his hand, on their ring and smiled. It was the first genuine smile Jiyong had seen on his Seunghyun’s face in a very long time, and the tears threatened to spill. 

“I love you, Kwon Jiyong — I promised I would be by your side no matter what, and I am still here. If you still want me, I will stay by your side until the end of time.”

The tears fell and he knew he was ugly crying, but it didn’t matter. Seunghyun had seen him at his absolute worst and they knew each other in every way possible. Tears and a little bit of snot didn’t seem to phase Seunghyun — he simply reached for the tissues right next to the bed and brushed away his tears as he cried and cried. Jiyong had thought that he had already cried them all out when they had talked, but more came again and Seunghyun just held him cradled to his chest. Let him cry and sob on his shirt, brushing through his hair until he finally calmed down again. Jiyong was breathing heavily, hiccuping and snuffling as he tried to get the words out. 

“I will —” hiccup “—will always want you, want you by my side Seunghyun.” A few heavy breaths, breath shaking. “I was scared that you — didn’t want me anymore. I was so scared. That I would have lost you. That after that —” fresh tears rolled down his face and Seunghyun brushed them away again, kissing his face. 

His chest hurt and he could feel how Seunghyun was crying again, too. But the other man had made it very clear; no matter what, he would not leave. Never — and neither would Jiyong.

* * *

Things started to get better between them after they finally had that talk behind them as well. It made it easier to know what the other one was thinking again after months and months of being out of sync and not really being able to reach each other, but now they were slowly getting back to each other and to their track of mind. Everytime when they would say the exact same thing at the same time there would be this warm, dorky smile on their faces. Everytime Jiyong came home with their favourite dishes from that one restaurant they both loved and Seunghyun already waited for him with the exact same things at home, it felt like they were growing into one again. That the deep cuts and broken pieces got mended between them — they started to heal — the flowers were blooming again.

Another one of these moments was when Jiyong came back from Japan — BigBang was technically still touring. The Last Dance Tour. Seunghyun couldn't be there so it really didn’t feel like a BigBang tour, but fuck it. Only a handful of more shows and they would be done for this year and Jiyong tried to remember each show as best as he could, because those would be the last shows before his own enlistment and Jiyong suddenly understood where Seunghyun’s paranoia had came from. 

But that was something he would worry about when he would enlist, or after enlistment. 

The day he came back from Japan he had planned something special. He had talked to Youngjoo Lee — dear friend of them both and the owner of the PACE gallery — and had asked her if she would close the gallery for an hour or two that day. He told her that he wanted to surprise Seunghyun with a small spontaneous visit to her gallery and that there would be dinner afterwards, too and that she was invited, too. 

Seunghyun had told her about them a while ago — it had been by accident and Seunghyun had panicked of letting something like that slip, but she had just laughed, slapped his shoulder playfully and told him to bring along Jiyong the next time he came to the gallery and he had. Ever since then they all had been friends, and she was so excited when Jiyong asked her for that small favour. 

Jiyong hadn’t understood what that had all been about until the moment he stepped into the gallery and spotted Seunghyun there. He had wanted to meet up with Youngjoo before, asking her a few things and making sure that everything was settled — and then Seunghyun stood in front of him with the same confused and slightly shocked expression of ‘ _ What the hell are you doing here already?’ _ — and then Youngjoo came in cackling with a big smile on her lips. 

“You two idiots planned the same thing without telling the other.” Jiyong immediately stared at Seunghyun, who did the same. “—at first I thought you guys were playing a prank on me, but then I realized that you two were just two hopeless fools in love.” That made Jiyong blush, but he had to smile when he saw that Seunghyun was blushing, too and his heart suddenly fluttered in his chest. 

“The gallery is now open for you two — if you need anything you know where you can find me.” — and then they were alone in the gallery and before Jiyong could say anything, Seunghyun was in front of him — kissing him frantically. The kiss was hard and hurried, but also sweet and Jiyong immediately leaned in and buried his fingers in Seunghyun’s hair and Seunghyun wrapped his arms around Jiyong’s small waist and he could feel how the other man was smiling brightly right now. His lips curled and he did, too, because  _ really _ what were the odds of them planning the same thing? 

Practically zero. 

The kiss lingered; Seunghyun was pressing in with force, nipping at his lower lip and Jiyong sucked it eagerly in his mouth and god — making out in an art gallery, surrounded by something they both loved so much, was probably one of the best things ever. That was why he loved PACE so much — they could be alone here. Whenever they came over for a date, Youngjoo would make sure that none of the other staff members was around and that no one who she didn’t trust would be in the house or even know that they were coming over to the gallery and he took full advantage of that right now. 

They slowly pulled apart — pink cheeks and all that and simply gazed at each other for another moment, before Seunghyun took him by his skinny hand and pulled him a little bit further into the gallery and Jiyong linked his own arm with his and rubbed his face against Seunghyun’s shoulder, kissing his neck, before they started to walk around and look at the art. 

Normally, Jiyong absolutely loved to look at the art in great detail and to get caught up in the different worlds each painter wanted to show you — but tonight his eyes always came back to Seunghyun; tho that always happened a lot whenever they were out in a gallery like that. But today it was especially prominent. He couldn’t help himself. 

This was the first time after nearly losing him to see him surrounded by art again, to talk about it with Jiyong, to tell him all the things he knew and joke about small details he had picked up about the artist or the artwork. — or told him something Kohei had told him when they rounded one of his glass figures. Because really; this was something magical to watch every time and Jiyong had promised himself that he would try to completely take in every little special moment that would happen between them when he had been crying in his bed, hoping for Seunghyun to wake up, and he was committed to that thought. Maybe a little bit too much, but Seunghyun didn’t seem to complain. If all, he seemed to actively enjoy Jiyong making heart eyes at him like that all the time — there was this boyish smile again which Jiyong had not see many times. He had often smiled like that shortly before they gotten together and during the first year or two of their relationship, but then it had become less frequent for him to smile like that — but whenever he  _ did _ , Jiyong knew that this was something special so he tried to make him smile like that as often as humanly possible.

They rounded a corner to walk into the next room when Seunghyun suddenly let go of Jiyong’s hand and ran over to the window like a kid on christmas. It was so cute to watch he started to giggle and skipped after Seunghyun like a puppy to see what he was so excited about.

— and then his heart stopped for a moment. 

It had started to snow. 

The first snow always had a special meaning and during the past years, ever since they had started to date Jiyong had wanted to witness this together with Seunghyun, but for whatever magical reason they had never managed. Most of the time they had been in different parts of the world, different schedules or he was stuck at the label and Seunghyun was off filming, but this time — he hadn’t really put much thought to it. Too distracted by outer forces to concentrate on them being together on the first snow, but here they were now. Together, on a date on the day of the first snow and it made Jiyong get all emotional all over again — what had his life become? A drama that was filled with clichés and that obviously had to have a scene of them being on a date on the first snow day, because being together with someone during that time and moment meant that you would stay together forever. 

And right now he really believed it. After all the hardships they had went through, maybe this was the way of the universe to tell them that they would be together forever. 

Seunghyun looked back at him with big, childlike eyes and a smile on his face and then he ran over to him and grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the window so he was half sitting on the window sill and Jiyong was looming over him. 

“Quick — it’s snowing! You have watched enough dramas to know what this means!” — and then Seunghyun closed his eyes and put his hands together so they were touching from the lower end of the palm, up to the fingertips and Jiyong shook his head, bemused. Yes — he did know what he meant, because really, how many dramas had he watched were the first snow was something special? But what made him smile even bigger was the fact that Seunghyun knew because normally Seunghyun didn’t really like to watch dramas, but he always did whenever Jiyong wanted to cuddle and curl up on the couch on a lazy afternoon. 

He closed his eyes as well and concentrated on his wish; because if you wished for something, one thing — something specific on the day of the first snowfall it would come true and with everything that had been happening between them lately, he really believed in this. But what should he wish for? There were a thousand wishes he wanted for Seunghyun to happen and it was hard to pick one — that he was always happy, that he was always healthy, that he would finally be able to overcome his anxiety and depression so he could fully enjoy his life, that he would always be able to do what he loved, be it making music, acting, curating art, anything he wanted. 

Jiyong could feel how Seunghyun was looking up at him, but his eyes remained closed and then he finally made his wish. 

He slowly opened his eyes. Seunghyun really was looking up at him with this boyish, but innocent smile that made him look so much younger again. 

“What did you wish for?” 

The smile turned into a lopsided smirk. The innocent replaced with naughtiness. 

“Can’t tell or my wish won’t come true.” 

Jiyong cackled — his better half was too cute sometimes. 

“Alright, I won’t ask then. It must be an amazing wish for you to be this strict about it.”

The naughtiness melted away and tenderness took its place — Seunghyun reached up to his cheek and caressed it slowly as he spoke. “It is.” 

Jiyong felt his cheeks heat up at the look in Seunghyun’s eyes — he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Seunghyun’s forehead, and then another one. They didn’t need words between them anymore, Jiyong knew that they had wished for the same thing. 

Seunghyun smiled again and looked out of the window, watching as the snowflakes fell and Jiyong felt as if he was falling in love with the other man all over again. He barely registered when Youngjoo came back into the room — he was too busy with staring at Seunghyun to really pay attention to something else. 

When he did notice tho, she was already smiling at them — and Jiyong got an idea. He quickly pulled out his phone and opened the camera and handed it to her before he dive din next to Seungyun again and placed his hands at the sides of the window, Seunghyun’s food perched between his legs — he looked back and smiled at Youngoo, silently telling her to take a few pictures of them and she just shook her head laughing. Jiyong felt all warm and bubbly when he looked out of the window again and their friend took a few pictures of them. 

Youngjoo always looked so happy when she saw them together — there even was a term for it; he had seen it a lot on Instagram — was it shipping? Something like that, but it had caused him to spent several hours on that damn app to look at some of the fanarts people had created of him and Seunghyun a few years back. (He still looked them up every now and then, but no one had to know about that — besides Seunghyun of course). Youngjoo took a few more pictures, and even one where Seunghyun suddenly pulled him into a chaste kiss.

It had been sweet and short, but Jiyong still had blushed — especially when he feared Youngjoo giggle behind them. 

Still, he was happy. Especially when he got to post a picture of their date at the gallery and the dinner afterwards on Instagram. 

* * *

* * *

It was weird — so much had happened during the past year and now it suddenly was his turn to enlist and he wasn't quite sure how he should feel about that. He was still exhausted from touring, he was still exhausted from everything that had happened ever since Seunghyun had enlisted all those months ago and he desperately needed a break. As soon as his tour had finished, he had been whisked off to yet another tour — this time at least with the rest of the members, save for Seunghyun who was working now at the Museum. It made him feel a little bit better to be back home like that, but at the same time it tore his heart apart whenever the playback played Seunghyun’s verse and sometimes he just couldn’t hold back and sing along — it was especially bad during ‘ _ Last Dance’ _ . During the first show he hadn’t been able to pull himself together at all and he had cried on stage, before the song had even started. 

He was still overly sensitive to everything that involved Seunghyun — or him being away from Seunghyun for too long for that matter or hearing his voice in that song. 

He was just glad to be back home for real when the Japan Dome Tour was over as well and he had a few weeks or so off, before he had to enlist and he had made sure that nothing was planned during that time — he would sleep for a couple of days for sure and just relax. Let his body come down from the height a tour brought along and cuddle up next to Seunghyun on the couch whenever he came back from work. 

Things had been good between them during the past few weeks, but it also felt fragile in a way it hadn’t felt like for a very long time. The last time Jiyong had felt similar to this was in 2014 when they had broken up and gotten together again after two months or so. It was always like that after you had a big fight or falling out with a lover — both parties were hurt, their egos beaten, but also scared shitless because they didn't want to lose the other one. Jiyong had already told the media to fuck off when he had posted that picture of Seunghyun and him at the PACE gallery a month before. As much as Seunghyun had tried to hide it and had tried to pamper Jiyong to make sure that  _ he  _ was okay, Jiyong had seen right through him. He had seen the insecurities and how fragile his heart was right away and he would not let anyone ever close like that to Seunghyun who wanted to hurt him. Not the media, not the label, not anyone. He would protect his boyfriend and that also meant that had to pull himself together every now and then, no matter how shitty he felt, and make sure that Seunghyun knew how cherished he was and that Jiyong would be there for him, too — no matter what.

Relationships were a give and take after all. Some days your partner needed 90 percent and could only return 10, sometimes it was the other way around and you needed more support than your partner and sometimes it balanced itself out somewhere in the middle and both felt content and happy.

These days it varied from day to day — sometimes Seunghyun would be the one who had trouble to get out of bed in the morning, and sometimes it was Jiyong — and on rare occasions both of them didn’t feel like doing anything so they stayed in bed, watched a few movies and talked about their worries and fears. It helped, if only for the moment, but these moments were sacred to Jiyong and he was so relieved to hear that from his boyfriend that he was grateful for these moments, too. 

* * *

When it was finally time for him to enlist, Jiyong lowkey (highkey) bullied Youngbae into getting his hair cut at the same time as Jiyong got it cut, even though he still had a few more months until he had to enlist, but who was Youngbae to say no to him and that was how they all ended up together at Taehyun’s place again. 

Jiyong was there with Youngbae, obviously, and Seunghyun had tagged along, too. Even Dongwook had come to see them getting his haircut and it was such a stark contrast to when Seunghyun got his haircut. They were all laughing and having fun, and Seunghyun was taking so many pictures and videos of all of them — Jiyong could practically  _ feel  _ how Seunghyun focused on him most of the time and it made his heart ache. It reminded him of the time when Seunghyun had to leave, and how much Jiyong had suffered during that time. He had done the same thing Seunghyun was doing right now — he had taken so many things of Seunghyun doing mundane things like brushing his teeth, singing along loudly to whatever song was blasting in the background and not hitting a single note, or filmed him while he was preparing dinner for them. 

Seunghyun took videos of him whenever he doodled on his shoes, painted or when he would just sit there with his nose in one of the books he had piled up in his apartment, or in his house in Jeju. One time he woke up from an afternoon nap, the sun rays tickling his nose, and saw that Seunghyun was already recording him.

“You’re so cute when you sleep, you know.”

Jiyong had smiled at that — stretching his tired muscles as he did so, letting out a content sigh as he relaxed back into the bed. “I do?”

Instead of answering Seunghyun caressed his cheek and leaned down, kissing him while he continued to film them and Jiyong just let him do as he please. He knew how much it hurt after all. 

* * *

The day of his enlistment finally arrived and he was both excite as he was scared shitlessly. He was enlisting into White Skull after all, one of the toughest military bases in South Korea and he had already heard stories from older friends and colleagues what it was like to be in the military — Jiyong just hoped that not all of what they told him was true. 

He was still half asleep when he dragged himself down the stairs to where the two cars were already parked — one for his parents and Dami — the other for Seunghyun and him. 

That was another thing that had made Jiyong swoon — after all their years together Seunghyun still was this soft and delicate with him. The other man had taken a day off, just so he could accompany him to the base — to really spent every second with him until the very last moment. It was something Jiyong had wished he had done all those months ago, but it had collided with his schedule and even though he had fought tooth and nail to be with Seunghyun, he had been denied. So having Seunghyun with him this time was more than just special to him — even though Jaeho had scolded them both; saying something about endangering their public image if someone saw Seunghyun, especially with Jiyong enlisting, and something about him having to come up with a plan to make sure no one would see Seunghyun. 

They both had more or less just shrugged at that — too stubborn in wanting to have it their way — and told him good luck. Plus it was far from the first time that Jaeho had come up with an amazing plan to make sure no one caught them. 

During the ride Jaeho granted them privacy — more or less. They couldn’t really fool around or make out, but they did cuddle up in the back of the car, holding hands while whispering sweet nothings to each other and exchanging small pecks on the lips every now and then. It wasn’t much, but more than Jiyong could have ever asked for when he imagined his ride to the base. 

When they finally arrived at the base, Jaeho stopped a little bit away from everything just for a moment. Seunghyun was quick to take even more pictures — in half of them Jiyong wasn’t even looking at the camera just yet, because he hadn’t realized Seunghyun had been already taking pictures of them. When he finally did he smiled up at the camera and then Seunghyun handed his phone over to Jaeho who took even more pictures of them, before giving his phone back to Seunghyun — and then Jaeho left them alone in the car for another few moments so they could say goodbye. 

Seunghyun had a big smile on his lips. 

“I know you will do amazing like always.” He leaned forward and pulled Jiyong’s left hand up to his lips, kissing each knuckle and Jiyong felt how his pulse speed up and how the blood was rushing in his ears. 

“I am one of a kind after all, right?” 

They both smiled at each other — so many memories being tied to such a simple phrase; and then Seunghyun kissed him and Jiyong suddenly felt like the twenty something year old kid again when Seunghyun had kissed him for the first time. The same old butterflies resurfaced and spread their wings inside his chest, and stomach. He pushed forward, pouring all his love into this simple kiss and taking in every little detail, before they pulled apart again. 

“I love you. — I’ll see you again in five weeks, remember. Kick their asses for me and show the who the boss is, alright?” 

Jiyong giggled. “Alright, I will do that.”

He leaned into one last kiss. “I love you, too.”

— and then he stepped out of the car onto the parking lot. 

* * *

* * *

Jiyong should have expected something like this he really should have. After all those years together he should know that Seunghyun was just as much of a sap and softie as he was — even more so as the years went on. Seunghyun was getting softer and cuter over time, planned the cutest things for him and made the most thoughtful gestures; sometimes they were grant gestures and so big Jiyong almost feared he would out them, and sometimes they were just small, little things that made his heart pound so hard and he would tear up and cry on the spot. His Tabi was cute and he should have known he would have something planned for when he was the one who had to enlist. With all the bullshit that had happened and how terrible things had been during the past year, it also had small advantages. For one; Seunghyun was a thousand times happier working at the museum, than he could have ever been at a military base — he was surrounded by art and elder people and kids and everyone adored him and he had a normal schedule, which had been something he had never really experienced before. 

When they still had been kids Seunghyun had had a normal job — the last and only one in his life; he had worked at a shoe store, selling hip-hop related fashion and it had been hard work, especially because he had to go to school, too. But the pay was good and Seunghyun had been surrounded by stuff he loved so it wasn’t as bad as it sounded, even if the boss always took a little bit away from his wage. That had been the last experience he had of working  _ normal hours _ and even back then he had to get up around 4 in the morning to make sure all the wares would arrive on time at the store and he had to lock up the place at 9 in the evening. — and now he was working a normal 9 to 5 job for the first time in his life and Jiyong was actually really happy about Seunghyun being able to experience this. It was a structure they normally never had in their lives and it worked wonders for Seunghyun. The schedule was a thousand times less stressful as they were used to — the stress was still there, but it was different and Seunghyun still had fun most of the time and that was what really made Jiyong happy. Seeing his man happy and healthy. 

Leaving Seunghyun and for the military service had torn Jiyong apart — there was still this internal fear of waking up to another phone call like the one the year before. The one that told him that Seunghyun was in hospital and not waking up and that he could not be there for him, by his side. That was probably his biggest fear and made military life so much harder. 

So it really came as a pleasant surprise when one day he dug out his phone and saw a text from Seunghyun, telling him to go to a specific address after he was done for the day and tell the others that he would be meeting up with Dami or whoever else that would be unsuspicious. It made Jiyong’s heart pound and within five minutes he had changed out of the stiff military uniform and into comfortable sweatpants and hoodie and he high tailed out of the base. — They were allowed to leave the base starting at 5.30pm, as long as they would be back at drumroll ar 9.30pm. Weekends were less strict — they were allowed to spend time away from the base, as long as they were back by 9.30pm; if not, they had to request vacation days, which already were gonna be used for the time he had his ankle surgery so there was no way he could use one of those. Whatever, right now he really wanted to see what this was all about. 

He put on a face mask and a beanie and used one of the back doors to leave the base — he always did whenever he stepped foot out of the base, just in case some paparazzi or fan was waiting for him. Plus, he had a feeling that whatever Seunghyun had planned was not something the media should know about so he tried to be as careful as possible about it. 

It took him nearly twenty minutes and the help of his phone to find the address — as much as the White Skull base was in the middle of nowhere, there were still enough houses around to get confused about addresses. He finally found it and was taken aback a little bit — there were many family houses around and this one looked exactly like all the others. A little bit on the older side, the garden overgrown — but in the charming way and Jiyong checked the address twice to make sure he was at the right place. He even sent Seunghyun another message, asking him if he was really  _ sure _ that this was the place and his fiancé only sent back a row of numbers that made no sense to him, as well as telling him to pick up the card under the mat. 

Jiyong shrugged again and walked through the entrance gates, closing the slightly rusty door behind him and walked up to the front door — and now the numbers made sense. As much as the house looked old and vacant, it had a completely new security system; meaning you had to type in a long passcode to enter the house, as well as press the card against the sensor on the door — and then the door opened with a beep and Jiyong carefully looked inside. The house was illuminated and music was playing and it felt so much like coming home. He quickly went inside and closed the door behind him — Jiyong just was about to get out of his heavy boots when Seunghyun suddenly came around the with the biggest smile on his lips and nearly tackled him back against the door. 

He was so perplexed he just stood there for a moment. 

“Welcome home.” Seunghyun’s voice was high from being so happy and he sounded so  _ thrilled _ , it was so incredibly cute and Jiyong’s brain finally kicked in again and he returned the tight hug, burying his face in the crook of Seunghyun’s neck. 

“ _ Ohmygod,  _ what are you doing  _ here?! _ ” He clinged onto Seunghyun, holding onto him so tight it surely must have hurt, but then his fiancé squeezed him again and he could only giggle. Fuck, he had missed him so much. They hadn’t seen each other for nearly a month now and Jiyong was crying happy tears right now, because Seunghyun was here and he was real and he smelled so good and he looked amazing and he just wanted to hold onto him and never let go — but Seunghyun slowly let go of him, only to pull him into a heated kiss. Their touch lingered, both grinning brightly, before they let go. 

“I hate not seeing you so I rented this place — I was actually surprised when I found out how amazing their security works.” Jiyong could just stare and grin in awe — and then Seunghyun took him by his hand and pulled him further into the house. “Come on, you need to eat something — I cooked! You haven’t eaten dinner yet, right? You must be starving after all that training!” Seunghyun made him sit down at the dinner table and disappeared back into what Jiyong assumed was the kitchen — it was attached to the living room and he could see how Seunghyun moved around the place. He could also hear pans and plates banging and he just shook his head in disbelief — snorting. Had Seunghyun really rented this place just to see him? Had come all the way out here to cook for him? 

Jiyong finally let his eyes wander around the house a little bit; the living and dining area had been placed in the same room and you could see the kitchen from where you were sitting at the dinner table just fine. Seunghyun had pulled Jiyong through a small room where he had seen a pile of shoes and all that, through a small corridor and right into the living room, where he was sitting now. He could also see a staircase on the other side of the room and from outside it had looked as if the place was a two story house so that must be where the bedroom and bathroom was at. — He snapped back when Seunghyun came back with the food and Jiyong’s mouth watered; it was his favourite dish, something Seunghyun hated because it was basically an intestine stew, but he had made it for him and now Jiyong felt like crying again. How was one person so sweet?

The food got placed on the table — it really was his favorite intestine stew, but there was also enough kimchi and gimpab for Seunghyun to eat and Jiyong smiled. There was no way Seunghyun would ever eat intestines. Never. 

“Enjoy your devil food — hope it tastes alright, couldn't really bring myself to taste it so I hope I did everything right; I used your mom’s recipe so unless she didn’t want me to fail, it should be alright.” 

Jiyong gaped. 

The thing was, Jiyong had told his parents about him and Seunghyun not too long ago. Well, okay it had already been more or less a year ago, but they had still been weird about it for a very long time. Plus, it was not like he had planned to tell his parents about him liking men, or him being with a man for nearly a decade now, but — when he had gotten the call, telling him that Seunghyun was in hospital he had been staying at the pension. He had still been drained from slaving away at the studio, working on his album, while promoting everything, too and the emotional baggage of Seunghyun leaving had already torn him down, and the separation and the planned world tour and his own enlistment and— to put it shortly, he had been stressed out to the max and had really needed a couple of days of rest and then the bomb had dropped and it had felt as if something inside of him had died for good. 

His brain had been so overworked that he couldn't even react at first; and then all the synapses in his brain had failed him and fired up and he broke into a hysterical laugh, while tears streamed down his face and his face twisted into a painful grimace. — and then his mother found him, running up to him and asking him what was wrong; kneeling down next to him on the floor and Jiyong broke. He burst into tears like he never had before, his whole body was shaking so hard he could barely breath and he was sobbing; gut-deep sobs and he clinged onto his mother and it took nearly an hour to calm him down enough from his mental breakdown until he could finally stutter out the words “Seunghyun” and “hospital” and “not waking up”. 

He had such a breakdown that after his body had finally exhausted itself to the point where he couldn’t cry or speak anymore, that it’s temperature dropped and he was shaking like a leaf, but this time, because he was so cold. It was summer and his teeth were chattering and he couldn't do anything at all — his legs were too weak to stand so his father had to pick him up from the ground and put him into bed. 

When he woke up again, his mother was sitting next to him and his ears teared up again.

“Mom, I love him.” he had said, his voice broken to the point he could only talk quietly. “I love him so much — I can’t lose him.” 

His mom had sighed, but had taken his hand and squeezed it while stroking his cheek and that had more or less been the story of how he had come out to his mother. She had understood what he had meant, and thankfully spared him the emotional damage of having a negative reaction to this — if she would have had one, Jiyong wouldn’t have known how he would have made it through that week. But thankfully his mother had understood, or had needed time to process it, he never really asked, he had just been grateful that his mother was there for him and his father, his family. They had showed it in different ways — Dami and his mom had been around him all the time, making him eat or get out of bed for a short walk around the property with the dogs, while his father had tried to encourage him to concentrate on the album or  _ something else that was not Seunghyun _ , to which he had replied “How can I?”, only to break down again. It had been a dark time that only slowly cleared up when he got the call that Seunghyun had woken up — right on the day of his comeback. 

It had felt like a cruel joke. The universe were playing tricks on them and Jiyong had to swallow it all and try to be patient — better times would come. They had to. But that had taken until after he was done with the M.O.T.T.E tour. Normally, he liked to be on tour — with the other members and especially Seunghyun by his side, but this time around it had felt so empty, lonely to the point where he locked himself up in his room most of the time and couldn't go out — his boss even had the nerve of profiting off his misery, but Jiyong had been used to it so he agreed to everything, just so he could be back home after the tour.

Back home where Seunghyun had been already waiting for him with open arms and so much love and affection and Jiyong had caved. They had done a lot of talking in the month between the end of the M.O.T.T.E tour and the start of the Japan Dome Tour and it had fucking hurt, but they had somehow finally managed to overcome some critical points in their relationship. While they hadn’t been able to overcome all of their problems immediately or to let go of the hurt, there had been this newfound simple happiness of just enjoying every moment they were able to be together, because there had been the possibility of this never happening again — and they had been doing okay since then. Good, even. Though his own enlistment had unsettled Jiyong again and he had tried to put on a brave face, but then all those fears came creeping back and he had felt helpless again. 

He had talked to his mother about it; they had only had a handful of proper conversations about him and Seunghyun since Jiyong had confessed, but they had been earnest. She had been curious about a few things — the usual things parents were curious about if they learned that their child found someone they liked. Since when did you date? When was the first kiss? How serious is it? — tho she didn’t ask the last question; she had seen just how serious Jiyong was about Seunghyun a few months back. So she knew how to properly be there for Jiyong when he felt like he was falling apart again.

It had helped, but a small part of him was still uneasy at the thought of being so far away from Seunghyun and not being able to see him regularly — but now this man, this impossible man, had rented this place so he could visit him and Jiyong felt so incredibly grateful for this opportunity; a small glimpse of normality, of what they life could have been like if they had never been famous. What if would be like if Seunghyun had a normal job and Jiyong would still be enlisted. What it would be like to come home to his husband who had cooked for him and had used his mother’s recipe to make him happy and—

—husband. 

Jiyong set down the chopsticks as he watched Seunghyun’s face closely, while the other man served him some of the food he had prepared — he was wearing his engagement ring and Jiyong smiled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his own ring, slipping it on. This really felt as if they were married, some normal, random couple, like anyone else. Living in the middle of nowhere, enjoying the simple life together in a cozy house with elderly neighbors that probably thought they were only two really good friends. — and the tears were back. He bit his lower lip and then Seunghyun turned his head to look at him. He had been talking all this time, something about the recipe and so on and fuck. This meant that Jiyong’s mother had reached out to Seunghyun — something she hadn’t done before. She had reached out and had given him one of her well kept cooking recipes even Dami had to beg her to give to her and she had given it  _ willingly  _ to Seunghyun so he could prepare it for Jiyong and — this was probably the biggest gesture his mother could make without throwing a ‘ _ Choi Seunghyun, Welcome to the Kwon Family’  _ party and he couldn’t stress enough about the fact that Seunghyun was  _ here. _

Seunghyun looked at him, stopping mid sentence as he saw Jiyong’s tears and put down the dished. “Love, are you okay?” 

Jiyong could only nod his head, his eyebrows moving as he grinned dumbly at Seunghyun.

“I just love you so much, that is all — getting sappy and so on.” He tried to play it cool and not make a big scene out of this, because he wanted to enjoy his time with Seunghyun and not cry while he was with his loved one, but Seunghyun just chuckled, brushed away the tears and kissed him. Jiyong didn’t had to voice it, but Seunghyun understood why he was getting so sappy, why Jiyong suddenly felt like something heavy that had been dragging him down for the past year or so had finally dropped off his shoulders, why he suddenly cried and grinned so dumbly. He understood and Jiyong knew that he felt the shift, too. Things were finally in the balance between them again.

* * *

As it turned out, Seunghyun had Sunday and Monday off all the time since those were the days the museum was closed. He also had a rather generous amount of free days he could use however he wanted; he would just have to talk to his boss, which happened to be an elderly lady that was really taken by his childish charms so Seunghyun more often than not took off saturdays as well. Which meant that they saw each other  _ at least  _ two out of seven weekdays, if not three times and Jiyong could even spent the night two times a month, since that was the policy of his base. It made military life so much easier to know that as soon as weekend would roll around Seunghyun would be there again and that he would start the week with Seunghyun’s kisses and cooking and blowjobs. 

They had to be careful tho; no love bites, no marks, no other things that could indicate that Jiyong was seeing someone romantically outside these gates. He always stuck to the same excuses — saying that his sister was visiting, or mother — father, some other relative, friends from Seoul; anyone but Seunghyun, because that would raise questions. Basically they had to act how they always had before so that came more naturally than anything else and after some time, the other soldiers in his squat no longer asked him about where he was going or where he was spending the night, because they were too busy with meeting their own family and friends anyways — he was not the only one who was missing someone or was being missed by his family after all.

Seunghyun was also with him when he had his ankle surgery and him being the klutz that he sometimes was had also managed to hurt his own ankle. Tho, it had also been partly Jiyong’s fault; it had been the weekend before the surgery so Jiyong had been excused and was sent home from the base and he had  _ missed _ his boyfriend a lot, because Seunghyun had not been able to come to the base two weekends in a row, since he had taken off the two weeks Jiyong was on sick leave as well so that meant he had to work more the few weeks before the surgery. So he had teased him, had wanted to rile him up a little bit and they ended up fucking on the kitchen counter and they got a little bit too adventurous, because when Seunghyun had wanted to turn them around, lift him up and fuck him against the wall, his leg had gotten caught in the leg of his pants and he had twisted his ankle, falling over like a log to the side and that had been the end of it. 

Jiyong had felt bad for laughing at his better half but come on, it was a little bit funny and then Seunghyun had to wear the same hideous orthopedic splint he had to wear a few days later and only for a few days, not like Jiyong for two weeks straight. Seunghyun eventually forgave him for laughing and stopped sulking and even started to apply all sorts of ointments on his ankle, wrapping it carefully so he wouldn’t hurt Jiyong and took great care of him.

Seunghyun generally did an amazing job of taking care of him while he was enlisted it was so heartwarming how he came home into the house and Seunghyun would greet him with a kiss and they would enjoy their time together. Seunghyun would talk about all the stuff he was up to in Seoul, working in the museum, being in contact with so many artists and all that and for once Jiyong didn’t feel jealous, but  _ proud _ and he was happy that Seunghyun was enjoying his time with friends and colleagues. He was grateful to see Seunghyun this happy and that he was so passionate about things in life and that he was slowly getting better mentally wise, too. 

Jiyong couldn't really say the same about his psyche tho. He was still exhausted from everything that had happened and all the scandals surrounding BigBang and their members — it had all dragged him down to the point where he, much like Seunghyun, was in need of proper medication. At first, it was weird to take antidepressants every morning, but after a while it got part of his routine and soon it didn’t feel weird anymore at all. Besides, they  _ did _ help. Especially with him being away from the spotlight and him ignoring all the news that surrounded him, his injury, his leaked information from one of the soldiers, the other members, everything. He just tried to concentrate on himself for once and on getting better. Seunghyun was always there for him, too — he introduced him to new books he found and thought he would like, showed him new exhibitions, told him about so many new things that helped with calming the voices at the back of his own head. 

He ended up reading a lot during his enlistment — Seunghyun would ask him to read for him whenever they were in bed at night, sometimes korean books, sometimes english — and then he would sometimes tease him about his pronunciation and Jiyong would smack his chest playfully. He rolled his eyes, dramatically and over the top saying that Seunghyun only had gotten so good at english because he had started to read all the fictional stories there was about them and Seunghyun had cracked up so much he had started to cry from laughing so hard. — Tho whenever Seunghyun did comment on his pronunciation, he would store away that little piece of information for later, when he was reading again and tried out how it felt when that one word rolled over his tongue and lips and he always ended up to think about Seunghyun when he stumbled over certain words. 

Seunghyun also brought along some colors and canvases and he started to paint. It was oddly therapeutic for something he wasn’t really good at, but Seunghyun encouraged him, told him that he  _ did _ have talent and that he should just paint whatever came to mind, no matter what it looked like, so he did. Saturday became his painting day; when Seunghyun wasn’t free on Saturday because he had to work, he would come over after work, but it sometime collided with Jiyong having to go back to the base. So whenever Seunghyun couldn't come over Jiyong used his free time to go to the house and paint, and soon the spare room they had simply turned into their private painting room, was filled with various canvases. 

Jiyong could always tell whenever Seunghyun liked a painting or not — during the beginning Seunghyun really tried to not show whenever he did not like a painting, but as the months passed and Jiyong got more confident in his skills and what he was painting, Seunghyun also slowly got bolder with criticism. He knew how their taste differed in art from time to time — there were many artists they both loved, but sometimes their tastes clashed so much it was almost hysterical so Seunghyun slowly started to point out things he liked and didn’t like, much like he did whenever they were at a gallery or shopping for new art pieces. He was always respectful though and Jiyong was grateful for that, too. Sometimes, tho, he was being his usually annoying self, saying things like ‘ _ not my style’  _ with a completely straight face, only to tease him more and to oh so dramatically criticise things and it would always end with Jiyong bursting into a fit of giggles. 

Seunghyun always ended up taking those paintings back home and then showed Jiyong proudly how he hang them up over his bed or in front of his bed and that made the world always a little bit less evil.

It made him think back to the small things his mother had done for his father when he was having a hard time when they were little and things hadn’t looked good money wise and he had worried a lot. His mom had often prepared small things for him, to make him feel better and while he didn’t understand why his father would get this happy and sappy about small things like that, but now he really understood it. He could see Seunghyun doing the same and he loved how their relationship had shifted over the years from angsty teen love to — something that felt like it was deeper than any other ordinary relationship. Something that run deeper than just — love. It almost felt weird to only use that one little word, because looking at Seunghyun felt like looking at a whole universe that belonged to him and who he belonged to. It was more than just butterflies in his stomach and orgasms and heartache. They had shifted into something that he knew would last — that he knew was stronger than anything else; he had always known that one way or another, but now the realization slowly really started to set in that this was the man he really would spend the rest of his life with. 

He remembered a vague moment during Youngbae’s wedding where he had been overcome with a sudden wave of sadness that he could never have what Youngbae and Hyorin had, but that sadness started to disappear when he started to realize that he already had that what Youngbae had — just for so much longer. Jiyong might not be able to celebrate with a big party in front of hundreds of people and cameras, but he already had someone who was his best friend, who understood him completely, who knew him inside and out and supported him when he needed it most and criticized him when he fucked up and called him out. It was a give and take and so much better than most marriages he had seen through all of these years. He had seen men and women getting married on the high of their newfound love and newfound relationship, only for it to break apart a year later, because they started to realize that the person who they had married had become someone else — something that would not happen to them, because they have known each other since they were kids and have been dating for a third of their lives now and Seunghyun had even given him a ring that was meant as a token; for him to remember that even if they couldn't have it  _ right now  _ because the law prohibited it, they could have it someday, because they would still be together when they would finally be allowed to marry — even if it would mean for them to wait until they were old and grey. Seunghyun would still be there and so would Jiyong.

And he knew that Seunghyun finally knew how deep in Jiyong was, too. The older man more than once got caught staring at his own engagement ring with a totally pleased and happy smile on his lips. 

He didn’t know why it had taken so long for him to see that, but now it was clear as day. They had been through hell and back together, the highest highs and the lowest lows, but Seunghyun was still with  _ him  _ after all these years and he had not abandoned him, but had been there for him, cared for him and continued to cheer for him. 

Maybe he could really have it all. 

* * *

* * *

It was weird to finally step out of the base he had called home for almost two years now for probably the very last time in his life — and he had mixed feelings about leaving. One part of him was fucking ecstatic about the fact that he no longer would have to do fucking crunches, or sit ups, or that he would never again get woken up by the same terribly shrill noise in the morning and that he wouldn’t have to eat the terrible tasting food they always served. But there was also another part that wasn’t sure if he really could be happy about leaving the base. Well, the base yes, but not what it meant in the bigger picture. 

Because it meant that he and Seunghyun would also leave behind the house and the cozy and domestic routine they had build over the past months. There would be no steadiness anymore in him coming home to Seunghyun around the same time and Seunghyun would most likely not be waiting for him with food he had prepared in the morning. It meant that they would be thrown into the public eye again — that they would have to be G Dragon and T.O.P again and that they would have insane schedules again and that they would have to squeeze in romance and intimacy whenever they found the time and that they would only rarely be able to plan long romantic nights for them or simply get away for a bit. 

That was the biggest reason why he was scared to comeback if he was being completely honest. Obviously another big part was also BigBang and their future as musicians — there would be negotiations and new contracts; or no contracts at all — it was not decided yet. Actually nothing had been decided yet. They all had talked about what they would do after enlistment, obviously, but now that they would be back, they would talk about everything once more to make sure that they all wanted the same thing and that they would fight for it.

He didn’t really want to think about contracts and all that right now tho; something he did think about tho, were the fans. Seunghyun and Jiyong were not the only one who had been through hell and back, they all had. That included all the members, their families — and the fans. It had been hell, and honestly, Jiyong wasn’t too sure how many were still supporting them or if most had left and he was scared to find out the truth. 

It was fucking cold — of course it would be on the day he would leave the base. The uniform didn’t really do much against the cold, and neither did the turtleneck hoodie he was wearing. Had it always been that cold in Korea? — Jiyong walked up to the gates and suddenly one of the staff members walked up to him, telling him that the press was there as well as a huge amount of fans and Jiyong felt like rolling his eyes and crying. Rolling his eyes, because honestly what the hell was the media doing here? They had done enough damage since — forever. But his heart softened when he thought about the fans. It was so cold today and they still had came this early in the morning into the middle of nowhere just to see him? 

Honestly he got a little teary eyed at that. 

— and then he stood in front of hundreds of people and his knees suddenly felt weak and he couldn’t find his voice. People were screaming and someone came up to him with a megaphone and now Jiyong surely felt as if he was about to faint, because how long had it been since he had to stand in front of people and give a speech? — There had been only one occasion where he had talked in front of more than a handful of people and that had been when he had given a lecture about suicide prevention, but there the atmosphere had been different and people didn’t expect him to be G Dragon again. There he had been Kwon Jiyong who was talking about an important matter to raise awareness of something critical that affected a lot of people; but now these people — his fans, expected something from him and he felt his throat close up and eyes tear up. 

There were so many — he had not expected that. Not at all; he had heard about how many people had been at Seunghyun’s gathering; had seen the pictures, but that they would also come to see him? It felt so incredibly overwhelming and he was so happy, but also so incredibly nervous because this was the first time he would publicly speak and—

His mind went blank and he just talked. He tried to make his voice sound as even as possible, but his stomach was turning and god, the last time he had felt this nervous giving a speech had been in second grade. — His words flowed together and somehow made sense. At least Jiyong hoped they would and that the media wouldn’t twist and turn them completely. Jiyong  _ wanted _ the fans to be happy — they deserved it, so he didn’t think about the media and what they would do, but tried to reassure their fans instead; to talk to them, instead of the media, because they were who mattered. 

— and then it was all over in a flash. His knees still as wobbly and shaky like the ones of a baby deer as they had first felt when they handed him the megaphone, but now he really was free and he couldn’t help but throw his arms back and let out a scream of happiness. This was really happening. After all the months of worrying about him and Seunghyun enlisting they had finally managed it. They were both done — they had successfully overcome the longest amount of time they would ever be apart. Well, as successfully as you could call it. But they were still together and they were  _ happy _ and now he would drive home with his parents and sister and her husband and Seunghyun would also be there and his heart started to beat fast at that thought. 

He couldn’t get out of there fast enough — he just wanted to drive home, get a welcome home kiss from Seunghyun and cuddle his cat. God, how he missed his little fur baby. 

Jiyong hopped down the stairs, closely followed by Jaeho who let him to where his parents were already waiting for him — his dad smiled so big and his mom was crying and then so was he. Being away from his own parents for so long had been hard, too. He was such a family oriented person — he usually was around them as much as possible and being away from them had hurt. Jiyong had especially missed his sister, who was currently cuddling him to death along with his mother and Jiyong only laughed and returned the hugs. 

Their way to his old apartment went by so fast, but dragged on so long as well. He couldn't help but lense down on his watch, checking the time to see how much longer it would take for them to arrive in Seoul and then for them to  _ finally _ get to his place. The expanse was killing him, his leg bouncing and he could hear his sister laughing at him. 

Whatever — she should be grateful that she met her husband after he had already been done with the service for a long time, because she was just as much as a softie as he was and he knew that she would have not dealt well with him being away that long. 

Damn he just wanted to see Seunghyun. 

When they finally arrived in the private garage of his apartment, he was filled with nervous energy and darted out of the car so fast he nearly face planted into the asphalt as he stumbled out of the car. His sister was saying something to him, probably teasing him about what just had happened, but he simply took off to get to the elevator.

He was rolling his weight on his feet from the heel to the ball of the foot, back to the heel. The damn elevator couldn't arrive fast enough in his opinion — sometimes he really hated that the complex had so many stories. There was an amazing view, yes, but it also meant that waiting for the elevator was a pain in the ass and right now, every second he was not glued to Seunghyun’s side was  _ one too many _ . 

The door finally opened with a ding — and he stepped inside, followed by his family, who were already laughing at him. His sister even had the guts to  _ pinch his nose _ while his father joked about him and Seunghyun better keeping it PG, while his mom just rolled her eyes at all of them. Jiyong tried to ignore it, but the blush was prominent by now. 

— and then, finally. The door opened and Jiyong was the first one to dart out of the elevator again — his heart beating a mile per hour as he made a beeline for his front door, pushed the key card against it and threw open the door and was met by Seunghyun, who nearly tackled him to the ground with a huge smile on his lips and balloons attached to — Jiyong didn’t really know  _ where _ he had tied them on, but probably at the back hoop of his pants like he had done all those years ago (2012: He’s Day; Jiyong still remembered perfectly — it had been Seunghyun’s birthday and he had run around with the balloons tied to his pants all day long and it had been so adorable. Plus, the sex they had that night had been fucking amazing). 

Seunghyun immediately wrapped his arms around Jiyong’s slender waist; picking him up and twirling in circles and Jiyong desperately tried to hold onto Seunghyun’s shoulders. The other man had more often than not picked him up like that and it had by now happened once or twice that something like  _ that _ had ended with them on the ground, laughing while groaning in pain and he really did  _ not _ want to spent the first few days out of the military tied to his bed, because of a mild concussion. The only reason he  _ did  _ want to be tied to bed, was because of the literal meaning. — with Seunghyun on top of him, or under. 

The spinning finally stopped and Jiyong finally could feel the ground underneath his feet and Seunghyun’s lips on his own and the world suddenly seemed to shift into place again as he buried his hands in Seunghyun’s hair. Life truly was beautiful sometimes. 

* * *

* * *

He felt a little bit like a secret Santa — just that he was not wearing a red hat with fluffy white fur on it and that it  _ technically _ wasn’t even christmas just yet, plus Seunghyun already knew that he would get a pair of the Para Noise shoes, because  _ obviously  _ he would so that would not really be a big surprise. He must be expecting it by now, really. The release of the shoes is scheduled for November 23rd, but most of the people who will get the family and friends shoes already got theirs — just not personally delivered how Jiyong would do it for Seunghyun. 

Jiyong had already started to pack everything up a few days ago when he had finally finished the  _ other _ present he had gotten for Seunghyun and — well, the  _ other other _ present. It had been Seunghyun’s birthday at the beginning of the month and back then the shoe as well as the other two presents weren’t done yet and he had told Seunghyun that this year he would have to wait a little longer — because the thing he had planned for him was not done yet. Seunghyun hadn’t been too sad about it, especially because Jiyong had been the one who had thrown and organized a secret birthday party for him. He had even helped decorate the place and made sure that the karaoke bar had all of Seunghyun’s favourite songs and that they would have his favourite wine and that all of Seunghyun’s friends would be there too and — really, how could Seunghyun be mad at him if he had already done everything possible to make his birthday the best day of the year? 

Seunghyun had understood and had said that he would be patient until the presents were done — and now they were. Before his enlistment he had asked Nike if they could make another pair of the one of a kind flower road shoes — and to his surprise they actually had done that. They hadn’t even bat an eye at him asking them to make it in another size than his own, no — instead, they had taken special care in making them as similar to his own as possible so that the flowers would be in the exact same place and all that jazz and Jiyong had been so  _ thrilled _ when they arrived. — He really hoped that Seunghyun would like that present. He also hoped that Seunghyun would like his other present; it was a painting he had been working on every now and then — tinkering away on it until it was perfect in his eyes, only to come back to it again and work on it some more, because it  _ had to be perfect. _

So that was what was in the bag; The Air Force 1 Para Noise shoes, the Flower Road shoes and the painting. Well, not the painting — it was too big, but it was part of the present and Jiyong ended up cursing like a sailor when he tried to get everything into the backseat of his car and making sure that nothing would break or fall over. It was also probably the first time he drove that slowly from his apartment to their house; he was too scared to accidentally crush the painting. 

Eventually, he finally reached their home. He struggled a bit too much with the bag and the painting and Seunghyun spotted him at the door right at the moment he nearly fell face first onto the ground. But only almost. 

“Do you maybe need assistant, love?” Jiyong could clearly hear the amused tone in Seunghyun’s voice and he was ready to throw a shoe at him. Just not the ones in the bag; those shoes were precious and if Seunghyun ever dared to throw them, he would throw Seunghyun. — He threw Seunghyun a look that told more than a thousand words could and the guy honestly had the nerve to  _ laugh _ in a situation like this!

“Oh shut up, and get your ass into the living room — I have something for you!”

When he had first planned this he had this idea in his head of him setting everything up on in the living room or wherever — preparing everything so it would be  _ perfect and romantic _ , but now Seunghyun was at home and he couldn't do that and Seunghyun was annoying enough to not leave him alone if he would notice that Jiyong was preparing something for him. Like a kid on christmas. So he had to do it in the not really romantic way, but then again he hoped that the gesture was romantic enough and that Seunghyun would be happy anyways. 

“Do I finally get my present? — It totally is my present, what are you holding there? Is it a painting? Are those the Paranoise shoes?” — dear  _ god _ . How could one grown man be this annoying? Jiyong clicked his tongue as he sat down the giant bag; this was anything but the way he had imagined it to go. Seunghyun was supposed to be so  _ touched _ that he would cry buckets and fall to his knees and tell him how much he loved these presents and how much he  _ adored _ Jiyong and that these presents were the best he had  _ ever _ received (minus, obviously every gift Jiyong had ever gifted him, because all of his gifts were fantastic). 

He turned around, ready to chide Seunghyun, when the other man came to an abrupt stop right in front of him — beaming, with such a big smile that Jiyong could clearly see his dimples and the way his his eyes would turn all mellow and soft and how the little crow's feet underneath his eyes would appear and Jiyong immediately calmed at that. Instead, he shook his head — a sudden wave of bashfulness flooded his system; it always did whenever he gifted Seunghyun something. As much as he knew about the other man, it still was always a thrill mixed with anxiety to give him presents. What if he had misunderstood something? 

Whatever — it was too late now. Jiyong took one last final breath before he made Seunghyun sit on the couch and pulled out the first present. It was the smallest so to say, because it was a pair of the paranoise shoes and Seunghyun had already known he would get a pair of them so it wasn’t much of surprise. 

His eyes still started to shine when Jiyong carefully pulled the box out of the bag and handed it to Seunghyun. “This — is the first one. I know that you know you would get them and you have seen the design a thousand times by now—” he fiddled with his fingers and words “—but still. I see this in a way as a summarization of how far we have come, not only as friends, but as lovers, partners — fiancés.” His breath got caught in his throat as he spoke; he swallowed, trying to get rid of some of the nervousness that bubbled up in him as Seunghyun stared at him. It was one of the warm kinds of stare; he was looking at him with awe and admiration and that stare often made it hard to think properly.

“I know it is not our anniversary quiet yet, but — all those years ago, you gave me my first pair of Air Force 1. I still have them, you know that, even the box. I kept it all those years and the shoes are so torn you can’t save them anymore, but I was so incredibly happy back then. We were far from dating, but you made me feel loved even back then. You cheered for me and gave me the best present ever — not only because those had been the shoes I had wanted for a long time, but also because of all the daisies you put inside and how you decorated the box and I just had to use it for this design, too.” 

He watched as Seunghyun carefully opened the box, his fingers slowly sliding over the different sentences and doodles on the top of it. — Seunghyun pushed it back and revealed the shoes inside; they were placed in a tiny field of hundreds of daisies and Jiyong could see how Seunghyun’s eyes started to tear up already. 

“—and then, you gave me the final idea for the design when you gave me the daisy. It was before we enlisted and — I just  _ needed _ it to be there. You said it would be the perfect thing to put on there, that I could use it as another motive for peaceminusone, but there is another meaning to it. I am not sure if I ever told you — but that day, when you plucked it from me I already knew I had a crush on you.” 

Seunghyun’s eyes grew even softer — fond smile on his lips. 

“I didn’t think that you would like me back, but then Dami told me about this game where you pluck the petals off a flower and say ‘ _ He Loves Me’  _ for the first petal, and then ‘ _ He Loves Me not’ _ for the second — and so on, you know how it goes.”

“So you  _ did _ play it!”

“Hush, I am not done yet!” He tugged at his own fingers, grinning, suddenly growing shy at what he was about to say next. “—so, the daisy missing a leaf not only means  _ peaceminusone _ , but — to me — it means that  _ you _ love me and that I love  _ you _ .”

Out of habit he cracked his knuckles, a bit self-conscious. “—and this is basically me showing the world that  _ you _ love me. I sadly can’t say it to the whole world just yet with words, but I still want there to be a sign out there that shows you, and anyone else, how much I love you and that you  _ always _ inspires me. You have, since we were kids.” 

Seunghyun abruptly put aside the box and Jiyong feared for a second that he had fucked up big time; but then he saw how Seunghyun rubbed the palms of his hands over his eyes and then he wiped over them once. He was crying hard now, but smiling so big. “—and you say this is only the first present? Do you want me to cry through all of this because I think you will manage that just fine.”

There was no vile tone, no bite to his voice — he was smiling through his tears; happy tears and Jiyong could finally breathe again.

“Ah, don’t be so dramatic.” He reached over to wipe away a few stray tears. “I just really want to give you something special, you know. You always go over the top for me when it’s my birthday or for an anniversary and all — I just wanted to show you... that you could maybe see, just how much you mean to me and how much I love you, because honestly, whenever I try to explain it I run out of words.”

“—and you do that by making me cry?”

“Oh, shush — now come on, move on to the next one! You can cry later and tell me what an amazing fiancé I am then.”

They held eye contact for a moment, teasingly. Before Seunghyun looked down at the shoes one last time, before he carefully placed the box next to him on the couch and reached for the next one. His eyebrows shot up in surprise as he seemingly realized that he was holding another shoe box in his hands. Carefully, just as carefully as with the first one, he pulled off the lid — and his eyes widened comically as he quickly reached inside the box and pulled out one of the two Flower Road shoes.

Jiyong smiled as Seunghyun’s eyes darted between him and the shoes. “You remember when I got my pair as a present before I enlisted, right?” Seunghyun could only nod. “Well— I actually asked them back then to make two pairs, but they had to keep it a secret and they actually did and then I had to hide them in the pension so you wouldn’t find them by accident.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “—you remember when we wrote Flower Road together, right? Well — you know how the saying goes. To walk on a Flower Road. Remember how insecure and scared we both were that this Flower Road would be the end of  _ us _ ? While many things did fall apart — we didn’t. But we didn’t know that back then, but I still wanted something to give to you once we both were done with the military, and with all this bullshit. I want this to be proof of us, a proof that we managed to get through this hard time together — a reminder so to say that if you look at the shoes in twenty years, you will think back to these times. These were hard times, yes, but we were able to overcome them — that we are stronger than anything else and that things will become better and better. You and I started to walk on this Flower Road years ago, and I know that we will for many years to come.”

Seunghyun was now actively sniffing, trying to stop the tears, but Jiyong merely brushed them away when new ones came. “—are you serious right now? How in the world will I ever manage to top  _ this _ ?“ 

“Hush, you don’t have to and you know it.“ Jiyong leaned forward and kissed Seunghyun's nose — his face crumbled and then he hid his face in the crook of Jiyong’s neck and simple  _ breathed  _ him in for a moment. It made Jiyong’s stomach do flips and he couldn’t help but feel ecstatic as the butterflies coiled up and flew around in his stomach. He could feel how Seunghyun was rubbing his face against the side of his neck; wet tears still dropping down and Jiyong simply held him in his arms. A small part of him had maybe expected this from him — but a big part of him was deeply touched by Seunghyun’s reaction. 

They stayed like that for a long time — Jiyong simply holding him, while humming one of the thousand songs he had already written for Seunghyun. The atmosphere was calm, but intense and Jiyong took a deep breath. How long had it been since they first started to surprise each other with gifts and small things, and yet they still managed to surprise each other. It was something he absolutely loved about them, something they had learned over the years: to never take each other for granted and to put effort into their relationship. That was what made them different from most couples he knew. He didn’t mean that other people didn’t love their partner, but most people stopped being this affectionate after being together for two or three years. The feelings obviously would still be there, but gestures like these often were not part of the relationship anymore. 

He and Seunghyun had been there as well when things had become really tough between them before their break up — it had been what had broken their neck at that time, but it had also taught them a valuable lesson.  _ Never _ take each other for granted. Support each other. Love another. Respect another. It was so hard sometimes to keep a healthy balance of all of this, but at the same time it wasn’t. Loving Seunghyun came easy — more easily now than ever. Back then they had sat down and talked for so long until they had set some ground rules and it had been tough at times, but now it worked out. Seunghyun opened up about so many things and Jiyong finally let the other man inside his heart — let him reach into the darkest parts of him as well. It was a level or intimacy not many people ever experienced in their life, but they had finally reached that stage. 

“Are you ready for the third gift now?“

A sudden laugh escaped Seunghyun — breath escaping through his nose. “If you want to see me cry some more, sure.“ 

Jiyong pulled back and carefully combed through Seunghyun’s steadily growing hair. He leaned down for a kiss, before he pulled away to reach for the third gift and placed it on the coffee table. He didn’t dare to look directly at Seunghyun in that moment, but decided to simply talk about why he painted the image he did. Jiyong knew that their taste was sometimes really different and he feared that if Seunghyun didn’t know the meaning behind all of this, he would dislike the painting.

He cracked his knuckles again. “— a few months ago, when I was at the base and you visited me all the time, I was in a dark place. You know that; you saw it with your own eyes and instead of running away you stayed and started to bring along books and canvases and foreign music and movies you thought I would love. You did so much to make me feel better, to distract me from the harsh daily routines, tried to pull me out of my own head and to make me concentrate on the better things in life. You didn’t try to go all bear mom on me with inspiring quotes and all that stuff, you simply spent time with me and helped me feel better about life. You were there when I needed someone who would listen to me, you were there when I needed to vent out anger and frustration. Other people would have rolled their eyes and walked away, but you took my hand, sat me down and we started to write songs about everything.“ 

“I know relationships are a give and take, but I feel like during the last year you have given so much more than I could ever repay you. I know this is not a competition, but I needed to show you — to remind you, how fucking grateful I am to have you by my side, to be able to call you mine. You are so amazing, Seunghyun. The way you talk, your raps, your view on this shitty world — how your mind works. Other people envy me, because you look like a Greek god, but you are so much more. You are intelligent, caring, sweet, sometimes the biggest and most annoying pain in the ass—“ Seunghyun cackled at that and playfully punched Jiyong against his shoulder, eyes shining. “—and the most interesting and breathtaking person I know. I love how your mind works and how you are a conglomerate of so many things; you are childish and playful, you are sweet and caring, you have your hard edges and distant sides, you can be dominant and elegant, you can be gentle and soft — there are a thousand facets of you and I love you for all of them, because they make you who you are.“

“I choose to draw these things for several reason; for one, I wanted to draw you, because you are my muse. When we worked on our album I fell so hard for you and my heart snapped shut around you and I just knew that you are it for me. The times we spent together back then; I treasure it so much. It was the beginning of us as a couple and the start of something beautiful. I had always dreamed about doing this; creating music and standing on stage — but being with you gave me so much more than that and showed me what I really wanted, what I really needed and that was you. You are my sunshine, the love of my life and the fucking sparking rainbow with unicorns and fluorescent colors that crashed into my life — and even though there are dark times around us, times we have to fight through, you always pick me up and I hope that I am that for you, too.“

When Jiyong finally looked up he was positive that he had broken something inside the other man, because Seunghyun was staring straight ahead at the painting, while tears streamed down his face. 

Jiyong‘s heart nearly exploded. Had he overdone it? Was this too much and too cheesy and—

“Not my style.“ 

Seunghyun’s voice was flat and he sounded as if he was pressing out the words, trying to hold it together and Jiyong gaped. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Had he heard right? Was he seriously going to joke about this right now when Jiyong had just handed his heart on a silver to him and now this?

Seunghyun got up from the couch to take a closer look, pointing at various areas on the painting. “I mean, so much black here — and he colors are all over the place, a-and the brush strokes are not neat enough and—“

“So, you don‘t like it.“ It was more of a statement than a question and Jiyong felt his heart sink — but then Seunghyun suddenly swirled around.

“Are you insane?“ — he sounded a little bit out of breath. “I love it! — I love it  _ so _ much, I love  _ you _ , I just — I can’t properly function right now because  _ fuck _ what do you say to something like  _ this?  _ Merry Christmas?“ his breath was a bit shaky and he ran his fingers through his hair. “I mean, I don’t know how to react right now, because this is just so perfect and everything I’d say would probably pale in comparison I mean, what am I doing right now? Word vomiting at you because I am just so happy and —and overwhelmed?“

Something inside of him started to bloom again — he had never seen Seunghyun being  _ this  _ worked up about a present before. He had come close, but never to this. He stood up from the couch and stepped closer to Seunghyun — taking his hand in his own. “Overwhelmed by what?“

A humorless laugh escaped him, and then he was smiling again with stray tears in his eyes. “Overwhelmed by your love for me — you are right, there are hard edges about me and you know that more than anyone else, but — I need to say this now, too because, I have to say something that makes  _ you  _ understand how much I love you and how much of an influence you are on me.“ He tried to clear his throat, but failed — his voice was still shaky and rough. “I am gonna put this the blunt way; you  _ are  _ my heart. You are the one who makes me this soft, this childish, this  _ everything _ . You know how I get on my own — sad and depressed. I dig my own hole and never come out, but as soon as I have you by my side I bloom; you make me want to be a better person, you make me want to get up in the morning to create and find new things. You are the one who makes my heart this full and soft at the same time, because I trust you to the moon and back and because I can be me when I am with you. I don’t have to worry about anything — I know you and that you support me, even when you already know that it is something that will fail and when you judge me at least a little bit for it — but you still support and love me so unconditionally it sometimes feels hard to breath.“

“Like right now; you have three presents for me and each one alone is enough to make me burst into tears — and I just, I know really well what you meant by not knowing how to put in words how much I love and admire you, because there not enough words in this world to describe it so I try to tell you this way — you are my heart. You are the reason why I get up in the morning, even if it is just so you will stop drooling on me—“ Seunghyun received another playful slap against his shoulder for that. “—and I cannot wait for us to spent the rest of our lives together.“

Now Jiyong was the one who didn’t know what to say; even when he tried to make Seungyun speechless, the other man always managed to surprise him and reflect the same love he had targeted at Seunghyun, back at him. 

Jiyong was now the one who was crying and he simply pulled Seunghyun in, kissing him on his lips as the tears spilled down his cheeks and Seunghyun cradled his face.

They both sucked so bad, but god, he loved it.

* * *

* * *

When Jiyong woke up the next day after a nap, he had received some texts from Seunghyun, who was thanking him again — teasing him with the same words he had when he got the painting and that he would sell it again and this time Jiyong laughed full heartly. 

He also cooed at his fiancé, swooning over him when Seunghyun suddenly started to spam Instagram with pictures of the shoes, pointing at them with big arrows, boasting the fact that he got another pair of shoes unlike anyone else, because  _ this one only had two _ . Seunghyun even went another step further and painted another one of their nicknames on the photo he had taken — beer and chicken. 

It made Jiyong’s cheek hot just to think that now the whole world knew about another set of their nicknames, but he also couldn't stop smiling. Seunghyun even tagged him in the posts, making it explicitly clear who he got the shoes and presents from (as if that wasn’t before) — and then he also shared a picture of the painting. 

But he had drawn over the picture, making it impossible to see the entire motive and  _ then _ he teased everyone by saying that it was not his style and that he would not show anyone, because it was not his style, but Jiyong knew that the real reason was that he wanted to have this all to himself. It was part of the reason why he never really wore peaceminusone, too. Jiyong had given him so many items over the past years, most of them one of a kind items, and Seunghyun always was so  _ careful _ with them. At first, Jiyong had been a snit about it, feeling greatly disappointed that Seunghyun was not wearing his presents, but one day when he had come over he had seen the place where Seunghyun was keeping all of them. 

It was shortly after Seunghyun had redecorated his bedroom as well as his walk in closet; there had been a big empty space on one side of the closet, but it had been replaced with a special wardrobe; all sleep edges and glass front and sides and Seunghyun had placed all the things inside. — a few days later he had seen his fiancé sit in the middle of the walk in closet, a big, goofy smile on his lips as he looked through the items, touching them so carefully as if they would break and then Jiyong understood it. Seunghyun treated these things just the way he treated his precious artworks. He wanted to keep them safe so they wouldn’t break, tore or get dirty — instead, he would sit down and look at them every now and then. Sometimes, on special occasions he would wear a hoodie, or shirt, or jacket at home. But only sometimes.

That was also probably going to be the reason why Seunghyun would probably end up not wearing the shoes outside, but Jiyong was okay with it — instead of sulking, he put his own pair of Flower Road shoes right next to Seunghyun’s inside the vitrine.

He smiled whenever he passed it.

* * *

* * *

“Did you pack your glasses?”

“Yes Love.”

“—and socks? Last time when we went you forgot to pack them, and you continuously stole mine and you  _ know _ my feet always get cold during the night and I need them and—”

“I packed them; you can even check! They are the last things I packed to make sure they really are in there and that they are on top of everything else so I can see them. Stop worrying so much — I also made a playlist for our car ride  _ and _ prepared snacks for us in case we get hungry  _ and  _ I packed enough lube to last us for  _ at least _ god knows how long. Jeez, have  _ some _ faith in me!”

Jiyong looked at him with a scowl on his face, less than impressed. “Well,  _ you _ were not the one who was freezing your ass off during the night! It’s december, do you want me to freeze to death, is that what you want?!” He reached for his bag that was placed right next to the bedroom door and stuffed a few more socks into it, just to be safe. He really did not feel like having cold feet in the middle of the night just because his better half was terrible at packing all the essentials they would need on their short trip to the seaside in  _ December _ , but who was he to complain. He was actually more than pumped for this trip, because how often did he and Seunghyun get the chance to spontaneously get away for a day or two? And it truly had been spontaneously, because a few days ago Jiyong had felt like utter crap. It happened; sometimes depression just hits you out of the middle of nowhere and you feel utterly depressed and shitty for a week straight and it’s exhausting and annoying as hell, but there was only so much you could do. — Jiyong had already mentally prepared himself for a weekend in bed, cuddling with Iye and working on another painting until Seunghyun would come back home and they would spend the rest of the weekend curled up in bed. But this late afternoon Seunghyun had slammed his metaphorical fist down and told Jiyong to pack a few things; they would go on a small vacation. 

Obviously Jiyong had thought he was joking and he had laughed it off as Seunghyun suddenly disappeared, but five minutes later Seunghyun came back with a huge smile on his lips saying that he found the perfect place for them to stay at. It was secure, the staff was overly discrete and they could arrive at any time of the day — or night. And then he had dragged Jiyong into the bedroom, to where their walk-in closet was and had pulled out two bags for them to pack and Jiyong had finally realized that Seunghyun had  _ not _ been joking. 

That had been a few hours ago — it was already dark outside when they were done packing and Seunghyun ushered them into Jiyong’s black Lamborghini. He was giggling like an idiot by then, because it reminded him so much of the old days when they were still trainees and Jiyong would say he wanted to runaway to see the sea, to get away from everything for a while — he had felt like that again before he had released his second solo album and back then Seunghyun had whisked him off to a secret escape to Japan for a few days. It had been bliss and his heart melted that years later, Seunghyun was still so willing to do things like that for him whenever he needed support or a getaway or simply alone time with Seunghyun. Especially, because their schedules were most of the time so incredibly packed that they never got to do these kind of things — they didn’t really have a schedule these days, but Jiyong was still busy with negotiations with YG and then there was also the aftermath of the collaboration with Nike and the talk about future projects, as well as with peaceminusone and on top of that he was helping Mino with his first exhibition, and some more art curation had to be done, too and he and Seunghyun still had to decide on where to put everything — especially the paintings. 

Ah, that was another thing that had changed. Before Seunghyun enlisted, they had agreed to buy a place just for them — so far they always switched between sleeping at Jiyong’s place and sleeping at Seunghyun’s, but that often ended up with creating a certain imbalance between them. It didn’t really feel like coming home — and then, when Jiyong had enlisted and Seunghyun had come to visit so much and had rented that place, they had decided it for sure that they would get their own place. It was super secure and discreet — it had to be, otherwise they would get outed within seconds. There was a private underground garage and the fence around the house was high enough so people wouldn’t be able to look inside; plus it was outside of Seoul. Away from the public eye and hidden between mountains and high trees. It was reclusive enough that they had their privacy and that people would not come up the hill looking for them. The next town was a little bit further away anyways and most people in the small town didn’t know about the expensive house up the hill, or at least didn’t care much. — Another plus was that it only took about forty minutes to reach Seoul. It wasn’t at the end of the world, but far enough away to simply relax. 

Seunghyun had taken care of most things before Jiyong had come back; they had talked a lot about which furniture would stay at their old places and which ones would be moved to their house — they both had decided to keep their old places, if only to make sure to let people think they still lived alone. Plus sometimes they  _ did  _ fight — not as bad as it had been years ago with slamming doors to the point they cried their eyes out and didn’t talk for weeks, but they were still human after all and no matter how well you got along with someone there would always be times when it would get too much and you needed to get away for a bit. So far, it hadn’t happened yet — Jiyong only had been back for two months anyways so they were still basically attached at the hip and Seunghyun followed him around like a cute puppy. But for the time they would need a bit of space so that was why their old places were still there. — like for when Jiyong just felt like sleeping, but Seunghyun wanted to invite a few of his and their friends over and Jiyong would tell him to go to his old place for that — or when Jiyong and Mino had another one of their creative boosts where they would be  _ in the zone  _ of creativity and as much as Seunghyun loved to see Jiyong paint and be creative, he had his limits. Especially because Mino always brought along a friend or two and they could not see them living together like that so Jiyong ended up either at his old place — or at the peaceminusone office. It had its perks, and coming home to one another after a long day was definitely the biggest.

Jiyong got into his car — the smile never fading and waited patiently until Seunghyun was inside and buckled up as well; and off they went. It was pitch black outside already and Jiyong was really happy that he and Seunghyun had decided to sleep in that day. They often did whenever they had no schedule, but today they really took their time with getting out of bed. They had stayed up late the day before — it had been Seunghyun’s mom’s birthday, which meant that they had all went to her favourite restaurant. Well, Seunghyun’s family had went there. The last time he had went out to a restaurant with a few people like when he had met up with Daesung and Youngbae the other day, it had been leaked to the media and it would be more than just all telling if they caught wind of him being there, too. A family gathering of the Choi family and Jiyong would be there, too? That would be too much. 

Besides, it had been a little bit weird between Jiyong and Seunghyun’s mom. Seunghyun had told his family the time after he woke up about him and Jiyong — well, he had told his parents. His sister had known already, but had sworn to not tell Yeonjun, or their mom. As much as Seunghyun loved his nephew, kids talked. Sooner or later he would spill something, even if it was only by accident and with how much the media targeted them these days that was the last thing they needed. 

It had been after he had woken up — Jiyong had been on it’s lowest and he had thought tooth and nail to get to see Seunghyun just once before he would be shipped off to his solo tour and at first his mother had been against it. She had said that only family should be with him right now and he had been so close to just running her over to get to see him when Hyeyoun had pulled her back and told Jiyong to wait for a moment. They had disappeared back into the room Seunghyun was in and it felt like an eternity until Hyeyoun came out again, pulling him into the room. Back then, he hadn’t fully realized what had happened within those twenty or so minutes — but then when he had walked into the room and had made a beeline for Seunghyun’s bed and he had pulled him into an almost bone crushing hug and Seunghyun had pulled back to  _ kiss him _ he had slowly caught on. 

Ever since then things had been a little bit off between him and Seunghyun’s mom. She wasn’t really against it — not entirely at least, but it still had been a shock to her and he really had not wanted to push it and he understood one way or another. After that, he was on tour until September and he never really got to talk to Seunghyun’s mom. They only had had a handful of conversations and they had been stiff and stalling and Jiyong hated it because before she had treated him like a second son. He hadn’t had the time to fix things though, because a little bit later he had to enlist and they hadn’t really talked since he had been back so him coming to her birthday dinner was a little bit too much. 

Seunghyun had made him come to the drinking that happened after that, though. His mother had not been there and Hyeyoun’s husband had taken Yeonjun to bed and called it an early night as well so it really only left Hyeyoun — and Dami and then it had gotten late.  _ Really _ late. Jiyong had been pleasantly surprised when he woke up this morning that he did not suffer from an enormous hangover — Seunghyun had only had a mild hangover. 

When they finally rolled out of bed it was already 3 am and they only got out of bed to order food and take a piss — but then Jiyong’s mood had dropped again and he had barely ate anything so that was when Seunghyun decided it was enough. Jiyong was in need of distraction and he would deliver — which left them where they were now. Night drive to wherever Seunghyun planned them to go — which, if he read the GPS right, was Gangneung. They were going to a short trip to the sea. 

Jiyong smiled. 

“This is a perfect date, isn’t it?” 

Seunghyun had just finished setting up the playlist he had put together for the drive and had hit play. Jiyong’s eyes looked over at Seunghyun for the split of a second before he looked back on the road — the smile still spreading across his lips. Years ago — it had been even before they started to date — they all had been asked what a perfect date would be for every member and Jiyong had said  _ a car ride at night, just driving around talking and enjoying the night  _ and Seunghyun had brought it up years later, when they started to date and Jiyong had been taken aback by how much attention Seunghyun had give him after all that he would even remember such a small detail. 

Driving around in a car at night was a thing for them — it probably sounded weird to anyone else, but it made sense to them. At night, they could be a little bit more open than usually. A normal couple — at day, not so much. While they always drove around in a car with tinted windows, the chance of getting caught was still a lot higher than during the night when not many people were awake. It had also inspired Jiyong to write R.O.D in the first place — car rides at night were not only of romantic nature, sometimes they were also their way of making up again. They would drive around Seoul for hours if they had to — until they came to a conclusion. It had started one day when they had a really big fight; Jiyong had been so angry and hurt he had ran out of Seunghyun’s villa and had made a beeline for his car, only for Seunghyun to jump in right next to it and refusing to leave the car so Jiyong had taken off to piss him off and he had been too stubborn to just drive home. It had taken a while but eventually they had calmed down and at 3.30am somewhere in Seoul at a red traffic light they had made up again. So maybe car rides did have a very romantic touch after all. 

It certainly had right now; the bright city lights were slowly fading in the background as they drove on the freeway. There were a few lights of smaller towns in the distance, but mostly only from the few cars that were on the road as well and from the tunnels they were driving through. It was actually really pretty, all things considered — especially the rainbow lights inside the tunnels. If Jiyong remembered it right, they had been installed as a safety precaution so drivers would not fall asleep as easily at night while driving. They were bright enough to make you feel more awake, but not too much that it would be a distraction. — The only distraction was Seunghyun, when he quickly pulled out his phone and took a vide. 

“Rainbow Tango~!” He was being loud and happy and Jiyong had to bite his lip not to crack up and giggle at his beloved. That video certainly would end up on Instagram, one way or another he could already tell. 

Seunghyun smiled happily down on his phone, sniggering like a little kid as he watched the video again. It was adorable to see the other man this carefree and happy — so cute and sweet. 

The music played again softly in the background — right now it was a song by  _ Hall and Oates  _ he knew all too well.  _ Sara Smile _ . Whenever they had a slow evening, with them simply relaxing on the couch and a glass of wine in hand they listened to songs like that and more often than not they also had had sex to this song.

“You are right, it really is.” He couldn't help but throw a dazzling smile at Seunghyun, who returned it — and then he pulled out his phone and Jiyong looked back on the street in front of him. They still had a while until they would arrive at the hotel ; it was still about an hour away. Or if Jiyong drove a  _ little _ bit faster then maybe forty minutes. He speed up just a little bit and he could hear Seunghyun chuckling next to him, making vroom vroom noises while muttering the first few lines of  _ Superstar  _ — about a fast supercar. He was adorable.

The song was still playing softly when he realized that Seunghyun was making a video of them driving — he chuckled and shook his head. They really were a weird couple — always filming each other, taking pictures in every kind of situation; Jiyong would follow Seunghyun around when they were at exhibitions, filming him when he was looking at art, only for Seunghyun to take a ton of pictures of him. Not that he complained, that way he could always drop a few of those pictures on Instagram. Then there were all those private moments of them at home; some of them sexual some not. If Jiyong was filming them whenever they were outside, Seunghyun was always the one filming them when they were at home. Sometimes Jiyong would wake up with a phone on his face and Seunghyun smiling down at him, sometimes he would be simply sitting on the couch — feet dangling over the back of the couch with Iye on his chest, and Seunghyun would film him, sometimes he would take a video when Jiyong was showering and most of the times these videos ended up with Seunghyun joining Jiyon in said shower so really, who was he to complain? So yeah, there were also a shit ton of  _ those  _ type of videos, but for those  _ home videos _ Seunghyun used a old camera and not his phone. (Okay, most of the time — when they were on tour or on vacation Seunghyun not always took the camera with him and during those times he did use his phone.) 

Seunghyun sniggered something about posting one on Instagram and Jiyong felt warmth spread inside his chest. While they couldn’t really post things like pictures of them on vacation and all that, they could drop small pictures and videos from time to time that most people would brush off as them simply taking pictures of random places — but still. It always made Jiyong smile when he saw that Seunghyun shared something special, something that was between him and Seunghyun only. Like when he had been so over the moon about the painting and the shoes. — Most had taken it the wrong way when Seunghyun had posted about the painting, saying it was not his style and that he would sell it to a secondhand shop, but that was mostly because not everyone understood his humor and when he was teasing and he totally teased Jiyong. It was probably the Seunghyun equivalent to a boy pulling on the piggytails of a girl in elementary school, just that Seunghyun had cried like a baby when he had gotten the gifts. He had even wanted to keep the painting all to himself, saying that it was so special that no one else would ever be able to see it — and then he proceeded to boast about the shoes. It had been so adorable to watch and Jiyong still smiled so much at that memory. 

He could feel how Seunghyun slowly came closer but his eyes remained glued to the road — Jiyong knew what was coming now and he could already feel himself grin. Seunghyun was taking another video of him. “Ah, look at this man.” Jiyong chuckled already as Seunghyun came even closer to his face with his phone while he spoke. “Look at my man, so handsome — have I mentioned how much I like it when you grow out your beard a bit? Because I absolutely love it.” Jiyong shook his head a bit, his tongue in the corner of his mouth while he grinned so big his cheeks almost hurt. 

They had finally left the freeway and were now on a vacant street— there were fields around them and if it wouldn’t have been so late at night already you would have been able to see the sea. They were getting close to the hotel, but where still far enough away that Jiyong could only see the vague outlines of the tall, white building and it’s shining lights. 

“I can’t believe that this wonderful man has been the love of my life for almost ten years now — officially that is. You see, Jiyong here has been driving me nuts  _ since middle school _ but we were too young and stupid back then to understand it.” Jiyong felt another laugh bubble up in his chest — Seunghyun had the tendency to sometimes play narrator, as if their life would be turned into a documentary and he would remise about how they had fallen in love and how their life had changed over the years. It was so incredibly sweet, Jiyong absolutely melted whenever Seunghyun would do that. — The car had slowed down a lot by now, almost at walking pace; the street was narrow and even though they were only fields around them, Jiyong still drove slowly. They would be there soon anyways. 

“—I can still remember when I first laid eyes on him; he looked like a baby sloth back then with dangly limps and all that, and now? Sharp eyes like a cat, the cutest nose I have ever seen and the best dick sucking lips there are. Look at those lips — so full and so soft to kiss. I could kiss them all day long.” Seunghyun changed hands, now holding the camera in his left hand and Jiyong wet his lips. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see that Seunghyun had  _ that look _ on his face again; it was the look he gave him whenever he did something naughty and with him talking about  _ dick sucking lips _ he was almost certain what was about to come. 

The strong hand rubbing circles on his thigh was still a surprise; Jiyong moved around in his seat, spreading his legs just a tiny bit so Seunghyun had more room to work with. “Are we really doing this right now?” — he tried to sound concerned, but honestly just the thought of Seunghyun’s lips on his dick had him at half mast. 

“As if you are not already getting hard.” Damn Seunghyun and knowing him so well — and then there was a hand on his dick, massaging him through the thin material of his cotton pants and Jiyong groaned, biting his lip as his eyes remained glued on the road as his heartbeat picked up and his dick swelled up even more. Seunghyun cupped him gently at first, pressing his palm against his dick and Jiyong was really glad that he decided to wear these loose cotton pants for the ride, because it meant that he could feel Seunghyun’s touch so much better and then Seunghyun was working his pants open and pulling out his cock. 

“My man not only has the prettiest face in the word — he also has the best cock.” Fuck, he only now realized that Seunghyun was still filming, phone in his left hand. Goosebump broke out on his skin and the heat that had been forming in the pit of his stomach suddenly spread across his whole body and he gripped the steering wheel a little bit tighter with his left hand, right hand remained on the gearstick. Seunghyun closed his right hand around his aching dick, moving it up and down, circling the tip with his thumb and pressing down slightly, making Jiyong breath out heavily, the tiniest noise at the back of his throat. — and then Seunghyun moved so quickly; he turned on the flashlight on his phone and then leaned down sucking Jiyong’s cock into his mouth and Jiyong gripped the steering wheel now with both hands — cursing out loudly. Seunghyun’s mouth felt like heaven — he was so good at sucking him off it should be a crime. The phone had disappeared to somewhere — Jiyong wasn’t sure, he could only see the a bright light at the periphery of his view, but he was definitely distracted by Seunghyun’s lips and tongue and  _ oh fuck _ —

He quickly pulled the car over and hit the brakes, moaning out loudly when Seunghyun choked on his dick and sucked a little bit harder than before. It made his head spin how good Seunghyun was at this and he couldn't keep his hands to himself anymore. He let go of the steering wheel, grabbing Seunghyun by his hair and pulling his mouth off his cock for a moment; only for him to move his seat back a little bit and push him back down again. God, he loved Seunghyun’s long hair so much. He couldn't help but run his fingers through them again and again, to grab him at the hair and push him down faster. — He could feel how Seunghyun moaned around his cock, sending vibrations straight to his cock and making him keen out; his hips bucked upwards and he could feel how Seunghyun relaxed his throat and jaw. With his free hand Seunghyun dived under Jiyong’s thigh, pushing him upwards and silently telling him to fuck his face and if that wasn’t the most perfect idea then Jiyong didn’t know what was. 

He pulled at the small lever on the side of his seat and he pushed back with his back until the seat was pushed back far enough for him to lean back comfortably. Jiyong was breathing hard, panting — Seunghyun’s mouth was still on his cock and he was teasing the tip of it with his tongue. “Gimme your phone—”, he pulled at Seunghyun’s long hair again and Seunghyun let go for a moment and quickly handed his phone over; his lips were red and bruised and he had this look of sheer hunger on his face — pupils blown so wide they were almost black. He leaned back in the seat and took the phone into his left hand while his right hand remained in Seunghyun’s hair — the phone camera was now directed at Seunghyun’s face and his aching cock; Seunghyun’s tongue darted out and licked a wet stripe from the shaft up to the head, his pupils now small from looking directly at the camera before he closed them and went back to sucking loudly at Jiyong’s cock. 

Jiyong’s thighs were shaking and he could only half heartedly concentrate on the screen as he filmed Seunghyun; it was too distracting to watch Seunghyun, to  _ feel  _ Seunghyun and then Seunghyun pressed the tip of his tongue into the slit at the tip of his cock and Jiyong was  _ gone.  _ He let go off the phone, letting it drop onto his stomach or somewhere else he really didn’t care right now — and grabbed Seunghyun’s head roughly with both of his head, burying them deep in his hair, holding him in place as he started to fuck up into his mouth in earnest. He had a fierce grip on Seunghyun, pushing him down just in time when he fucked up into his mouth — he could feel the signs of his orgasm approaching; the shaking in his thighs, the impatience and him fucking into Seunghyun’s mouth faster and faster, because the tiny sparks of arousal started to bloom and spread out in his body, his muscles tensed up and — he finally came down Seunghyun’s throat. His lips were wrapped tightly around his shaft still and he sucked eagerly until Jiyong was totally spent — Seunghyun sucked at him a bit longer, knowing all too well how much he liked it when he was already over sensitive from coming about a second ago and Seunghyun pushing him just  _ that  _ much further. 

Jiyong’s hands fell uselessly to the side — his breathing hard, and his legs felt wobbly from coming that hard. The phone was still on his stomach, the flashlight illuminating the whole inside of the car and Jiyong watched as Seunghyun as he pulled off his softening cock. It was a sight to behold as Seunghyun licked over his lips a couple of times and then grinned down at him. 

Their weekend could only be amazing if it already started like  _ this _ .

* * *

When they woke up the next day the sun was already shining through the window front right next to their bed and Jiyong marveled at the amazing view; they had direct view on the ocean and it was breathtaking. But not as breathtaking as the naked men stretched out next to him in bed who was using his stomach as a pillow and had a fierce grip around his middle, hugging him close like his own personal body pillow. He was still fast asleep and Jiyong couldn’t help but reach for his phone. He carefully stroke through Seunghyun’s long hair, brushing them back and out of his face — whenever he was asleep like this he looked so much younger. Not that he was old, but he almost looked like back then when they were trainees and it always made Jiyong`s heart jump at the thought. Every now and then he got a little bit overwhelmed by how long they have known each other already and how much they have been through together — bad times, good times, everything. There had been really hard times and a short period where they had been broke up, but those times thankfully never lasted for too long. Well, expect for what soon has been dragging on for two years or so, but as much as the whole situation sucked, there was a calmness between them that made it all okay in a way. He still worried a lot, but Seunghyun always had his back, always backed him up and vice versa. They still had to hide and all of that, but they both had reached a point where they didn’t really care anymore and just lived for themselves and that had probably been the best decision they had made in a long time. 

They felt better as a couple and that was probably the biggest source of strength to Jiyong there was. Obviously his family and friends were part of that, too, but Seunghyun was his special person and his special person always managed to make the day a little bit easier. Seunghyun had showed him light during times he had only been able to see darkness — they were so different in a way. Jiyong had said it before;  _ If you are a dreamer, then I am a boring realist _ and it was true. Seunghyun really  _ was  _ the dreamer of the two — his childlike innocence often shined through in the most random times and it was always so refreshing to see and hear his view on the world and how he perceived things so differently from anyone else Jiyong had ever known. Jiyong was so deeply fascinated by Seunghyun, by how his mind worked — and he loved how they always found new things together. 

* * *

Jiyong was still half asleep — he had woken up a while ago, but really didn’t feel like moving just yet. All of his muscles ached pleasantly and he had a lazy smile on his lips. Last night had been amazing. They had arrived at the hotel shortly after Seunghyun had gone down on him in the damn car — something they rarely got to do, but it always was insanely hot and god, Jiyong had loved it. 

Seunghyun had gotten keycard and everything else and then they had already taken off to their room and as soon as the door had fallen shut behind them, they had started to undress the other. It was always like that when they got away a little bit — they would be in the most beautiful places on earth, but would be too distracted by each other to really care. 

He could feel the aching muscles in his lower back, protesting as he stretched his tired limbs. It was still to early to get up — that didn’t mean that his dick wasn’t awake yet. He had had a hard on ever since he had woken up and as soon as he saw Seunghyun in front of him he had gotten completely hard. But he had also been so tired, but now he was slowly waking up and Seunghyun’s back was still pressed to his front and  _ fuck _ , he loved the feeling of Seunghyun’s ass on his hard cock. 

Seunghyun was still sleeping but that didn’t stop Jiyong from trailing soft kisses up and down the back of his neck, down his shoulder. He slipped one hand to Seunghyun’s front and started to slowly caress his stomach. Jiyong could feel how his fiancé was stirring in his sleep, a sign that he was slowly waking up as well — and he slowly reached down, taking Seunghyun’s soft cock in his hand. There was something about this that Jiyong loved; to touch Seunghyun when he was still soft and feel how his cock would get hot and how it would start to get hard and how much it would swell in his hand until he was rock hard and dripping with precum. The only way he liked to feel that even more was when Seunghyun had his cock in his mouth — but for what he had in mind for now, his hand would have to do.

He had a firm grip on Seunghyun’s dick — just the way how Jiyong knew Seunghyun like it best and touched him. Caressing him until he could feel how he was swelling up in his hand and getting hard in no time. He could also feel the subtle shifts in Seunghyun’s body; he was waking up — sharp intakes of breath were the biggest indicator that he was awake, but then Seunghyun suddenly pushed his ass back, right onto Jiyong’s hard dick and the light kisses Jiyong still was pressing onto Seunghyun’s skin turned into sucking and biting. 

“Good morning, babe.” 

Seunghyun pushed back and threw his head back until Jiyong’s chest was completely pressed up against him and Jiyong could suck and lick on the side of his throat. He let his teeth glide over Seunghyun’s skin and that pulled the first moan from his fiancé‘s lips — it was high and thin, almost a whimper and Jiyong went  _ wild.  _ It wasn’t often that Seunghyun got all pliant and soft and submissive, but since the blowjob in the car the night before there had been something delicate, something that not always shined through when they were intimate, but Jiyong loved it. He loved it so much and he was always over the moon when Seunghyun would let his guard down like that—

His hard cock still pressed against Seunghyun’s ass; his hands wandered all over Seunghyun’s body, his nails scratching lightly over the skin, making Seunghyun reach back into his short hair and  _ tug _ . — it tore a deep growl from Jiyong’s throat and he reached down between Seunghyun’s cheeks; with an almost piggish pride he realized that Seunghyun was still wet and fucked open from the night before and he carefully slipped inside. 

Seunghyun’s grip on his hair tightened and he whined again — his hips starting to move, fucking himself back on Jiyong’s cock just enough to cause the right amount of friction, but Jiyong needed more. His other arm slipped around Seunghyun, squeezing it between him and the mattress and holding him in place as he started to move his own hips, while his other hand remained on Seunghyun’s dick. It felt fantastic — the slight pull from pushing into the tight heat between his cheeks and bubbly ass, the way Seunghyun let him be moved for once just the way Jiyong wanted him, the soft cries of pleasure coming from Seunghyun and how desperate he sounded. — Jiyong could get used to it. 

Seunghyun was so  _ sensitive _ — he always had been. More than once had Jiyong spent a lazy afternoon with peppering kisses up and down the side of Seunghyun’s throat, licking and sucking on Seunghyun’s skin, making him squirm and moan out loud. For someone who had such a deep and rough voice he sure sounded sweet in bed — it sometimes showed when he would laugh. His laugh often took on a high pitch and Jiyong would always end up staring at him, because it would remind him of all the times Seunghyun had come on his cock, untouched. 

—and his voice was so sweet and tender right now; Jiyong couldn’t help himself. He wanted to ruin the other man, to dig into him, to go as deep as he could and dive under his skin. He wanted to earn ever sweet gasp, every filthy curse — he wanted to make sure that Seunghyun would feel completely satisfied from getting fucked so good that he would feel weak in his legs. He snapped his hips forward a little harder, making Seunghyun gasp out at he fucked into him, his dick hitting all the right places. 

His hand was still on Seunghyun’s aching cock — he was already dripping wet, and Jiyong could feel how tensed the muscles in his stomach and thighs were; he was already close. 

Jiyong smirked. 

Sometimes Seunghyun was way too easy. — he leaned in close again, his own heart hammering inside his chest and skin slick with sweat. “You like that baby, don’t you?” He twisted his hips and fucked up hard into Seunghyun, making him keen out loudly; Jiyong could feel how his dick started to twitch and he quickly closed his thumb and pointer around Seunghyun’s cock into a tight ring, stopping him from coming already seconds before his orgasm hit and then Seunghyun groaned out loudly, his whole body shaking. The fingers in his hair were tugging at him now painfully, but Jiyong was having none of it — he bit down on the side of Seunghyun’s throat and Seunghyun went limp; almost like a kitten. 

Jiyong used his whole body to move them; he pushed Seunghyun onto his stomach — his own body pressing Seunghyun down into the mattress.

He leaned up; his hands stroking up Seunghyun’s back, only for him to rank his nails down his back again — Seunghyun’s back arched like a bow, strung so tight before his body relaxed again, but only for a moment because Jiyong took both of his cheeks into his hands and kneaded them. Touching and groping him, before he smacked one cheek, starting to move his hips again. “You like it when I fuck you real good, don’t you?” 

This time, Seunghyun whimpered — nodding his head as he tried to stifle his moans with the comforter he was desperately clinging onto. But it was no use — Jiyong could hear every groan, every moan, every curse. He could see every little twitch of Seunghyun’s body and he desperately tried to fuck him a little bit faster on Jiyong’s cock— He leaned back down again, looming over Seunghyun who was panting so hard by now that it must Jiyong could feel it, too when he pressed his chest back against Seunghyun's back.

“— yes.” Seunghyun’s voice was so small and desperate, Jiyong couldn’t hold back anymore. He buried his hand in Seunghyun’s long, dark hair while the other one pressed down right between his shoulder blades, pressing him effectively into the mattress and he went to town. He snapped his hips hard and fast, making sure to give Seunghyun everything he wanted and more — he tilted his hips up with every move, tugged at his hair until Seunghyun’s hands were flailing around, frantically trying to find something to cling onto as Jiyong fucked into him. He could feel how Seunghyun curled his legs up — his heels were digging into Jiyong’s ass and his muscles were drawn so tight it was almost impossible to fuck into him. 

Jiyong would never get tired of seeing Seunghyun come — not in a million years. He fucked into him a few more times and then Seunghyun canted his hips up, fucking back on Jiyong’s cock a handful of times more and then he came; a shudder rolled through his whole body and his moans reaching a whole new pitch as Jiyong continued to fuck him into the mattress. He was seconds away from coming as well — he just needed a little bit more; the muscles around his cock tightened up so much it was borderlining to being painful. Jiyong gripped both asscheeks, swatting them with every thrust. 

“— fuck, Ji. Please, I— !”

“What was that?” — another harsh slap against his ass and Seunghyun cursed again. His body was shaking and he could hear the sobs coming from him. He smacked his ass again; he was so close he just needed a little bit more— 

“ _ What _ was that, huh?” He kneaded Seunghyun’s ass cheeks with his hands, now putting his whole body weight on the other man’s ass — the sound of wet skin slapping against wet skin echoed through the room, the bed protesting as it shook with each thrust. 

“ _ Daddy _ , please I can’t anymore, I— “ his voice broke as Jiyong fucked into him, voice impossibly deep as he groaned out — That tiny fucking words was enough to make him come within seconds and he finally reached his high as well. It hit him hard and fast and he continued to fuck into Seunghyun until the last bit of his orgasm had rolled through his body and then they both collapsed onto bed, still breathing heavily. Their bodies stuck together; sweat and cum between them and Jiyong couldn’t stop himself from licking over Seunghyun’s sensitive throat once more — he tasted amazing. 

* * *

It was hours later when they finally left their hotel room — the beach was mostly vacant. It was a private area after all and most of the people visiting where already curled up inside, hiding away from the cold weather. But not Seunghyun and Jiyong — they had decided to go for a walk on the beach, to feel the cold sea side wind on their face and to look at the beautiful sunset. The private area was incredibly well guarded — the whole area around the hotel was closed off as well and the staff had it written in their contracts that they were not allowed to take pictures or tell anyone anything about the guests in the hotel — and the other guests themselves where nowhere to be seen; to put it short, they were discreet and this was probably one of the few places in South Korea where they could feel be a little bit more like themselves, how they were whenever they were home alone and could relax a little bit. There was something incredibly freeing and liberating in being able to hold hands and walk down the beach — even if it was incredibly cold and the sun was already setting. It was probably the worst time for a getaway to the sea, but it was perfect for them. 

Jiyong had this boyish, stupid smile on his lips — the one that made his eyes seem smaller and that made his nose crinkle a bit. How often had they been able to simply hold hands like this out in the open? — in Korea? He could probably count the occasions on one hand. Especially because they were wearing their promise rings. 

After Seunghyun had gotten him the ring shortly after they had gotten back together again, when he had wanted to surprise him with breakfast in bed and all that, Jiyong had gotten a ring for Seunghyun as well. They were both pretty simple, especially for their standard. Just a normal silver band. Plain. Modest. Unpretentious. It was unlike anything else in their life and that was why those rings were perfect and Jiyong couldn't help but look down on their hands — the silver shining almost brightly as the last few sun rays hit them. He took out his phone and started to take pictures again. Of their joined hands, the rings, the scenery, of Seunghyun; especially of Seunghyun. He looked so happy and carefree in this moment.

He selfishly hoped it would last forever.

— and then something shifted. Seunghyun held onto his hand, still smiling as he stopped walking. Jiyong looked back at the other man, his smile still in place. “What, why did you stop walking? Is something wrong?” — but Seunghyun only shook his head and pulled Jiyong a bit closer again. The sunlight was now coloured in a deep orange, that faded into a rich red and Seunghyun looked even more beautiful in this light.

“Just wanted to take a look — you are still so pretty.” He kissed the tip of Jiyong’s nose, making him giggle. 

“You are such a weirdo!” 

“But you love it.”

“I do, I really do.” 

They fell into a comfortable silence again and Seunghyun took Jiyong’s hand with his other so their rings were almost touching. “You know,” his face soft and sweet “—when I was a kid and my father left I told myself I’d never marry anyone, you know what my view was on marriage for a long time. But you changed so much in me and I am forever grateful for that. I don’t think I tell you enough how amazing you are — I love you for more reasons than there are fish in the sea; you are smart, you are funny, you are a musical genius — a creative genius. Watching you discover new things, testing out new things. If I look back on the past ten years, I can see so much change and I love it. I love the person I have become because of you, I love the person you have become and I know things are not always easy, but I want you to remember that we always change and that tomorrow you will see things differently than today you — you might not always see the change right away, but it shifts slowly — the process is there.” He brought up Jiyong’s hand and kissed each knuckle. “But no matter how many changes we go through, one thing I know will stay for sure; my love for you. We might not have a piece of paper to prove it to the state, but you are my husband. The man I have loved for half my life now and who I will love for the rest of it and I can’t wait for our anniversary later this month and to celebrate the first decade of us being together. You are my soulmate and there aren’t enough words in this world to describe how much you mean to me and how much I need you in my life, and by my side.”

— and then he kissed him. Just like that. In the middle of a beach in South Korea and Jiyong felt the happiest he had been in a long time. 

* * *

It was in the middle of the night when they finally walked up to their room again — shoes and pants sandy from walking on the beach for hours, just kissing and holding hands and taking pictures with the flash on and then kissing some more. Just like any other couple would do when they were on an impromptu getaway trip; then again he figured that not many couples could have an impromptu getaway trip like they could have right now, but that was beside the point. They had walked up and down the whole private area of the hotel and never met anyone; the perks of doing this in the middle of the night in winter apparently. But it felt so good and the scenery was amazing, even at night. — The door fell shut behind them, their hushed voices and faint laughter breaking through the silence of the spacious suite they were staying in and Seunghyun immediately walked over to the speakers and started another playlist. 

Heat immediately shot down to his dick — it was their fuck playlist. Stuffed with mostly english songs, slow sensual songs, some jazz songs, and their own very filthy songs they had composed over the time. Songs that would probably never see the living daylight, but that was probably for the better — Seunghyun liked to call them  _ songs to have sex to _ , which really was what they were. At this point whenever Seunghyun put on the playlist or one of his fuck songs, his sex music, Jiyong got hard. 

The room was only dimly lit and then Seunghyun suddenly was behind him — hands coming around his frame, between his arms and upper body. They only rested on his stomach for a bit, but it was enough to make Jiyong feel all tingly and nervous of what was about to come next. He could feel Seunghyun’s breath on the back of his neck and it made the fine hair on his whole body stand. Seunghyun moved slowly, simultaneously to the music almost and it fueled the anticipation inside of him. His cheeks were hot now from the way his heartbeat was picking up. The atmosphere had shifted from light and happy to heavy and intense within the split of a second; one look from Seunghyun was enough and Jiyong would cave — he didn’t dare to move tho, not with how Seunghyun was standing behind him. His hands slowly wandered over his body; they moved down, just the tiniest bit — just above the waistline of his underwear and then they moved up again and grabbed him by his chest, massaging his pecs and Jiyong just wanted to  _ touch _ . He buried his fingers in the side of Seunghyun’s thighs, wanting to just reach out and run his hands all over the other man’s body, but then there suddenly was a hand with a tight grip on his throat and he froze. 

“Behave.” — Jiyong gulped, though the tight grip around his throat was distracting. It made him so much harder if that was even possible. 

The hand on his throat remained and Jiyong stood as still as possible, while the other hand cupped him through his pants and started to caress his length. It was torture, because the touch was too light to really give relief to him, but too hard to not be not noticable. But Jiyong bit his lower lip and tried to keep his breath even. — Breathing in through his nose, and out again. He forced himself not to move his hips. He really did, but there was only so much he could tolerate and Seunghyun teasing him like that was too much. 

But then the pressure on his throat and the hand on his cock disappeared and so did the warmth behind him; Seunghyun had stepped back a few steps. He was still behind Jiyong, though, not moving, just watching what he would do and Jiyong stayed put. The music was still playing in the back and his breath picked up a notch again; not knowing what would happen next was just —

“Strip.” 

Jiyong moved immediately. With shaking hands he removed the belt and opened the fly of his pants — they fell to the ground along with his underwear. The jacket he was wearing was the next thing that went flying to the ground, followed by the button down shirt and t shirt he was wearing underneath of it. He was almost completely naked now, save for the scarf around his neck. He had given Seunghyun one of those scarfs when he had left for his mother’s birthday. It had originally been an attempt at hiding the hickeys on his neck, but as it turned out, Seunghyun looked absolutely amazing and so irresistibly cute with those things that Jiyong convinced him to wear them more often — and then he started to wear them, too and more often than not had Jiyong grabbed him by the scarf and dragged him down for a kiss, or dragged him into the bedroom to have his wicked way with him. But now the dynamics were reversed — it was almost like the collar he would wear whenever they would play. 

Jiyong reached up for the scarf, but Seunghyun stepped in close right next to him and he stopped as Seunghyun reached for his hand. — Seunghyun was suddenly really gentle; he carefully took the scarf into his own hands and slowly undid it. He was so close that Jiyong could basically count every single lash and he couldn't help but stare as Seunghyun took the scarf and folded it carefully. 

It had been Seunghyun’s idea after all to make these scarves into a  _ couple thing _ . He had tried to be subtle about it — Seunghyun had been the one to wear it first, and Jiyong obviously did the same, because he knew he would look adorable with that little bow around his neck. But that had all he had done; post a selfie with a bunch of other pictures and hoped that no one would really catch on. The thought alone that they had posted about it was enough to make him smile; but then Seunghyun decided that this would not only be another one of those moments where Jiyong copied his style or stole his clothes, but that it would be  _ their thing _ . They had had so many different  _ things _ throughout the years; rings, bracelets, clothes, you name it — but yet it never ceased to excite Jiyong whenever they found another  _ couple thing _ . 

Seunghyun finished folding it and put it on the commode right next to them; giving Jiyong his undivided attention again. “You ready to play?”

Jiyong bit his lip and nodded. 

“Good, then get into the bathtub, with your arms resting against the window front. Let’s show the world what a good little slut you can be.”

* * *

* * *

He was laughing so hard his sides were hurting already and he was laughing one of those terrible laughs where he was nearly falling off his seat and screamed more than laughed and tried to hold onto the table cloth as he laughed through his tears. 

God, it was good to meet up with everyone again. 

They were at their regular haunt again — Jiyong had come here many times with his family by now and Seunghyun as well; the food just was amazing and the restaurant belonged to the sweetest middle aged couple (besides his own parents of course) he knew and they always were so sweet. Seeing them bicker like an old married couple often made him think of him and Seunghyun, too. 

It was relatively mild for december, which was why a simple jacket and beanie was enough; Seunghyun had teased him again, running his fingers over the stubbles on his chin, saying that it was good luck to rub a dragon’s beard, before taking off like a kid running from Jiyong who was chasing him. — In the end, Jiyong had rubbed his beard against Seunghyun’s neck, making him squirm and scream out while laughing so hard he nearly choked on his own spit — and  _ then _ Jiyong had continued to assault his neck with his lips and tongue. 

They only later had realized that Seunghyun’s neck was covered in love bites and red spots from where Jiyong had sucked at and rubbed his beard against. Seunghyun just shrugged and had fished out the couple scarf again, asking Jiyong to make him pretty again, while over dramatically batting his eyelashes at him. 

Sometimes he wondered if they truly were in their 30s now, or if they were still in middle school. — He was not complaining though, because honestly? It felt amazing to fool around with Seunghyun like that, to tease each other and be  _ this _ playful. It was like balm for the soul.

Which also meant that he more often than not ended up in a serious fit of laughter, with him holding onto the edge of the table in the restaurant they were in, because Seunghyun was just not able to keep his damn mouth shut. 

Hyorin wasn’t doing much better — she was crying, too. Her cheeks red from all the wine they all had consumed already, while Youngbae was simply glaring at all of them. Hyorin had the same dry and terrible humor than Seunghyun, so Jiyong wasn’t surprised at all that she cackled like an idiot, too — her husband wasn’t laughing at all, because this time around he was the butt of the joke. 

Seunghyun tried to take sip from his glass of wine, but burst into another fit of giggles again and that was enough for Youngbae and he snapped—

“Okay, that’s enough — get out for a smoke and only come back when you have calmed down!” It only caused Seunghyun to laugh even harder, but he  _ did _ get up from the table to take a smoking break.

Seeing the oldest of them fleeing the scene like that was too much — Jiyong giggled again and now Youngbae was glaring at  _ him _ . 

“You suck. Why don’t you go take a break as well, huh?”

He needed a moment until the tears finally stopped rolling down his cheeks from laughing — god, his stomach hurt. They had eaten so much again, and laughing as excessively as they did right now did  _ not _ help with the tummy ache. Jiyong just laughed some more, wiped away the tears and tried to contain himself the tiniest bit — but then Daesung broke and one of those weird sounding snorts escaped him and Jiyong was  _ gone _ . 

He quickly grabbed his jacket and smokes before Youngbae could throw the half finished stake at his head and he made a beeline for the stairs. 

The night was fresh, but it was nice enough to stand outside. Jiyong quickly found his fiancé — he was standing right at the door, one earpod in and cigarette already dangling between his lips. He was still smiling; and snorted again as he saw Jiyong approaching — he had another cigarette in his hand, already waiting for him and Jiyong smiled. 

“Having fun tonight?”

“Very.” 

They grinned again and Jiyong lightened his cigarette.

“Do you think he hates us now?”

Seunghyun took a drag of his cigarette before answering in the most serious voice. “Oh, absolutely. We are on his shitlist for the end of the year — better make a run for it.” 

Their eyes met again and they were laughing again. 

“Oh man, better take some pictures for the fans one last time before he comes after us, hunting us down with a knife or something.” Jiyong was smiling so big his cheeks hurt. 

“You know what — you are right.” —and then Seunghyun pulled out his phone and stepped in close behind Jiyong with a hand on his ass, massaging it and Jiyong had to bite his lips not to squeal.

“Are you serious?”

“Totally, now be a good boy and look at the camera.”

Jiyong couldn't help himself, but started to pull weird faces — this was definitely not what Seunghyun had wanted, but he just laughed and joined in. They spent a good five minutes with just standing there and making faces at the camera — more often than once did Seunghyun pinch his butt and every time Jiyong pushed his ass back harshly and made his fiancé nearly stumble backwards. 

He was about to light up another cigarette when he saw what Seunghyun was doing—

“Are you really gonna post  _ that  _ picture?”

“Yeah, why?”

He nearly dropped his cigarette. “I look hideos!”

“No you don’t and — posted!” 

Jiyong lunged forward, trying to get his hands on Seunghyun’s phone, but the other man used the couple of inches he had on him to his advantage — and then he ran up the stairs again, like a naughty kid, running from their parents, but Seunghyun was an idiot if he thought he would be save from Jiyong’s wrath. 

He ran up the stairs, following him and nearly tackling him when they reached their private room again — but he was too late. Seunghyun had already posted the damn picture again and Jiyong just groaned loudly.

“Why did it have to be  _ that _ one? We took tons of pictures today already — why didn’t you pick another one?”

“But Jiyong—” Seunghyun was looking at him with big, innocent eyes “I already posted another picture of us!” 

Jiyong scrambled for his phone so fast, clicking onto Seunghyun’s public account — he was right, he had posted a story. He clicked on that one as well and nearly threw his phone at his fiancé — why did he  _ always _ choose pictures where he himself looked amazing and Jiyong looked like a potato?

“You are so  _ dead _ !”

This time, Youngbae was the one who was laughing so hard he nearly fell off his chair as he watched Jiyong chase Seunghyun through the room.

* * *

* * *

Jiyong was fast asleep — still bone tired from drinking too much with Youngbae and Chaerin the night before — when his dream suddenly started to take an interesting turn. He was with Seunghyun in a hot spring and they were butt naked. Everything was warm and steamy and Jiyong could feel how all of his blood was rushing south as dream Seunghyun started to kiss down his neck and chest — he was getting pressed against the cool marble wall behind him in the dream and pushed out of the water just enough that Seunghyun could take one of his nipples into his mouth and suck on them, making him squirm and needy for more. 

He could see how dream Seunghyun slowly made his way down his chest — his hands were spreading his thighs apart and he was making himself comfortable between them, and then he suddenly dived under the water and took his already hardening dick into his mouth and

—that’s when he woke up, with a loud moan and his back arching off the bed. His heart was beating fast and he was so fucking horny he couldn’t take it anymore — he was about to reach down to his aching dick, when he suddenly felt another sensation. There was a tongue on his dick and hands spreading his thighs apart — his head snapped down so fast, only to see Seunghyun between them, with a smug grin on his lips that were currently spread around his dick, sucking it noisily into his mouth and an embarrassingly high moan escaped him again. 

He let his body relax and fall back into the sheets as Seunghyun continued to smirk at him while sucking him off — shit that was a good way to get woken up to. His breathing speed up whenever Seunghyun would run his tongue over the underside of his dick — probing at it with the tip of his tongue, before making zig-zag patterns across it with his tongue and making Jiyong’s eyes roll back. If there was something Seunghyun was amazing at then it was rapping — and sucking him off. 

“Fuck,  _ baby _ —!” His moan broke off as Seunghyun slipped a lubed finger inside of him, curling it upwards and making Jiyong’s hips jump. He was painfully hard now — his mind was still foggy from sleep, but having Seunghyun’s lips wrapped around him was pure bliss. 

Seunghyun bobbed his head, taking more of him into his mouth until the tip of his dick hit the back of his throat — slipping down past it and Jiyong’s thighs started to shake. 

His orgasm hit him by surprise — he was still sleepy; before he knew it he was arching his back and clawing at the sheets and then he buried his hands in Seunghyun’s hair, pushing him down on his dick one more time and then he came. He tried to keep his eyes on Seunghyun, but it was so incredibly hard, because right at the moment he started to come he could feel that Seunghyun was sucking a bit harder on his dick, and curled his finger up against his prostate and it worked like a catalyst; he came hard and fast, spilling down Seunghyun’s throat. 

His hands fell uselessly back from Seunghyun’s hair onto the mattress — chest heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath again; he whimpered as Seunghyun sucked at his softening dick one last time, before he came up from between his legs, leaving a trail of kisses behind. 

“Happy 10th anniversary, my love.”

Seunghyun leaned in, kissing him softly on the lips and Jiyong sighed happily. So that was the reason why he got woken up by and impromptu good morning blowjob; now that he was a little bit more awake it started to make sense to him, too. He had been out with Youngbae and Chaerin, because Seunghyun had told him to get out of the house for the day — saying he had something special planned for today and Jiyong had went all too willingly. 

He had already everything ready for his present; It was a romantic two week trip to Tahiti to a private resort. It was the one he had booked even before Seunghyun had enlisted and for the past month he had made  _ sure _ that Seunghyun would  _ not _ be busy when they would fly there. Which proved to be rather difficult, because whenever Seunghyun would ask him if they wanted to go to that exhibition in a few weeks he would have to say no, or that they should pick a different date, or when he told him that he was planning on visiting Kohei or someone else during _ those _ two weeks, Jiyong had to be careful about suggesting that  _ maybe _ it would be better to schedule it for anytime,  _ but _ those weeks. 

Jiyong was absolutely positive that Seunghyun had already caught up to it, yet he liked to pretend that Seunghyun had  _ no clue whatsoever  _ about their planned super secret getaway. But then Seunghyun was kind of a smug asshole, because the other day he had asked Jiyong again if he could do something during those two week (smug bastard had actually figured out from when to when they would be gone) or if he should  _ make sure it was any other time but that _ . 

He had looked at him, less than impressed and Seunghyun had walked away cackling. 

At least he didn’t know where they would go just yet — and what exactly he had planned  _ besides _ the obvious getaway, which often consisted of trying every position there was under the sun and living out their kinkiest fantasies out in the open. He didn’t think that Seunghyun had thought beyond the sex part and them having fun and he would also be the one who would pack some extra clothes into his own suitcase that were a little bit more formal than a baggy shirt and some loose cotton pants so they wouldn’t get married looking like they just had rolled out of bed, even if that would most likely be the case.

He couldn’t help but grin to himself when he thought about that. 

  
“Happy Anniversary to you, too baby. I must say, I could get used to waking up to your mouth on my dick.” Seunghyun playfully nudged him into the side for that, before he leaned in for another kiss — his whole body pressing him now back into the mattress and Jiyong purred like a kitten at that. He loved to feel Seunghyun’s whole body weight on him like that — it made him feel so comfortable and safe. But it hadn’t always come easy for Seunghyun to lay down on Jiyong’s chest with his full body on top of his — too many hang ups about his own weight and how much more he weight in middle school. Jiyong had managed to get rid off those fears by now and always smiled so much bigger when Seunghyun would just crawl up to him and snuggle close like he did now. 

Seunghyun snorted and now he could feel how hard he was himself. “Well — any chance of you returning the favour?” His fiancé rolled his hips, dragging his achingly hard cock against Jiyong’s hip and he grinned lazily.

He felt like teasing. “Oh, but I am so  _ tired _ , I don’t think I am in the mood right now. Besides, you sucked me off so good I don’t think I have any energy left to blow you right now.” he stifled a fake yawn, just to add to the dramatics.

He could basically feel how Seunghyun growled at that, pushing him a little bit harder and Jiyong grinned even bigger now. His smile getting naughty and playful. “—you can fuck my mouth though.” 

Seunghyun had him on his knees so fast he nearly got whiplash.

* * *

They didn’t leave the bed until much later — and the only reason why they  _ did _ leave the bed was to feed Iye and give him some extra snacks, because otherwise he would come bother them again in the span of two hours — and Jiyong did  _ not _ want to repeat the incident of him fucking Seunghyun, and Iye biting into his naked butt cheek, because he was hungry and wanted to be fed. Seunghyun still laughed about the faint scar it left behind and whenever he brought it up — Jiyong would only glare at him. 

Seunghyun had prepared food for them the day before already, so they didn’t had to do much, but to heat it up in the microwave again and then it was ready to eat. There was also wine and some rum, because nothing was better than good sex, food, and getting plastered with the love of your life on your tenth anniversary. 

They had retreated back into the bedroom when they decided that now would be a good idea to exchange gifts — Jiyong started first and it felt a little bit anticlimactic to just hand Seunghyun the envelope, but then he had to do it like that anyways. 

He saw how Seunghyun’s whole face lit up as he opened the envelope and read through the letter Jiyong had placed inside as well — it was tradition by now; every year Jiyong would write a letter to Seunghyun and he often included random things like a ticket from that one time they went to the movies in Paris, or the tickets from that one art exhibition where they had been alone, with no staff around and held hands in front of the paintings. Small stuff like that, and it alway made Seunghyun so  _ soft _ and he loved that he was able to turn the big, bad, T.O.P into a blushing and cooing mess. — this year was no different. He totally nailed those letters every year — no expectations. 

“You are the cutest fucker around here, you know that?” Seunghyun was holding one of his own hands against his warm cheeks, and Jiyong smiled. 

  
“Yeah, I know — now chop chop and look at the other thing in the envelope!” He was getting a little impatient; he wanted to know if the destination was something Seunghyun would also love as much he did. While Jiyong absolutely loved anything tropical, his fiancé prefered something not as hot, which was why he thought Tahiti would be perfect. The temperature mostly stayed somewhere between 24°C and 27°C all year round so it never got too hot for Seunghyun to curse at him, but always stayed relatively warm — just enough for Jiyong to laze around in the sun like a cat, while he thought of another way to fuck Seunghyun. 

It seemed perfect — and by the reaction he got from Seunghyun, he was not the only one who was happy. 

“ _ Two _ whole weeks?!” — there was an unbelieving smile on Seunghyun’s lips. 

“Yeah, plus another surprise but I will only tell you about it when we are there so you will have to be a good boy until then and behave — why do you think I didn’t want you to plan anything at the end of next month?”

“I don’t know, maybe you just wanted to tie me to the bed and not let me out of the bedroom for that time. Didn’t think we would be there for two whole weeks. — and really? But that’s still so long until then — and I want to know now!”

“Why — already complaining?” Jiyong’s voice was playful as he left a few kisses on Seunghyun’s chest and neck, totally ignoring the pouting in Seunghyun’s voice and his plea to him of wanting to know what the  _ other  _ surprise was.

“Absolutely, how dare you book this wonderful trip for us —  _ two full weeks _ just for our own pleasure and rolling around in bed and the sun. This is a  _ total nightmare, _ I don’t think I will be able to—!” Before Seunghyun could say anymore nonsense and make Jiyong laugh even more, he got a pillow to the face. Rightfully deserved, Jiyong might add. But that only lead to Seunghyun cackling like a lunatic, before he grabbed a pillow on his own and hit Jiyong scare in the face.

A grave mistake — Jiyong took the pillow in his hand and slowly let it fall from his face, his eyes screaming bloody murder and then he darted forward, wanting to smother Seunghyun with his own damn pillow, but the other man was faster. He got up from the bed, butt naked as on the day he was born, and darted out of the room with Jiyong on his heels — Seunghyun was holding onto his own weapon of choice; another pillow; as he abruptly came to an stop in the middle of the living room and turned around. Jiyong acted fast — he took a big swing back and tried to hit Seunghyun the face, but the fucker simply crouched and then he got tackled to the ground and onto the fluffy carpet that was placed in the spacious area between the TV and the couch. 

“Oh, fuck you Seunghyun!” — he was cackling so loudly, gasping for air between laughs as Seunghyun simply sat down on his stomach and pinned his arms to the ground. He tried to move his hips or his legs, to get the other man off him, but no use. Defeated, he let his legs fall back down on the carpet and snorted when he saw the proud look on Seunghyun’s face.

His fiancé was such a kid. 

“You are adorable like that; pinned to the ground, hair a mess and painted, while not wearing a single piece of clothing.”

“Aren't you happy that we got the house so you could fuck me whenever, right?” 

Seunghyun had a wolfish grin on his lips and leaned down for a kiss. “Exactly—” 

He was mentally already ready for another round, when Seunghyun suddenly pulled away and rolled off him. “—but before we do that, you will get your anniversary present. Go sit up and make yourself comfortable in front of the TV while I get the present!”

“Ugh, fine!” Jiyong tried to sound pissy, but honestly, postponing sex for a (probably) amazing anniversary gift was worth it and he secretly was super excited and nervous about what Seunghyun got him for today. He hadn’t asked him about stuff he wanted, because Seunghyun by now knew better than to ask Jiyong what he wanted — for one; it would totally kill the illusion and two; Jiyong already had everything he wanted. Material stuff at least, and Seunghyun knew that, which was why he always came up with the best and most creative ideas for his presents and Jiyong was floored every single time. 

He came back with one of their blankets in one hand to probably wrap them into, and something that looked a looked a lot like a VHS cassette? Where the hell had he found one of these? His eyes were practically glued on it and Seunghyun laughed bashfully — he sat down next to him and wrapped the blanket around them. It was still cold as hell outside. 

“You got me a VHS cassette? Oh my, what old home videos did you find?”

Seunghyun laughed again, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “Something like that, why don’t you take a closer look.”

Now that made Jiyong curious. He carefully took the cassette into his own hands, and quickly realized that the cassette was only some type of container for something else. It looked absolutely adorable though, because there were doodles on it again and Jiyong could clearly read ‘ _ Since Middle School _ ’ written on the small label in the middle of the cassette. 

My god what did Seunghyun come up with? — he carefully opened the cassette and was greeted by, of course, a bunch of daisies. But these had been made out of clay and where glued to the inside of the cassette and hand painted. Jesus, had Seunghyun made those? His fingers carefully glided over each of them — they had been primed with some special paint; Seunghyun had told him which one a while ago, but Jiyong had forgotten again — and sprayed with something special as well, because they were smooth to look at and to touch and Jiyong cooed when he saw that Seunghyun had drawn small faces on them as well. 

But there was something else in there, too — an USB stick. 

Jiyong took it out and gingerly put aside the cassette. 

“Plunge it into the TV and come back here, so I can hide my face in your neck, while I totally embarrass myself here, alright?” — Jiyong looked back to Seunghyun now; he was as red as a damn tomato and there was that smile on his lips again that told him just  _ how _ embarrassed he was, but also lowkey proud and now Jiyong just  _ had _ to know what was on this damn stick.

Jiyong scrambled to his legs and lunged forward to the TV; he was back nestling into Seunghyun’s side again in no time with the remote in hand and pressed the buttons frantically until whatever Seunghyun had prepared popped up on the screen and Jiyong gaped.

It was some type of movie or something, Jiyong wasn’t sure just yet. The scene was filmed by someone of Seunghyun’s family; Jiyong recognized his mother, playing with baby him in a sandbox and Jiyong had to smile — Seunghyun was such a cute baby. 

He was getting lost watching baby Seunghyun on screen when he could suddenly hear Seunghyun’s voice — he was narrating the scene and now Jiyong knew what this would be. His fiancé had actually made a documentary. Of what exactly he wasn’t sure just yet, but his heart melted already. 

“— _ I was only a couple of months old and didn’t care about a thing, but looking back at it I got emotional. The date this was recorded was August 15th, just three days before someone who would forever change my life was born. Kwon Jiyong. _ ”

The scene cut to more video clips, but this time of Jiyong — they were all of terrible quality and the sound was a little bit off, too. Just what you would expect from old VHS tapes — and then the scenes moved on to an older version of Jiyong. He must have been his first day of middle school — Jiyong still remembered how he hated the new uniform and that he was self-conscious about the haircut he had gotten just a few days before and his mother had taken way too many videos of him, before school had started and back then he had  _ hated  _ it, but now he looked back to these times and smiled; even more so when the video cut to a scene where he could see chubby and cute Seunghyun in the background. He was actively staring at Jiyong, who was busy in the foreground, complaining at his sister for pinching his cheeks and cooing at him.

“— _ we got along so well it was almost comical. I used to hate to go to school, but you changed that. Whenever I felt like going back to sleep in the morning I had to think of you getting pissed at me and I didn’t like that idea at all. I knew how bitchy you could get whenever I didn’t show up, so I always forced myself to come to school  _ —  _ and as soon as you stood in front of me it was only half as bad as I had feared it would be. I even started to like to go to school, if it meant that I could see you. Back then, I just thought of you as my special friend  _ —  _ that’s what I always called you in my head. My special Jiyong. I didn’t know back then that it actually meant so much more. _ ” 

There were so many pictures of them shown next; most of them were taking by their moms — Jiyong styling his hair in the weirdest ways possible, Seunghyun pulling faces at the camera, both of them laying on the couch upside down with their legs over the back of the couch and their heads hanging down; faces red and them laughing like idiots. More videos of them bickering and laughing together — they were sitting on the ground in the next shot; rap music blasting in the background and Jiyong recognized his old room. The posters, the clothes laying around, all the CDs on the ground, everything and it brought him back to the good old times where they had still dreamed about becoming rappers and standing on stages. 

“ _ We worked hard, even back then. Without you, I would have probably never believed in my talent. Before you, I just had scribbled down words for my own entertainment, but with you it suddenly made sense; wanting to achieve big things and to reach for the stars. You made it seem so easy, and you were so good at everything in a really playful way and I admired you so much, even back then. _ ”

There were so many pictures of them goofing around at home, in class, Seunghyun and him sneaking out during the summer break in the middle of the night to take a short trip to the Han River — Jiyong still remembered in how much trouble they both had gotten that night. It was kinda funny actually, because the first reaction Seunghyun’s mom had to realizing that Seunghyun was not indeed in bed and asleep was to call Jiyong’s mother to see if he was at either his place, or if Jiyong was missing, too. 

Sometimes he really wondered why their parents had not picked up on them being more than just friends way sooner — or if they had, but never really asked, because they figured they would eventually come around and tell them. 

Jiyong shook his head, laughing to himself and in awe. Seunghyun must have worked on this for  _ ages _ . — There were so many more clips, accompanying them through their middle school years and eventually it skipped to High School. There weren’t as many pictures of them during that time, because Jiyong had been so busy with training back then, but there were tons of pictures of them hanging out in clubs they were both too young for and them getting drunk together. 

—and then there was one picture he didn’t remember at all. 

They were sitting curled up under one of the tables in that one club they had  _ loved _ to go to — Jiyong recognized the floor and the decor; something he did not recall was what else the picture was showing.

“— _ I don’t think you remember this night, but we actually had our first kiss then.” _

Jiyong gaped. That was  _ ages _ ago — back then he had just come to terms with him being gay and not being interested in girls in the slightest. Had he really been that shit faced that he had just pulled Seunghyun under the table and kissed him?

He had to press the ‘stop’ button for a second and looked over at Seunghyun, mouth still open and staring at him in disbelieve.

“I  _ kissed you _ back then?!” 

Seunghyun tried to hold it in, but he burst into a fit of giggles. “Continue watching—!”

“We could have been together  _ since then  _ and you tell me just to continue to watch?!” Jiyong wasn’t sure what to say — he was secretly extremely pleased, because this meant that his first kiss with a man was  _ Seunghyun _ and that Seunghyun’s first kiss with another man had happened with  _ him _ and that made him swoon, but he was also a little bit miffed, because  _ god damn  _ they could have dated since then! All the heartache he would have not had to go through!

He clicked his tongue and pressed play again — holding Seunghyun’s hand tightly.

“— _ we were both so drunk, but I remember how happy I was while I kissed you. I had kissed only one girl before you and it had felt weird and not good at all, but kissing you was amazing and I didn’t want to stop kissing you that night, but then you threw up all over my shoes and I had to get you home.”  _ Oh, so  _ that _ was why they stopped kissing. “— _ I brought you home and your mother was so angry with me. You were so drunk and out of it and you told your mom not to shout at your  _ future husband  _ and god, you should have seen your mother’s face! But you passed out shortly after that and your parents were too busy to carry you to bed than to really think about what drunk you had talked about.” _

God, Jiyong wanted to bury his face in his hands and crawl under the couch. He had said  _ that _ ? Now he was suddenly glad he didn’t remember anything anymore.

“— _ the reason why I never told you what happened that night was, because it sent me into my own personal and hormonal teenage nightmare. Up until that point I had thought I was straight, but then you showed up in your skinny jeans and tight shirts like a wrecking ball and completely ruined my heterosexuality. Truly a sight to behold.”  _

Jiyong snorted so loud at that tho — Seunghyun had such a sexy voice, but then he would come up with metaphors like that and Jiyong remembered how much of an dork he truly was. 

They sat there for god knows how long and Jiyong soaked in every moment that was shown on screen — he more than once teared up as he saw them slowly getting older; how their faces and hair colours changed, how their baggy clothes slowly disappeared and were replaced by more fitting and fashionable things. Jiyong knew that they had changed a lot since then, but it was always nice to see how far they had come. A reminder he didn’t know he had wanted to have and now he had a self-made home video from his fiancé for that. 

The years passed and the terrible VHS quality or motorola razr graphics disappeared and got replaced by a thousand times better phone cameras. Seunghyun continued to narrate their lives and talked about old times — showing a few clips of their friends, too and of the early days of BigBang when they still all lived in the dorm together. Jiyong could only picture how that would work out today — the other members would probably scream bloody murder and run out of the house as soon as Jiyong and Seunghyun would start to make out.

“— _ I don’t think I ever told you, but when we lived together and I saw you getting ready to go out I was so incredibly jealous all the time. Even when I had a girlfriend; I would see you in those skinny jeans, or in those shirts that were cut out way too deep and I hated it how much I was noticing you. I got more possessive and jealous over you than I ever got over my ex girlfriend. She would wear those skirts or whatever and I wouldn't care  _ —  _ all I saw was you and I know it took me a while to finally come around and tell you. But I am glad I finally made the step  _ —  _ well, you made it.”  _

And then there were pictures of them curled up in bed with Jiyong burying his nose against Seunghyun’s neck and wearing one of his hoodies and Jiyong smiling dumbly at the camera was he pulled Jiyong closer to his neck. That was the night they finally got together; Jiyong had just taken him by his hand out of the club and kissed him — similar to what had happened the very first time they had kissed, but this time around Jiyong remembered and there had been  _ a lot _ more touching, too. 

They had stumbled home after that — curling up in bed and making out until the wee hours and sleeping in the next they they almost missed their schedule. That was the first time one of their makeup artists screamed at them for having their neck covered in hickeys and it had been far from the last time.   
  


There were now so many clips of them laying around on the bed, the couch, cuddling up in the back of a car or them sitting close together on set whenever they would film a CF, new music video or were invited to a show. Jiyong had almost forgotten some of these had actually existed — there were just so many amazing memories of them. 

Another two years passed and Jiyong started to get an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach — those were the times where their troubles began. They had started to fight a lot more during that time; schedules too stressful, tempers too short, you name it. Whatever the reason had been, those times had not been as happy as the previous clips, but Seunghyun had included them anyways. 

On screen, there was a scene where Seunghyun was approaching Jiyong, trying to kiss him, but Jiyong obviously was in a bad mood — and then they started to fight. He hated to see that. 

“— _ you probably ask yourself why I included this. Well, the answer is simple. Life consists of ups and downs  _ —  _ and so does our relationship; and that is normal, human. We fought a lot back then and it ended with us breaking up  _ —  _ but even that was not the end of us.” _

There was now a video clip playing that he couldn’t remember at all. It was of Seunghyun — he was filming himself and there were tears in his eyes and he looked so  _ miserable _ . Fuck, did he look like that because of him? Jiyong bit his tongue, fighting back his own tears. He knew that Seunghyun was crying because of him — he had seen it only a handful of times before, but never quite like this. It must have been from the time where they had been broken up, because nowadays whenever they had a fight and Jiyong would try to cool down. He would go outside for a smoke and come back ten minutes later to look after Seunghyun, and Seunghyun did the same. They had learned from their mistakes. Leaving things unsaid was the worst that could happen. 

“— _ I want you to know that even when we fight that you are still the most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that. Even when we are at each other’s throat, because of stupid stuff and I don’t want to see you, you are still my number one person and you showed me again and again that we are unlike any other couple I know. We are like turtle and shell, almond and chocolate, chicken and beer  _ —  _ a double combo that no one can break apart. _ ”

Suddenly there were so many scenes after another — happy times again of them across the globe, on tour and in the privacy of their hotel room. Them spending time with friends and family, sometimes the most random moments of their life were shoved into this movie, too and Jiyong loved it. He hang to every word Seunghyun was saying, listened intentionally to everything he commented on and soaked up all the information. 

Every now and then he could feel Seunghyun squeezing his hand and he squeezed back.

It took at least another twenty minutes until they were finally at scenes that were from not too long ago — one of them was the day Jiyong had come back from the military; Dami had apparently filmed them when Jiyong had darted out of the elevator and had run up to Seunghyun who had pulled him into a bone crushing hug and twirled him around — the tape had also recorded the moment Iye had started to claw his way up Jiyong’s leg and back and had demanded attention, because his dad was back home and Jiyong had both cried because he was back home and had his cat in his arms again while Seunghyun kissed his cheek, and also because Iye had managed to scratch up his back. 

Seunghyun had to put ointment on his back for three days straight, but it had always ended in a very sexy massage and blowjobs, too so even that had had it’s plus points. 

There were so many clips of that day actually; Seunghyun had been running around with his phone in his hand nonstop. — He had taken pictures and videos of  _ everything _ . Even when Jiyong had taken pictures of his dad he had been taking pictures of them — during dinner, too. Seunghyun had smiled at him all night long and in the end, they hadn’t slept at all that night, too happy about the fact that the military service was finally over for both of them and they were back in their own home. 

“—  _ In the last ten years, you have shown me so much, taught me so much about the world and myself and honestly, I sometimes ask myself how you are not sick of me, yet, but I am so glad you still see the very best in me, even when I have hurt you multiple times by now. I can’t promise you that there won’t be hard times, too, but I can promise you that I will make up for all of them  _ —  _ I will continue to try my best to make you happy, because you don’t deserve anything less. You are such an incredible person and if I could I would pick every single daisy on this planet just to bring it to you to show you how much I love you.”  _

There was another scene — this one had been just from the day before. It had been around noon and it was one of the clips Jiyong had made of Seunghyun — he had been running around like a headless chicken for ages, because he had not been able to find any of his glasses and Jiyong had cackled at him for god knows how long. This was the final video he had taken of Seunghyun — Jiyong knew because Seunghyun was glaring at him and Jiyong sounded utterly breathless by now from laughing so hard. 

“— _ come on, can’t you just tell me where they are? You hid them, didn’t you?” _

_ “No, I did not! You know that two of your glasses are getting repaired right now because you dropped one the other day, and the second pair got ruined when he had sex and you threw them to the side, because you didn’t want them to be in your way when you kissed me and then we ended up fucking on them and _ —”

“ _ Jiyong, please. Just tell me where my glasses are _ —”

In the video, Jiyong laughed again, but he came closer to Seunghyun who looked pretty fed up by now. 

“ _ Do you wanna see a magic trick? _ ”

“ _ Jiyong, if you now bury a pencil in my eye to make a cool Batman reference I will _ —!” But Seunghyun didn’t get to complain, because Jiyong leaned up to him and kissed him on the lips, while he simultaneously pulled down the glasses that had been resting on top of Seunghyun’s head the whole damn time. 

Jiyong leaned back again and Seunghyun opened his eyes — a little bit perplexed at what had just happened, but then he realized what Jiyong had done and where his glasses had been this whole time and he groaned again; this time burying his face in his hands and rubbing them over it — the glasses nearly falling from his face in the process. Video Jiyong was laughing so hard by now the whole camera was shaking — he reached for the glasses and carefully placed them on the coffee table. He then put his free hand on Seunghyun’s chest and pushed him back until the back of his knees hit the couch and he fell back. 

“— _ my poor baby, are you angry?” _

Video Seunghyun just glared up at him and Jiyong knew what was coming now — this video was from the day before after all and he already felt his skin getting hot and tingly and he heard the blood rushing through his veins in his ears. He looked over to Seunghyun, who had his eyes still trained on the screen — where they really going to watch a video clip of them having sex now? It seemed like they were because Seunghyun pulled him against his body — his still very  _ naked _ body and Jiyong suddenly got aware of the fact again and his dick got hard almost immediately.

In the video, Jiyong placed the phone on the table — tilting it upwards and making sure it would not fall over as he secured it with a pile of books and whatever else he found laying around — and then he climbed into Seunghyun's lap, unbuttoning his shirt while talking to him in that slightly higher and cute voice. He didn’t do it as much anymore as he did when they were younger, but he still knew for a fact that it drove Seunghyun absolutely mad with passion and desire for him and it always ended in the best orgasms. Yesterday had been one of those days. 

He could feel himself stir and swell — was it narcissistic to get this horny from watching themselves having sex? — The first moan was audible in the clip; Jiyong had lost his own shirt and underwear by now and was stroking over Seunghyun’s chest, while he rubbed himself against his growing erection. It was far from the first time that they were watching one of the  _ home video _ they had created over time, aka their sex tapes so Jiyong should have been used to it by now, but he really wasn’t. He was achingly hard within seconds and then he could feel how Seunghyun’s big, warm hand let go of his own and instead moved down to his thigh, stroking it tenderly, before he reached for his dick and Jiyong gasped. 

“Thought this might be a nice way to end the documentary, don’t you think?” 

Seunghyun obviously said that to tease him, but Jiyong wasn’t listening to him anymore. Well, he was, but only so much — he had Seunghyun’s hand on his dick and even the slightest movement caused him to shudder and then he could hear the moans coming from the speakers and god Jiyong just wanted to touch Seunghyun, and Seunghyun to touch  _ him _ . He let the remote fall to the ground with a loud clattering noise and pushed Seunghyun back onto the fluffy carpet. Just the day before they had been in a similar situation — Seunghyun on his back and a very horny Jiyong in his lap. — He briefly wondered if they would ever grow out of the phase of them jumping each other whenever, but he quickly lost that train of thought when Seunghyun grabbed him roughly at the back of his head and pulled him down for a kiss. His lips were still soft and faintly tasted of himself when Seunghyun had sucked him off a bit ago — the taste was distinct and he would have barely noticed if they wouldn't have been fucking like bunnies for the past ten years, and it still made him hot as anything. He loved to taste himself on Seunghyun — because in a way that meant he had branded him as his. He was still as possessive of him as he had been on the very first day they had gotten together and he doubted that that would ever go away, but now he really knew that they would be together forever, no matter what. — Even if they fought, even if Jiyong would have to pretend to be dating some models for whatever reason, even if Seunghyun would be away filming another movie for two months and they would not be able to see each other at all or to hear from one another — even then. 

Seunghyun was his and he belonged to Seunghyun.

He spread his legs and reached behind his back; taking Seunghyun’s aching member into his own hand, stroking it a couple of times. He was still fucked open from earlier when Seunghyun had fucked him with his fingers — he sat up on his knees, only to slowly let himself down on his fiancés cock again. Jiyong couldn’t help but throw back his head a little bit and moan. He could hear the sounds from the tape; skin slapping against skin, wet noises of Seunghyun fucking up into Jiyong and their joined moans and grunts and he took right off. He moved his hips around, rolling them frantically, before he slowly worked himself up into a quick up and down motion, bouncing on Seunghyun’s cock.

Jiyong was being loud — even louder than usually. He wanted to show Seunghyun just how good he made him feel whenever they had sex, he wanted him to know just how fucking wonderful it always felt to be close to him like that. Another part of him also wanted to be louder than the sex tape of them running in the background, but that was only a minor thing. Seunghyun reached for his hips, hands sliding down to his ass and grabbing a handful of it — kneading it between spread fingers as he groaned smugly. 

Seunghyun then sat up; their chests now touching and Jiyong let his arms drop around his fiancé’s neck — they were face to face now, breathing the same air. Jiyong thought back to all the times they had been in this position and he slowed down his movements; his thighs were burning already and he wanted this to be more than a quick fuck after seeing themselves on tape. Seunghyun had worked hard on his present and Jiyong needed him to understand how happy this present had made him feel. 

The first time they had had sex had been exactly ten years ago — it was somehow hard to believe. How had time passed so fast? And yet it felt like a whole fucking lifetime. Jiyong would never, not in his wildest dreams, think about switching places with anyone else. No matter what hardships they had to go through in the future, he would do it if it meant he would be able to stay on Seunghyun’s side and there was no trace of doubt left that Seunghyun wouldn’t do everything in his power to do the same for him. 

His movements were slow and tender now; with the help of Seunghyun they rolled around — Jiyong once more on his back with Seunghyun looming over him. The sex tape had ended. Not that he was paying attention to the screen anymore, but he could hear how there was suddenly music again — it was an old song Seunghyun had recorded with another member that was not him, but Jiyong was too blissed out to think who the other person was. But he did know the song — Chingu.

Back then Seunghyun had told him that  _ no, this song is not about you _ , but even back then he had known that it had been about him. About him, and Seunghyun falling in love with him and finally realizing what was going on, of being scared to fall in love and what it could mean for their friendship. 

If he could, he would show the Seunghyun from all those years ago where they were now. He would show both of their past selves were they were now — so they wouldn’t fight about trivial shit and get jealous whenever someone so much as breathed around the other one. He would do so much to show them all the amazing moments that were yet to come—

But Jiyong knew better now. 

He didn’t want to know what the future held for them; instead, he wanted to get surprised by it. The good, the bad; everything. He finally saw the thrill in not knowing what would happen, had thousands of butterflies in his stomach again from just thinking about the future Seunghyun and he would share. There were a thousand possibilities and Jiyong wanted to try them all with him. 

Seunghyun swiveled his hips, pressing their bodies against one another and effectively trapping Jiyong’s dick between their stomachs. — It was the sweetest type of torture and Jiyong clawed his way into Seunghyun’s back. The sweetest curses and moans were spilling from his lips — breathy and high and Jiyong let his hands wander all lover Seunghyun’s body again. He just needed to touch him, to stroke his soft skin, to grab his ass and to let his finger slip between his cheeks while they kissed so he could feel how Seunghyun slowly lost it while they made love. He was slowly losing precision with his tongue and lips when they slowly approached their high — and Jiyong loved it. He wasn’t thinking straight anymore either, everything was so stifling hot and the blanket around them made everything feel sticky with sweat.

His head was spinning and he suddenly felt overwhelmed by his feelings — the way Seunghyun was touching him was too much, the way he was looking at him right now, too. He felt it everywhere — in his heart, his stomach, his dick — even in his goddamn  _ bones _ and he loved it. He loved the reaction Seunghyun caused inside of him and how when Seunghyun started to fuck into him a little bit harder he threw his head back in pleasure. There were a billion things he loved about Seunghyun and another thing of those was how much he reacted to him as well. Jiyong could feel how his gaze was tearing into him and how it was breaking him apart and he let him — he was willing and he looked back and saw a whole universe in those eyes. A whole universe of thousands of possibilities, of a thousand lives they could live, places they could go to and hobbies they could explore together. 

When they came together, Seunghyun was holding onto his hand — intertwined fingers and all and didn’t let go. Not even when they were both out of breath and totally sweaty, covered in cum and catching their breaths. Jiyong could feel how his nerve ends were still buzzing and how his legs felt like jelly — just like after their first time. 

He grinned stupidly and pressed another stew of kisses onto Seunghyun’s chest — sucking a lovebite right to where his heart was. 

“Are you gonna tell me what the final surprise is when we are in Tahiti, or do I have to annoy you until you spill it to me?” 

Jiyong lazily opened his eyes — a cheshire grin on his lips. 

“Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore, right?”

“You do know that I am an actor, right? I can be really convincing, you know?”

“Oh, can you? I haven’t noticed.” 

Seunghyun pinched him into his sides, like he always did when Jiyong was teasing him and when he was being a little shit and Seunghyun wanted him to behave — but instead of shutting him up, it made him giggle and Seunghyun saw this as cue to make him laugh even more. His hands worked so quickly against Jiyong’s side he had no chance of escaping the assault he was going through right now; Seunghyun’s fingers were gliding all over the wrong, or right, places, depending how you looked at it. For him — definitely the wrong places, because he was laughing so hard he could barely breathe and he was gasping for air.

“Are you gonna tell me now—?” 

Seunghyun stopped tickling him for a moment, and Jiyong took the chance to try to get air back into his lungs, but his fiancé was still on top of him, pressing him into the ground and it made it a little bit harder than usually for Jiyong to just catch his breath. 

The silence and him panting and gasping had obviously been the wrong answer, because Seunghyun was tickling again — and then he slipped down a little bit and blew raspberries on top Jiyong’s stomach and Jiyong went  _ berserk.  _ He was kicking and screaming and gasping and laughing so hard he was afraid he would pass out any moment now — he knew he had to give up.

“Alright — Alright! I yield!” Seunghyun finally stopped, big pleased grin on his face as he watched Jiyong catch his breath. 

“I planned a wedding — our wedding. On Tahiti.” His heart was beating so fast. “I know, it’s not legally binding in Korea, but fuck, if we can I want us to get married in every damn country were we can legally get married. I love you so much.” 

There were another thousand words flying around in his head but none of them made sense in the slightest right now and he just had to get out the words that were most important. 

Seunghyun looked like he wanted to say a thousand things right now; mouth gapped, eyes wide and the biggest blush he had ever seen on the other man’s face. — Jiyong shouldn’t feel so smug about making his fiancé this speechless, but he was. Seunghyun normally always knew what to say, even if it just was a stupid joke, a sly remark — anything. But not now. His eyes started to water and there was only one thing he managed to say.

“Yes.”

* * *

* * *

The sun was warm and felt so nice on Jiyong’s skin; just like the hot sand under his feet as and the cool drink in his hand. He had really lucked out with their location. The private bungalow was big, and the décor looked absolutely breathtaking. Some parts of the floor were made out of glass and you could watch the turquoise water cause ripples and crash gently against the wooden poles the house was standing on. It definitely had been worth the dreadful fourteen hours in total it had taken them to get here. A small price to pay for a little piece of heaven like this. 

He stretched his arms up high and his legs — he really understood why Iye liked to doze in the sun so much, it felt fantastic. Especially if he had another warm body next to him, that was effectively trying to get away from too much sun and heat. But Jiyong was having none of that; he rolled around until he was halfway on top of a sleeping Seunghyun; his cheek pressed against Seunghyun’s chest, an arm wrapped around his middle and a thigh pressed between his legs with their legs intertwined. He knew that Seunghyun would wake up in no time — he never was able to sleep if he was feeling too hot and Jiyong was right.

Not even two minutes later, Seunghyun started to wiggle around uncomfortably until a whine escaped his lips, making Jiyong crack up.

“Jiyong — be nice. It is way too hot to cuddle, how can you stand this heat?”

“ _ Heat _ ? You are adorable, it’s only 29°C and you are already complaining?” 

“That’s at least ten degrees too hot for intense cuddling on the beach if you ask me.” 

Jiyong snorted, but totally ignored him and cuddled up against his chest again. There was no way he would get up now — he was merciless when it came to cuddling. As in taking no prisoners, no matter how much Seunghyun was whining about the heat and him being too hot. Plus, he was always super cute when he did that and as long as he didn’t get heat rage they both were perfectly fine. 

Seunghyun seemed to quickly realize that whining did not have the desired effect on Jiyong and he sighed, pouting and puffing out his cheeks. 

  
“Can you at least get me some of the peaches if you are already going to hold me hostage? I’m getting hungry and as delicious as you are, I really need to get some food into me.” 

“Of course.” He kissed Seunghyun’s chest again — sweetly, before he let got if only for a moment and reached over to the cool box. He quickly handed Seunghyun a fresh bottle of water, who gulped it down nearly in no time, and pulled out one of the peaches and a knife. After so many years of peeling these damn things, he had become an absolute pro at it. Within half a minute the whole fruit was peeled and cut into a few pieces and placed onto one of the plates that were also in the cooler. 

He handed everything over to Seunghyun, making sure to throw away the peach skin and to clean his hands, before he cuddled up against Seunghyun again who was happily munching on his cut and peeled peaches. 

Jiyong stretched lazy again, until his muscles shook slightly and then he went lax again, yawning right into Seunghyun’s face accidentally in the process. 

“Ugh, this mistreatment! How have I been putting up with you for so long now?”

“Oh, there are perks.” He smiled up at Seunghyun, his eyes slowly getting heavy. 

“What perks? You drooling on me at night and nailing me in the chin?” 

Jiyong snorted; he could clearly see that Seunghyun was smiling and he yawned another time. This time he tried to stifle it and ended up yawning against Seunghyun’s chest instead of his face — the warm weather really did put you to sleep. 

To be fair, the sun was already setting and the beautiful sunset was making everything turn into warm colors and it was so quiet and idyllic here, how could you not be completely relaxed?

Seunghyun tightened his arms around Jiyong, peppering sweet kisses onto his forehead and side of his face. “Come on, sleepy head. Let’s relocate. I can tell that you are about to fall asleep in less than a minute.” 

Jiyong only babbled back in his sleepy baby voice, not moving a single muscle to get back to their bungalow. 

“Alright; I will carry you — but this is the last time, you hear me? I am getting old, you know.” 

He absently nodded his head, knowing fully well that this was by far the last time Seunghyun would carry him from the beach back to their bungalow, or Seunghyun carrying him anywhere generally. Seunghyun loved it, but was too much of a baby to admit it so Jiyong indulged in his whining and pretended that yes, this would definitely be the very last time Seunghyun ever carried him anywhere. 

Five minutes later and they were stripped out of their clothes and curled up in bed after a quick shower. No one liked sandy feet in bed after all. — The windows right in front of their bed were wide open and the last rays of sunshine were falling through the white curtains. Seunghyun was next to him again, hugging him from behind and nestling his face against the back of his neck while his arms wrapped around his middle.

The last thought Jiyong had before falling asleep, was how beautiful their joined hands looked with their wedding rings on them. 

  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You reached the end of this monster! Congrats! 
> 
> To be honest, I have been meaning to write something like this here for such a long time, but was unsure if I should since so many fics out there are about certain times (especially 2012-2014 and predebut) and I didn't know if it wouldn't be tiring to read about all of this /again/. Not sure if I managed to nail it, since writing canon AUs can be tricky. Please tell me what you thought of this one in the comments!! 
> 
> On that note; I will take a little bit of a breahter from writing — this one was a lot of work and I need to recharge my creative batteries a bit before I dive into writing again lol 
> 
> Until then; hope you enjoyed this one!

**Author's Note:**

> ▶ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_wth/  
> ▶ Cosplay: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_costumes/  
> ▶ Art: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_draws/  
> ▶ Twitter: https://twitter.com/motteme_wth/  
> ▶ AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/


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